Tag Archives: betrayed

Cross-cultural barriers

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 32 years old and I was living with a man from Nigeria for about three years. We did a lot together. He said he loved me. I know I loved him a lot but six months ago he told he could not do this anymore. He said he has become a Christian and living in sin was out of the picture for him. I told him I was willing to become  a  born again Christian if that would keep us together but he made one excuse after the other  why we should not be together.

We separated and I was devastated. I thought for sure he loved me and would do anything to keep me but I was wrong.  I was not only hurt but I was ashamed of myself. My friends  (both black and white) and my parents kept telling me that he would not marry me or settle down with me because Nigerians are very culture-bound people most of the time. They return to their own kind even though they like to practice their shit on white girls but we’re not good enough for marriage. This is so hypocritical. And they say we’re prejudiced?   My folks always welcomed him in our family. They liked him a lot but they knew better than I did they say men like him (professional whom his parents put through college – he did not have to borrow a dime) do not go against tradition and their parents wishes and that he will return to Nigeria and find a girl or marry one in Canada. Lo and behold, this morning while browsing through face book, I did what I promised not to do and peeked at his FB page and there he was with this beautiful Nigerian girl – married. I cried my eyes out at what a fool I had been. I’m spreading this message to other white girls or girls who may not be from Nigeria to be careful with those men.   If you are looking for marriage, pin them down early on and know where you stand.  I am never going to trust anyone but my own kind from now on. I am mad and I am hurt.

Hurt.

Dear hurt,

Thanks for sharing. What happened to you could have happened with anyone. This man apparently wanted to end the relationship. Men and women do it all the time, not only a particular type of man. I know a man who slept one night with a woman had breakfast with her and then left and went to the registrar’s office to marry another woman. They were from the same race.  He was not into you anymore and maybe he had met this woman whom, you’re right, would be easier for him to introduce to his family and friends. There is comfort in being with a person whom you understand, with whom you speak the same language, to whom you do not have to explain common nuances etc. It takes a courageous person who believes in love so strongly that he or she would marry someone from a completely different cultural and racial background. I know this is happening more and more frequently these days but let’s face it, it is an added stress on a relationship which has its own stressors. Don’t see this as a racial issue, though it might be, don’t see it as a cultural thing, which it might be but see it as a human thing. This situation happens in every culture. People fall in love and they fall out of love. Don’t close the doors on other men who might see you as the one they want to spend the rest of their life with and he could come from any race or culture. Be open. Sorry this one did not work out.

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Falling into an old situation and I am scared

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 60 years old, single and still working for a living. I hope to find someone to spend the twilight of my years. An old flame whom I have loved  and saw him as the great love of my life, but who had hurt me badly has re-entered my life. At first I was suspicious but after a few calls asking me to meet him I relented.  I  agreed to meet him on my terms. Our first meeting was awkward.  He did most of the talking. As I watched him, I could  feel my rage going up and down. I desperately tried to control myself and to tell myself I have to get over the hurt, the anger, the anguish because it was killing me.  He apologized for all the things he did to me, the lies, the forced sexual intercourse and the abuse both physical and financial. He said that it was not him but the drugs but that he accepted full responsibility.  He now suffers from drug related health issues but fairly healthy. He said he is about to separate from his wife. He also said that I was the only woman he loved and through all his dazed days I was the one who always came to his mind.  I felt sorry for him and I told him I forgive him but I could not forget. He  thanked me and said that it is start. We have spoken at least once a week and if I do not hear from him I find myself hoping he would call. I get really scared. Am I falling for this guy again? How stupid can I be?

Dear Stupid,

You’re not stupid. Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heels that has just crushed it says Mark Twain.  It is about freeing yourself, it’s not about forgetting. If I can quote another passage from Proverbs it says those who hits forgets, the one who carries the scars remembers.  You cannot forget but you do not have to let hatred dominate your life anymore. You said you forgave him. It’s good. If you do not feel you can love this man again tell him so. If you feel that you still have feelings for him and you want to pursue it, you will be going in it with your eyes wide open. There will be no pretensions or expectations higher than necessary because you would have walked that road before. A person can change; you who cannot change anyone but yourself, you know that. You can change the way you look at this person or you can look at him through the old eyes. Listen to your gut feelings. At 60 there is not much I can offer as I know you have the answer within you. There are no certainties in life. It’s all about risk and how much you are willing to take to experience life in its fullness, to experience love, perhaps for a second time’.

I’ve been had big time

Dear globalcounselor,

I am an immigrant woman and I come from a well-to-do family back in Costa Rica. I married to a Canadian man I knew for three years.  We were both married previously but he had no children while I had 2 children for my deceased husband. When I met this man I was feeling lonely. He was a tourist and we hit it off. He made me laugh and I came to trust him. After a year of “dating” long-distance, he asked me to marry him and said he wanted to take me and my children to Canada. I love Costa Rica and but I loved him more and I had heard a lot of good things about Canada so I persuaded my children to let us take a chance. In the meantime my mother passed away and her property and everything came to me and the children. My husband insisted that I sell the property and take everything with me to Canada. I was a bit hesitant but he assured me that he was not interested in any of that.  When we came to Canada he said that I should invest the money in a house and land as that would give good returns. I did as I was told and put the house in his name so that I did not have to pay a lot of taxes and fees as a foreigner – my visa was still in limbo. We eventually got our visas and for a year and half we lived a happy life. My husband worked and took care of us very well. My children were happy, they made friends and life was good until four months ago when my husband asked me for a divorce. He said he did not love me anymore and that there was someone he really cared about and wanted to be with. He apologized for falling for my “exotic” beauty but said he got bored of that and wants to move on. He asked me to leave the house and I said that the house is my house, my money bought the house and he could not cheat me of my house.  Where was I going to live. He informed me that the house was in his name and that he had spent a lot of money bringing me and my two children here and gave us a new life that I should be grateful for the opportunity.  I am shocked I could not think properly. He helped us get a place in government housing and disappeared from our lives. My children are shocked. I could not move to do anything for a year. I was walking in a fog but now I am a little okay and I am ready to fight. What can I do to get my house back. I think I have been had big time.  I am 45 years old and my children are 17 and 16. I feel that my life is over but I want to do this for my children. He has to pay.

Ready to fight

Dear Ready to fight,

First of all you need to get yourself a good lawyer.  This man may have conned you out of your inheritance.  I will advise you to seek the help of a social worker who can guide you in the right direction. You may beed proof that the house was bought with your money. Get all your facts and information. Maybe you may have to take a trip to your country.  This man sounds very callous to say the things he did to you.  It’s okay for people to fall out of love but not be cruel about it.Even if you do not get all of your money back, you may be entitled to half the proceeds of the home and in some places, since your husband sponsored you and your family, he might be legally and financially responsible for you for the next 10 years. If you are on income assistance, make sure you let them know your immigration status and maybe they may hold your husband responsible for maintaining you until the sponsorship expires.