I live in a hellish relationship

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 50 years old with grown children and I live with a husband who still abuses me. My husband likes a present our family as intact and he being in control of this thing call family. Behind closed doors he screams at me and when I scream back at him he pushes me around, slaps me in my face and calls me all kinds of name. I am a professional woman too but because I do not have a PhD like he does, he thinks I am less than him and that I should be so grateful to have him as my husband. He is a bully and I hate him. Sometimes I feel like boiling a pot of water and throw it over him when he is asleep.  My children are aware that things are not right at home and they stay away as much as they can spending time with their friends or going to the gym. I am fearful that I am not being a good role model for my daughters. I would not want them living the way I live.  I am thinking seriously of leaving my husband of 30 years. I know my Nigerian community will reject me because they feel a woman should always remain with her husband and pray to God but God is telling me it’s time to leave this junky man I married. He is heartless and cruel and does not have any love in his heart. I am tire and I am too old to live like this. What do you think globalcounselor, would it be so terrible if I leave, am I being unreasonable, a bad wife and mother. What should I do?

Ashamed

Dear Ashamed,

You need to get out of this relationship. After 30 years, you need a break.  No women should remain in an abusive relationship. Abuse is about controlling a woman. You are an abused woman living in a violent relationship with an intimate partner and sometimes the only way to find peace and a life free of this violence is to leave.

A man who abuses his wife has not self-esteem. He is a man who feels that he is not getting enough respect outside the home so to make up for that he becomes a tyrant in the home and asserts his power over his wife and children. When the children are old enough and he can no longer abuse them, he still has the wife to make her life a hell.

Wife abuse is damaging to a woman, physically, spiritually and emotionally.  Many feel they deserve the abuse or they cannot do better than what they have with this man, or they tell themselves they cannot leave because of the children, or that he will change. They make up these stories to justify them remaining in the situation.  It is the shame they feel that force them to make up stories until they cannot make up anymore and then the remorse and sadness sets in, which then expresses itself as anger mostly at oneself.  Do not return abuse with abuse.  You said you are a professional woman, develop a protection plan for yourself before you make a move. Tell a trusted friend, seek help from a counsellor, make sure you have money and a place to go when you leave. Plan your escape well. You can also get the police involved to keep you safe in case he comes looking for you. No one has a right to hit you or make you feel less than. Take back your power. Good luck.

I had run away with my two young children

Dear globalcounselor,

I recently went back to my country and married someone my parents picked for me. As soon as I saw him I liked him because he was tall, dark and handsome looking. He was also very well-educated. I did not go to university but my brothers are doctors and engineers and my family is well off. My father had his own business.  He could afford to send me to North America when I told him I wanted to come and live in North America because there are more opportunities for girls. He was happy for me to go because I was 23 and still not married. He thought sending me here might make me more attractive to Indian men back home. He was right.  We had one good year of marriage. I had two children in three years and then my husband began showing his true colours. He started at first to dehumanize me by calling me stupid, ignorant, bad mother, don’t know anything. He always used to say “what’s wrong with you are you crazy?” After a while I began to feel useless and crazy. Then he started slapping me around.  If he comes home and dinner is not on the table or the house is a little bit messy he would get into a range and push me hard against a wall and tell me to smarten up.  Once when I told him I will tell my father, he beat me badly and threaten to finish off my father if I told him anything. I was so scared. I became a puppy dog, trying to do everything to please this man.  I was foolish enough to still love him and genuinely wanted to please him so that he would stop beating me. One night he came home a little intoxicated and one of the children might have left one of their toys by the door and he tripped and fell and he picked up a shoe and started hitting me on the head calling me stupid. I ran to the phone and dialled 911 before I could change my mind the police came and I was dripping in blood. My husband tried to tell the police that I fell but I saw my coffin and I said no, my husband has been hitting me for a long time. I was trembling like a leaf.  The police told my husband to find someplace else to live and to leave me and the children in the house.  The police were great. They referred me to a shelter and I have been receiving counselling ever since.  It is hard raising two children by myself but when I think of the alternative, this is a piece of cake.  His family and my family are after me to reconcile and I said I could never go back, he’d have to wash my feet and drink the water first. He is very cruel and has hurt me. I just want to tell other women, they don’t have to wait as long as I did. It was all for nothing. I thought he’d change and he never did, it only got worse. I would have died one day, had I not have the courage to phone for help.

Abused wife

Dear Abuse wife:

Thanks for sharing.  It is true, there is no pay in delay when it comes to wife abuse.  Sometimes it is best to sever ties and move on. The children are better off. It is no good for children to witness such abuse. It confuses them.  If you are in an abusive relationship, take the first step and get help. You deserve better.

 

Emotional Abuse

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a a 45 year old man and I believe that I am being abused by my wife.  I can only write to you because my manhood would not dare let me speak about this to family and friends. My sisters have caught on and they keep saying why do you allow your wife to treat you so shabbily, don’t you have any pride. I just shrug it off , grin and bear it. Whenever her friends are around she would “show off” and order me around. I have to serve them coffee and biscuits.  It’s like she is making me pay for what men have done to women in the past.  We have two beautiful sons and everytime I think of just walking out, I think of them.  I sometimes wonder if it is not better to leave because what kind of a role model I am for my sons.

I spoke to my wife several times about this behaviour and she says women have done the same for men for thousands of year so I should get over it. I should tell you my wife is a Lawyer and I am well, a carpenter.  She reminds me as often as she can who brings in the dough and I feel like a dork because she brings in more money than I do at the moment but there was a time when I brought in tons more than her. I had my own business. She encouraged me to give up the business to help care for our sons, which at first I was glad to do. I love my sons more than my life I think. I am fed up of being like some slave and  some “thing” for her convenience. I can’t take this much longer because it’s eating me up inside. What can I do?

Fedup guy

Dear Fedup guy:

Abuse is wrong no matter where it comes from. You need to have another serious talk with your wife and suggest you get some marriage counselling to see what’s driving your wife to treat you that way.  It does sound a bit shabby indeed. While some men may delight in serving their wives voluntarily to be ordered to do so takes the fun away.  Your wife  appears to have issues and she needs to address those.  Why would one human being treat a person she claims to love in that way?  It’s not love but power and control. That is at the root of abusive behaviour. Perhaps her father or some man did her wrong in the past and now she is taking it out on you. My advice is to try to save your marriage if you still love your wife and want to keep your family together and if you see that it won’t work I have to tell you there is no glory in suffering. Cut your losses and leave her but not your sons. You will be their father forever. Go do what you have to do and do not sell out yourself. You may be surprised at what your children may be learning from your behaviour, you stayed home to take care of them and that’s something they will remember. The bond you developed with your sons will be there forever.