Closure is necessary

Dear globalcounselor,

I was miserable in my marriage because I felt my husband and my children did not respect me. I was the door mat for all of them throughout my marriage. Well, I got up the courage and walked out of the home and found myself a little apartment. I am happy being on my own but I still feel the need to return to the home I shared with my husband and then we get into big disturbance. My children who live nearby come over and get involved and it is as if nothing has changed. Everytime I return to the house I realize why I left. I do not know why I go back. I don’t even care for him that much but like it is out of habit or something I go there and get all hurt and frustrated all over again. My husband was my best friend, my childhood sweetheart and my husband. He is the only man I ever knew so I walked away from my entire history and I don’t know if that is why I keep on going back. How can I find true closure and move on with my life.

Closure

Dear Closure,

At the best of time it is difficult to walk away from what you know to go to the unknown at the worst of times you second guess yourself, you long for companionship, familiarity, love and respect. Even though you know that you would not find it in your past. You may find it in your future but unless you look to the future and give it a chance, that too might slip away from you. So here’s the plan.

He honest with yourself – list all the good and bad about this relationship

Ask yourself why do you still allow yourself to be abused, what are you feeling when you go there? Optimism, comfortable, relief, guilty or less guilty, they need you – deal with those feelings – chances are it is all in your head. They are doing just fine and may just miss not having you like a ball to kick around.

Release any grudges you might have for your ex or your children. Bless them and wish them well. Sometimes a little prayer helps.

Find new friends and whenever you are tempted to go over to your old house call a friend and go out for coffee or invite them over. Develop a couple buddy friends who will support you through this period and you have to work on it. Your children and ex will respect you and appreciate what they have lost when you not longer allow yourself to be abused. They will be forced to look at you with new eyes but that won’t happen if you just lie down and let them do the same thing over and over again. You are worth the effort girlfriend, like Aretha say RESPECT.

Sometimes I feel so down

Dear globaleyes,

I am a single parent who is an immigrant to this country. I have given my life for my children. My marriage ended when my children were all under 10 years old and I worked two job and rarely spent time with my children. My ex did not want to support me and the children and he put me through hell during our marriage and after. I am now torn up with guilt. I feel like a failed mother and wife sometimes especially when my sons speak to me in a rude fashion. It brought back all that I went through with their dad. Two days ago, I asked my son, 33,  to help with a task at home and he said to me that he was frustrated with me always having to help me do this  or that and that he felt as if he were my servant. These words hurt me to  my heart. I cried the whole evening unable to stop myself. Then I thought to myself what was the purpose of living if my children whom I dedicated my life to treated me as if I did not matter.  Yes, I contemplated suicide. I became frightened and called a crisis line and we chatted for a while and I felt better. The counsellor told me to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I felt insulted and as if I was a mental case. Do you think my condition needs a psychiatrist? Please give me your thoughts.

Suicidal

Dear suicidal,

First of all what is your life? Is it catering to your children? You have to get a life of your own . It seems that you are still dedicating your life to your children even though it appears they have grown up. This is not the way it is. There is a time to loosen the hold and dependency on your children for your social life. They are in a different space and can feel strangled by your constant needs and wants of them. It is not that they do not love you but they want to feel independent. To answer your question directly, I think it would be a good idea to speak to a psychiatrist at first and later on find a counsellor to follow-up and have a relationship with. To have contemplated suicide is a cry for help and you’ve got to help yourself. Please get the help you need before you face another stressful encounter with your children.

My past has paid a visit

Dear globalcounselor,

A man with whom  I have  had an  intimate relationship that ended terribly, because violence was involved,  has made contact lately. This is after 20 years of silence. I must say I have never forgotten him. I have never had a relationship like the one I had with him on both the good and the bad fronts. At the time of our last meeting, I was so angry, I wished him dead. I thought I hated him but when I heard his voice over the phone three weeks ago, my heart melted like a teenager.   He invited me to dinner and it is strange how easily I accepted and agreed and met with him.  The first meeting was strained as we try to get over the bridge of the past. Since then we have had coffee a couple of times and even though these meetings are not anything like those of the past, I find myself looking forward to his calls. I am so afraid that I am being drawn into this man’s web again. He has caused me so much pain that I am surprised that I have succumbed so easily to his wiles again. Am I being foolish. Can a person ever change?

Foolish

Dear Foolish,

We all change with time. If we do not change of our own accord, time changes us. With age comes all kinds of illnesses and challenges that we are forced to make changes to adapt. Maybe you have allowed time to remove the hatred and anger you had towards this individual and that is a good thing. When you carry around anger and hatred towards another, you are hurting yourself and bringing yourself down and allowing the abuse to continue through your own thoughts. 

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, foolish or stupid.  As humans we need affection and to interact with others and if you find some joy or comfort in seeing this man, that’s alright but you are wiser now and if you use your wisdom correctly then I do not think you will allow the same kinds of mistakes to happen.  Trust yourself, be open and expect the best of the other.  If something does not feel right listen to that feeling and respond to what you feel and see not what you are told and you will be fine.

My boss slapped me on my bottoms

Dear globalcounselor,

I work in an accounting office.  My boss is a man in his 50’s and I am 22 years old. Ever since I started working there he has always touched me in a casual way. I always felt uncomfortable thinking that that kind of familiarity does not belong in an office environment but he is my boss and I did not want to create waves so soon. I put up with his behaviour. But lately I am concerned. His touch appears to be more purposeful as if he is giving me a message. Then it  at a company picnic the first year of my employment there, he cornered me in the kitchen of the people who hosted the party and grabbed my bottoms and said “tight” then to make it light he asked if I worked out a lot.  I told him them I did not appreciate that. I left the party saying to my co-workers that I had a migraine headache.

The next week at work was strained. I could not continue, I handed in my resignation and left at the end of the week. I am currently without a job and I am so mad that it is eating me up inside.  I did not do anything wrong and I am out and that creep is still working. What can I do, is there something I can do to get justice for myself.

Angry.

Dear Angry

What you experienced is sexual harassment. It happens to many women and sometimes even some men in the workplace. This is wrong and a violation of your human rights. When we go to work, we expect and should enjoy a workplace free from harassment and discrimination. Even though you were outside of the office, it was an official event, therefore it is still considered to be harassment in the workplace. Even if your boss had slapped your bum in a supermarket, you could still file  a sexual harassment human rights complaint against him. The fact is there is a relationship between you – he is your boss and ought to know better.  I hope you will file a complaint so that bosses understand women are not fair game in the workplace and they have to amend their ways and perspective about women.  Human rights violators cost their companies lots of money. You may be able to claim for lost wages. I urge you to contact your local human rights commission (if you are in Canada)  or Equal Employment Opportunity office (if you are in the US) as soon as possible because there is a six-month to a year deadline to report these incidents. Lets hope your next workplace will be a better experience for you.

My guilt is killing me slowly

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 58-year-old divorced woman.  I have four children whom I love very much.  My marriage was arranged and was a challenge from day one. I could not walk away because of our East Indian custom. In my community divorce is frowned upon. While a man receives support from the community, women are shunned the most by other women who become like rabid animals.  They give you dirty looks, you stop getting invited to their homes, you are isolate and you begin to withdraw.  My husband was abusive and an alcoholic.  I was so unhappy and I had nowhere to run. My immediate family are all living in the USA and England. I was isolated. I stayed in the marriage until I could not take it anymore.l I asked my husband to leave and he left without giving any support to our children,  I worked two jobs to support my children.    They were left on their own many times.  Unfortunately, my children’s fate seems to follow into my pattern.  My eldest daughter’s marriage ended because of emotional abuse.  My second son’s relationship ended after 4 years and he is left hurt and feeling all alone. My younger daughter is in a faltering relationship and my youngest son, he is the only happy camper in my family.

Globalcounselor, I am feeling like a total failure, I am riddled with guilt and I am at my wit’s end. My job is adding to my already overstressed life.  Some days I feel my head would explode because I have a demanding, overpowering boss.   My question is how can I get rid of feeling so guilty about ruining my children’s lives because of my actions.

guilt-ridden

Dear guiltridden,

Your load is heavy.  You’ve carried it for 25 years.  It’s time to put it down. Put it down today, this minute.  It does not belong to you. You did what you needed to do to survive and that is the cardinal rule.  When you’re in an aeroplane, the hostess will tell you when there is  an emergency landing or cabin pressure drop, place the mask over your nose first before trying to help anyone else. You had a right to take care of yourself and you did that by leaving your husband to save yourself and your children. Who ever told you that you have to stay in a loveless, abusive relationship is wrong. For better or for worse, in sickness or in health, till death do us part, says nothing that you have to stay in an abusive situation. For better or for worse means that if your partner loses his job,  it would be against your vows to leave him.  Together you have to find solutions to keep your family going. Guilt is a stubborn emotion that makes no sense a lot of time yet we feel it deeply. We feel guilt when we feel we have done something terribly wrong and the guilt that tears us up inside is like punishing ourselves for that wrong.  Societies and close-knit communities regularly use guilt and shame to control their members behaviour.  They use guilt to make you feel worthless and a bad person.  It is when you internalized their judgement of you take their side against you and you like them begin to hate yourself.  Do you see where this is going – self-hatred.  If you hate yourself, how can you love your children.  If hatred is what’s inside of you, it is that which will come out.  If you want to live your life fully, you have to find a way to forgive yourself, to embrace yourself love you and all your imperfections.  When you inside that is what will come out and people will be attracted to you. Your perspective will change and you will slowly emerge from the fog of 25 years to reclaim your life from your husband and your community.   Release guilt, forgive yourself, that means give up judging yourself harshly for doing the right thing when you did it.

Life gives us lessons so that we learn and grow; accept them graciously.

What’s all the fuss about Chris and Rihanna?

Dear Global Counsellor,

I am 18 year old country girl and my boyfriend is 22. We love each other a lot.  I know he loves me but sometimes I make him mad and he hits me and we kiss and make up. I won’t leave him because we promise to be together forever. One day we plan to be husband and wife. I think the public should stay out of the couple’s problems and let them deal with it by themselves.  They are such a cute couple and cthey love each other.  If they were not celebrities would anybody care?

In love

Dear In Love,

Girl you are living in another world. Your idea about love is not the right one. When people love each other they do not hurt each other but care for each other. Abuse is wrong.  No one has the right to hit another person. Abuse happens because the person wants to control you.  Usually the abuse escalates over time. Your boyfriend is going beat you up  more severely and more frequently if you do not stop him.  Unfortunately sometimes abuse ends in death of one or both partners.  Many women continue in such relationship because they enjoy the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse  and live for such tender moments, when their boyfriends for husbands show remorse for their violent behaviour and shower them with gifts and kisses for a day or so,  but those moments will become fewer and far between the beatings you will get.  With regard to Chris and Rihanna,  I think the public is right to be concerned about their behaviour.  Rihanna is seen as a role model for young girls. What message is she giving young women who might be in a similar situation?  When you promote yourself as a role model, there are responsibilities.

  I suggest that you, young lady, seek counselling for your own abusive relationship.  You need to get out of that relationship before it is too late. What you are going through is not normal.  Get help, now.

Can’t get out from under his feet

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 35 years old and it’s hard to write it but I am obese but well proportioned. I consider myself reasonably good looking given my size and all. I feel fortunate to have a nice boyfriend, who is very handsome, suave and keeps himself in good shape.  We’ve been together for about 2 years. He has his own apartment and I have my own apartment, but we see each other regularly. Ever since I started going out with this guy, I felt insecure about our relationship. I wanted to know what he saw in me. I am polar opposite to him. I am bright, I am intelligent and I own my own successful business. In my work life I am confident as they come but in my love life well…  He is a blue collar worker and does not make as much as I do financially and whenever we go out we split the bill except if he or I am treating. I buy him lots of neat (expensive) presents and I feed him well with steaks and chicken breasts. Our love life is excellent. So what is my problem? Well, he keeps nagging me to lose the weight and sometimes says some hurtful things. Lately we’ve been quarrelling over the silliest things and I end up crying and asking for forgiveness. Then I feel he would patronise me saying something “you can’t help it.”  The most hurtful  thing he has done was refusing to take me out to an event with his friends because he said all their girlfriends are “skinny bitches” and they’d make fun of me behind my back. He went alone and I cried the whole night.  I’ve tried to lose weight but it’s difficult and takes time. If he really loved me I feel he would have been patient and more understanding. My size would not matter. He treats me shabbily. Sometimes when we look at TV together he would say, “doesn’t looking at those hot girls make you sick?”.  I feel like a dog for still putting up with him but I feel I may not get someone like him again and I do not want to be alone without a boyfriend.  How can I make this work globalcounselor?

Doormat

Dear Doormat:

What do people do with doormats my friend?  They want on  them and wipe their feet on them. That’s what your boyfriend appears to be doing to you.  This cannot work, you have to stand up for yourself and demand respect.  Your boyfriend obviously do not care about you and may be just using you. He knows you have low self-esteem and is playing to that to keep you subjugated to him. If he worried about your weight because he was afraid of losing you to illness that may have been something to think about but he is only interested in you being “hot”.  This guy needs to be thrown on the curb. You have many good qualities and the right guy will come along who will cherish and appreciate all of you. Do not sell yourself short. When you feel good about yourself that becomes part of your beauty and you reflect that and people become attracted to it.  You do not have to apologise for being overweight or feel worthless because of it. What your boyfriend is doing to you is abuse, emotional abuse. Abuse of any kind is wrong. Yes, it is good to maintain a healthy weight but you have to do that for you, not to be loved.

Father abuses mother in front of children

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 15 year old boy from India. I came to Canada two years ago with my ma and pa. My pa said he came for better life but I believe our life is worse. I miss my family and friends back in India so much. The thing that makes me sadder is my pa and the way he hurts my ma.  He pushes her around, yells at her and calls her stupid jackass in front of me and my younger brother. My ma is so sad all of the time and she does not fight back. She allows my pa to treat her like dirt. I am mad at my ma because she does not fight back. When I told her to fight back she said I should not get involved.  I am not happy at home and I feel like calling police on my pa.  What can I do? One of these days I know I will hurt my pa very badly. I will.  What can I do to prevent this from happening?

Sad and angry

 

Dear sad and angry,

Your father is abusing your mother. That’s family violence and it’s against the law in North America for a man to beat his wife.  Your mother may be afraid to do or say anything because she might be afraid that there will be no one to take care of you and your brother.  She may think she is putting up with the abuse because of her children. This is not right and it is not healthy.  I believe you when you say you will hurt your dad one of these days because your anger is building up against him. You will be in trouble should you hurt your father really bad. The best thing for you to do is to call the police whenever you witness you’re father beating or abusing your mother.  The police may charge him or send him for Counselling. This may help your father to change his ways and may save your mother from abuse. He will be told he could be sent to jail if he abuses your mother or you and your brother. Your mother will thank you one of these days for being so brave and for protecting her.

 

Stuck in a Rot

Dear globalcounselor,

I have the same boyfriend since the 7^th grade and we love each other, I think. We’re both 25 years old. We fight all the time and he calls me so really mean names like slut, bitch, ho. I retaliate by calling him names too that denigrate his masculinity and I feel bad afterwards because I do not mean of the things I say. I say them to get back at him but he never apologizes to me and when I ask him to, he says why apologize when that is what you are and he ends with “but I love you”. Sometimes I feel we have outgrown each other and we do not really love each other but I can’t walk away it’s like I am addicted to him. What should I do?

Confused

 

Dear confused;

Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt and this may be the case. You need to take a break from each other. Calling each other hateful names is verbal abuse. Abuse is wrong in any way, shape or form in my book. Try either dating other people or just stop seeing each other and find yourselves as single autonomous people.  As they say, if it is true love, you will find each other again but if you do not then just say good bye to a childhood dream and move on with your adult lives.  Comfort is hard to let go of.  You two might just have become too comfortable with each other and take each other for granted like an old comfortable chair. Starting a new relationship is challenging and hard work. We humans have a tendency to be lazy. Get off your buts and start working on yourselves.  Good luck.

  

I feel sad all of the time

Dear globalcounselor,

I know you can’t help me but I am going to tell you my story anyway.  I am a 15 year old girl. I live with my mom. My dad left when we were little. I have 10 year old brother. It was not my mom’s fault but sometimes I still blame her in my heart.  My dad used to slap her around and one time she called the police on him and he said that was it, any woman who going get the police involved in our private family matter is no woman for him.  When he left he told me that I could blame my mom for what happens.

My mom is good. She works two jobs but still we are poor. I feel sad for her, sad for myself and my brother.  Sometimes I start crying for no reason at all.  I am s ad because we are poor and I can’t get the things I want. I feel bad when I tell my friends they can’t come over to my house. I lie because I don’t want them to know how poor we are. I feel like a liar and a loser.  How can I feel better, what can I do?

Loser

Dear loser,

First of all being poor is no reason to be ashame. There are lots of people in the world who are poor.  Not because you are poor you cannot have a nice home.  It is love that makes the home nice, okay. All you have to do is to help your mother keep in clean and from what you are telling me she is working herself to the bones for you children. Show some respect and sympathy for your mom.

   Secondly, at your age, I understand how these things affect you but I will give you this piece of advice. Find a place you can volunteer, maybe a drop in centre for youths, a shelter for the homeless, or help new comers and refugees in the area.  Doing something for others might make you feel better about yourself and appreciate all that you have.

    If you still feel sad and cries all the time, I think you should talk to your mother or your school counselor because there may be more to it that meets the eye.   You have a right and a responsibility to be happy my child.

     Remember it’s no one making you unhappy but you. It is your thoughts that is making you unhappy. Flip the coin and change your thoughts, look for the bright side of your situation. Your mom is safe, she is no longer being abused and you are safe. You have a home and clothes and food and you go to school. You have a lot to the thankful for.