Tag Archives: divorce

I am tired of taking care of my sick husband

Dear globalcounselor,

I’ve been married to my husband for 18 years. Then he got sick with Multiple Sclerosis. My husband has been unfaithful to me twice with two younger women and both times I found out and because I like to keep up appearances I forgave him so that we could keep our marriage in tact. We have two teen age children and they’re always my number one reason for the compromises I have made. Now my husband is ill with this debilitating illness and I have to take care of him. He has gone downhill very rapidly and need a lot of help and I resent the fact that I have to give him so much of my time. I feel I am doing a lot and always feeling tired. I don’t think I love him anymore and frankly I feel bloody trapped. What would people say if I left him high and dry with his MS. I never told anyone what he did so everyone thinks we are the perfect couple.  My resentment is turning into anger and that’s affecting my mental health. What can I do? I don’t want to be here anymore.

Trapped.

Dear Trapped,

It’s time to let your guard down, come clean and stop keeping up appearances. It did not work for you in the past and it will not work for you now. You have to be honest. Are you resentful with your husband or his illness? You’re mad that he’s let you down again.

It is very difficult to divorce a sick man. People feel guilty about things like that and stay because of obligation, something they feel they must do because of human compassion. In your case, you have two children together. How will they feel if you left their dad to fend for himself? Can they live with him and help him or would he be willing to get private care or be committed to an institution.? These are tough choices but you have to find out the source of your discontentment. I think you might be just tired of taking care of your husband. Looking after a sick person is tiring and takes a lot out of us.  Are you eating properly, getting the required rest, do you have help for you to take some time for yourself, hang out with your girlfriends etc. You do not have to be a martyr. Take time for yourself, go away for a short vacation somewhere fun – this will help put things in perspective for you and give you a break. I think talking to a counsellor or social worker will be very helpful in assisting you to sort out your feelings. Let me know what you decide and we can talk again.

 

Advertisements

My husband’s new wife is making me crazy

Dear globalcounselor,

My ex-husband has remarried a woman who is a control freak and she gets into concerns that is no business of hers.  My ex and I have three children and support has always been and is still an issue. The children are growing up now so he has only one under the age of 18 to support.  My daughters who attend university and by law he should still support, he does not.  When I try to have a discussion with him he brings his wife and instead of remaining quiet, she butts into the conversation and asking me to produce bills and telling me that everything has to be fair.  She fails to understand that my children are his and mine and she should not be part of that especially where finances are concerned.  I told him that I did not want her into our business and that when it comes to our children it should be him and I. He told he that he cannot hide anything from his wife and they are now one. He never said that about me. He was always hiding and doing whatever he likes but suddenly he is this model husband. Why men never want to take responsibility for their children after a separation. They are always looking for ways to cut payment whereas women has to continually shell out more and more. This is not fair.

Mad.

Dear mad,

Your husband has made his choice to have his new wife involved in his affairs. Perhaps this woman demands it and he has given  in to that.  Re: child support there are laws about child support. Payments are set according to income.  The law determines when payments should stop. In all fairness a family’s financial obligations impact both husband and wife. If his new wife is a working woman, she might have to help support your children.

To make your life easier , however, you can find creative ways to discuss matters about the children with your  ex by calling when he is likely to he home alone, call on his cell phone, or meet him at his work where you know she will not be, or just accept the situation as  it is.  If the woman is overbearing have a talk with her and let her know your displeasure.  You will just have to find a way to ignore the woman.

My guilt is killing me slowly

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 58-year-old divorced woman.  I have four children whom I love very much.  My marriage was arranged and was a challenge from day one. I could not walk away because of our East Indian custom. In my community divorce is frowned upon. While a man receives support from the community, women are shunned the most by other women who become like rabid animals.  They give you dirty looks, you stop getting invited to their homes, you are isolate and you begin to withdraw.  My husband was abusive and an alcoholic.  I was so unhappy and I had nowhere to run. My immediate family are all living in the USA and England. I was isolated. I stayed in the marriage until I could not take it anymore.l I asked my husband to leave and he left without giving any support to our children,  I worked two jobs to support my children.    They were left on their own many times.  Unfortunately, my children’s fate seems to follow into my pattern.  My eldest daughter’s marriage ended because of emotional abuse.  My second son’s relationship ended after 4 years and he is left hurt and feeling all alone. My younger daughter is in a faltering relationship and my youngest son, he is the only happy camper in my family.

Globalcounselor, I am feeling like a total failure, I am riddled with guilt and I am at my wit’s end. My job is adding to my already overstressed life.  Some days I feel my head would explode because I have a demanding, overpowering boss.   My question is how can I get rid of feeling so guilty about ruining my children’s lives because of my actions.

guilt-ridden

Dear guiltridden,

Your load is heavy.  You’ve carried it for 25 years.  It’s time to put it down. Put it down today, this minute.  It does not belong to you. You did what you needed to do to survive and that is the cardinal rule.  When you’re in an aeroplane, the hostess will tell you when there is  an emergency landing or cabin pressure drop, place the mask over your nose first before trying to help anyone else. You had a right to take care of yourself and you did that by leaving your husband to save yourself and your children. Who ever told you that you have to stay in a loveless, abusive relationship is wrong. For better or for worse, in sickness or in health, till death do us part, says nothing that you have to stay in an abusive situation. For better or for worse means that if your partner loses his job,  it would be against your vows to leave him.  Together you have to find solutions to keep your family going. Guilt is a stubborn emotion that makes no sense a lot of time yet we feel it deeply. We feel guilt when we feel we have done something terribly wrong and the guilt that tears us up inside is like punishing ourselves for that wrong.  Societies and close-knit communities regularly use guilt and shame to control their members behaviour.  They use guilt to make you feel worthless and a bad person.  It is when you internalized their judgement of you take their side against you and you like them begin to hate yourself.  Do you see where this is going – self-hatred.  If you hate yourself, how can you love your children.  If hatred is what’s inside of you, it is that which will come out.  If you want to live your life fully, you have to find a way to forgive yourself, to embrace yourself love you and all your imperfections.  When you inside that is what will come out and people will be attracted to you. Your perspective will change and you will slowly emerge from the fog of 25 years to reclaim your life from your husband and your community.   Release guilt, forgive yourself, that means give up judging yourself harshly for doing the right thing when you did it.

Life gives us lessons so that we learn and grow; accept them graciously.

Divorce sucks

Dear globalcounselor,

I am single again after being married to the love of my life for more than 15 years. I am 41 years old now. My divorce became final three months ago putting the last nail in the coffin of my dream of  getting back together with my husband.  For him it is over. He is just not into me anymore and I do not know why.   He said he just fell out of love and that it is nothing I did.  I don’t know how to go on because my identity came from being a wife and a mother. We have two teenage children. I  do not feel like getting out of bed most days. I cry a lot and is struggling to find reason or joy in living. My children are mad at me for being so miserable all of the time. I want to feel better. I wretch inside just thinking of MY husband with another woman. He belongs to me. We made a sacred vow. Doesn’t promises count for anything anymore?  Please help me.

Bitter

Dear Bitter,

Breaking up is always hard to do but it happens.  Sometimes we do not get everything we want and that’s life. You cannot control your ex’s feelings but you can conntrol your own. If you need help,  find a good counsellor and work your way back to health.  You will be stronger if you allow yourself  and make the decision to get better.  Would you want to be with someone who does not find you attractive or do not love you anymore?  I cannot think of a greater hell.  You have to realize that your husband’s defection is not a reflection of you but of the kind of person he is.  Maybe he is a great guy but not just into you right now.  You have to accept that and move on.  The quicker you get  yourself together, the quicker you will meet the person who thinks you are the best thing that happened to him or her.