I lost my 32 year old daughter in a horrible car crash two and a half years ago. She had just gotten married to her childhood sweetheart and the mother of a two month old daughter. My granddaughter survived the crash that killed my daughter, so it is bitter sweet. I am so grateful that I have a part of her alive and the baby looks a lot like my daughter. Unfortunately she is with her dad who lives in another province. I still cry everyday. I think I am making my friends tired of having to deal with my grief at each of our encounter. I find myself going over what may have happened and why didn’t my son-in-law go with her or why he is not talking about her as much I am. Didn’t he love her? I know he did and I get mad with myself for thinking these crazy thoughts but I cannot help myself. He does not call as much anymore and I wonder if he is going to marry someone else and forget about my daughter. My friends keep telling me to see a counsellor but I don’t think that will help me. I have seen a Minister of our church for a few months but that did not help I am still thinking in circles and I wake up each day hoping that I would not think about her so much but I do.
How can I turn off my brain and have a life again. Sometimes I feel my life will never been good again because my daughter will never come back to me.
Facing the death of a loved one as a child must be the most challenging thing in a mother’s life. That intense pain of loss, sadness, anger, resentment, regrets all meshed together makes for a really terrible state of being but this also offers an opportunity for growth spiritually. How do you make sense of this. We ask always, why never why not? None of us is special and yet we all are. Is there a light in this fog, can you see any thing that is a blessing, can you seen how it could have been worse? You;ve lost a life but from what you’ve said you’ve also gained a life? What does that mean to you? What feelings thinking about your granddaughter brings. What would you tell her about her mother when she is old enough to know. What are the pleasant memories you hold in your heart about your daughter? Can you think about those memories sometimes. Will it be helpful to write in a journal all that you feel, speak to her spirit in the journal and work out some of the grief. As you write I invite you to visualize she is watching you, smiling and thanking you for thinking about her. You had 32 years with your daughter in this level of existence. How did you spend the time? Did you take some of the time for granted? Is there a lesson you can share with others to help them value time more? What is the lesson is this tragedy for you? for the world?
Grief is one of those states of being that we have to get tired of feeling sad, ikn other words it is a state we just grow out of. We cannot force ourselves to get over grief, it works its way out at its own pace and we.have to be observers of this journey. You will be well again, you will wake up from this white night of the soul.
If you find yourself having recurring thoughts that are upsetting, one of ways of taming those thoughts it to find other thoughts or activities to replace them. Switch gear you can say aloud to yourself “Switch”or Stop to interrupt the pattern then redirect your focus by either going for a walk, baking some bread, visiting the sick or finding a place to volunteer with people less fortunate than you.
Finding a counsellor specializing in grief work might also be something you might want to consider along this journey. Take your time, go according to your schedule and not that of well-meaning friends who might want to rush your grieving process.
“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.” – Rabindranath Tagore