Tag Archives: death

Can’t get over my daughter’s death

Dear globalcounselor,

I lost my 32 year old daughter in a horrible car crash two and a half years ago. She had just gotten married to her childhood sweetheart and the mother of a two month old daughter. My granddaughter survived the crash that killed my daughter, so it is bitter sweet. I am so grateful that I have a part of her alive and the baby looks a lot like my daughter. Unfortunately she is with her dad who lives in another province. I still cry everyday. I think I am making my friends tired of having to deal with my grief at each of our encounter. I find myself going over what may have happened and why didn’t my son-in-law go with her or why he is not talking about her as much I am. Didn’t he love her? I know he did and I get mad with myself for thinking these crazy thoughts but I cannot help myself.  He does not call as much anymore and I wonder if he is going to marry someone else and forget about my daughter.  My friends keep telling me to see a counsellor but I don’t think that will help me. I have seen a Minister of our church for a few months but that did not help I am still thinking in circles and I wake up each day hoping that I would not think about her so much but I do.

How can I turn off my brain and have a life again. Sometimes I feel my life will never been good again because my daughter will never come back to me.

Grief-stricken.

Dear Griefstricken,

Facing the death of a loved one as a child must be the most challenging thing in a mother’s life. That intense pain of loss, sadness, anger, resentment, regrets all meshed together makes for a really terrible state of being but this also offers an opportunity for growth spiritually. How do you make sense of this. We ask always, why never why not? None of us is special and yet we all are.  Is there a light in this fog, can you see any thing that is a blessing, can you seen how it could have been worse? You;ve lost a life but from what you’ve said you’ve also gained a life?  What does that mean to you? What feelings thinking about your granddaughter brings. What would you tell her about her mother when she is old enough to know. What are the pleasant memories you hold in your heart about your daughter? Can you think about those memories sometimes. Will it be helpful to write in a journal all that you feel, speak to her spirit in the journal and work out some of the grief.  As you write I invite you to visualize she is watching you, smiling and thanking you for thinking about her.  You had 32 years  with your daughter in this level of existence. How did you spend the time? Did you take some of the time for granted? Is there a lesson you can share with others to help them value time more?  What is the lesson is this tragedy for you? for the world?

Grief is one of those states of being that we have to get tired of feeling sad, ikn other words it is a state we just grow out of. We cannot force ourselves to get over grief, it works its way out at its own pace and we.have to be observers of this journey. You will be well again, you will wake up from this white night of the soul.

If you find yourself having recurring thoughts that are upsetting, one of ways of taming those thoughts it to find other thoughts or activities to replace them. Switch gear you can say aloud to yourself “Switch”or Stop to interrupt the pattern then redirect your focus by either going for a walk, baking some bread, visiting the sick or finding a place to volunteer with people less fortunate than you.

Finding a counsellor specializing in grief work might also be something you might want to consider along this journey. Take your time, go according to your schedule and not that of well-meaning friends who might want to rush your grieving process.

“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.” – Rabindranath Tagore

Heavy hearted Christmas

Dear Globalcounselor,

It’s Christmas and my tears can’t stop flowing. I remember by son Daniel who was killed a few years ago by a drunk driver. I feel cheated out of my beautiful child by a mindless, selfish person.  When will I be able to remember my son without feeling this anger and hurt all at the same time.  I don’t think I will ever be happy again. My life is ruined and what more that drunk driver must be sitting at home and enjoying his Christmas with his family and friends. It is not fair. How can I move this load off my heart.

So sad

Dear So Sad,

Merry Christmas. It is time for you to unload your heart and stop remembering the day you lost your son and try remembering all the happy times you shared together, how many years were that? Two, three, ten, 20 years? Be grateful for the time you had and celebrate his life instead of his death.  That drunk driver might be sitting at his Christmas table today in body but I am sure he is thinking about that life he took. Perhaps if you know that person call him and  tell him you forgive him and that you want him or her to be happy. It’s the only way you will find happiness. You have to want the same for that person as you want for yourself. Unless you can do that you cannot find peace. Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet shed on the heels that had just crushed it. Be open to forgiving the person who have harmed you. You are doing this for them but for you, your peace of mind. You can do it. You’ve carried the burden long enough, today is the day to let it go.

Have a peaceful and joyful holiday. Think about your son, the memories you made together and thank the Creator for the time you had together.

Tim Robbin faces double losses

As children we do expect at some level that our parents will be around to protect us. No matter how old they are their being in the world offer us comfort and security. It’s like we’re always children while parents are alive and when they are no longer there we feel the need to grow up in a way we haven’t before and perhaps that’s how it should be.

My sympathy goes out to Tim Robbins whose parents died about a week apart recently. It is sad and given the fact that more and more of us live beyond a hundred years, 78 and 80 something might appear to be not that old.  Tim, my folks died three months to the date of each other my mom was only 75 years old. She died as suddenly after my dad passed .  They had been married for more than 50 years and even though I never knew if they really loved each other, they were accustomed to each other in a deep way.  You could not imagine one without the other.  My parents lived in the so-called third world country and never had any major surgery so in american life they’d be over 100. I was happy that they lived out their lives without major health problems and that they had lived to see their children all grown up. That I believe is the biggest fear of a parent is to die and leave their children when they are young so even though it is sad for you, for them I am sure they are satisfied that you are doing so well and they don’t have to worry about you and that you will continue to thrive. You were fortunate to have have them for so many years and I hope that during those years, you took the time to show your appreciation to them. And now you have them in another dimension but you can still speak to them in your heart, you can still connect to their essence and listen, you will heart them and your heart will be filled with love.

Robbins tells the Associated Press that his mother, a colon cancer survivor, “had a calm and cheerful demeanour, a sharp wit, a gentle spirit, and a generous and loving heart.” Just a few days prior, he informed the same publication that his dad was “a fantastic father,” “a great musician” and a “man of unshakeable integrity.”

“His commitment to social justice was evident to us from an early age, as was his infectious, mischievous sense of humour,” Robbins continued. “His passing has created great sadness for all of us and our mother, but we take comfort in knowing that the angels will soon be soothed by the songs coming from his beautiful baritone voice.”

Hopefully, Robbins and his three siblings will now find solace in the fact that his parents, who were married for a remarkable 59 years, have been reunited once again. Those anticipating that he’ll run back into the arms of former, longtime partner Susan Sarandon, though, should probably check their wishful thinking at the door — a reconciliation, even during his time of need, is unlikely at best. Which is even more sad news, for those who loved this iconic Hollywood couple. Sigh.