Tag Archives: guilt

Answer me this question

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 57 years old and have several chronic diseases.My mother is 89 years old and also struggles with many illnesses – name it she has it. She is not enjoying life, just existing in a care home. I go to see her everyday. I feel it is my duty. My heart breaks every time I leave. The sad thing is that she is conscious of everything and whenever I try to leave she holds me and says “don’t go”or “take me with you”.  I always leave crying my eyes out. Why isn’t God putting my mother to rest.  Is there a God at all?

Curious

Dear Curious,’

I feel your frustration, your sadness and helplessness.  But this is a question of values and faith. If you are a believer in some higher power or God, then you would see this as God’s will and there is a reason behind your mother’s apparent suffering. Maybe her life is a lesson to others, her life is teach others compassion and what it means to value a life. If you are not a believer, you might want to lobby the government to institute  euthanasia. Like we do for our pets – put them down when life becomes too difficult for the pet owners or the pets, for convenience or love, those who see this as the end of the road for us will see euthanasia as a practical things.  For those of the spirit, we did not give life therefore we must not take like and this is just the beginning of some other life. I hope this helps to focus your thoughts about your mother’s situation. By the way you can try praying, meditating and try to find something of value in your mother as she is, maybe that would help you to cope. You don’t have to go everyday. Are you going because of guilt, love or duty?  You can use part of your visit or days when you cannot visit your mom to hand out with a girlfriend or do something fun for yourself. Do not become a martyr. That’s not good for you or your mother.

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Post Abortion Guilt

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 35 year old mother of three beautiful children. They are healthy and happy and I am at a place in my life that I have everything I asked for, humble though they may be – a house, a car, a little dog, a loving husband and my beautiful rambunctious children.  However, deep down in the pit of my stomach is a knot that appears to get tighter as I get older. You see, when I was 18 I had an abortion.  I did not want to let my parents down and I had no where to turn, I felt I had no choice because my boyfriend at the time said that was all he could do for me – to help me get rid of the child.  It’s not something I am proud of and even back then I knew I would pay for it. I get terrible flashbacks to that day when I walked out of the doctor’s office and felt I had no one to turn to because by then I hated my boyfriend so much for putting me through that. I didn’t know what I wanted from him but at least he could have offered to marry me and so we could have saved our child.

I feel guilt is eating at my soul. I am a Catholic and I have done the confession bit but I am still torched by what I have done.  It is to the point that I feel if I do not get my act together I am going to lose it and lose everything I have and cherish especially my children and my husband. I have not shared this with my husband and that too makes me feel like a bad person. As you can see my trials are many.  I have had bouts of eating disorder but I am smart enough to know that these are all signs of my disordered thinking and feelings.  What can I do?  By the way I have shared with you more than I have ever shared with anyone else. So thanks for this.

guilty

Dear guilty,

I just want you to know that you are not alone. We all have done things when we are young and inexperienced that we live to regret. Abortion is a big one for some people.  It is against religious values and at the human core we have religion.  There is also redemption and that too is at the core of religion.  There is forgiveness and a path to move forward. Your grief over a lost child is real. You must find a way to forgive yourself. Perhaps you might be able to do this best with the help of a counsellor.  Sometimes it helps a woman to do something in memory of her child, like for example, financially adopt an orphan in a third world country through one of the Charitable organizations, and help that child grow and develop.  This may help you to replace the guilt with hope.

Just remember we are only human, we make mistakes and I believe that is what life is all about, mistakes and learning. If we learn from our mistakes then it becomes a lesson to share with others.  Do not feel guilty for not sharing this part of yourself with your family.  Somethings are meant to be that way.  Why burden others with this knowledge.  It may only make them sad.  We are not compelled to share every detail of our lives with others, we should share only those things we want to share, and that is not being dishonest. When I buy a couch that has been used by others, do I need to know all that went on on that couch before? No, I may change the cover and turn it into something that I like or I might just leave it like that and enjoy it. This business of spilling guts and confessions to me are not important.  What is important is the need for us to forgive ourselves for mistakes we might have made in another lifetime. Life is precious, take what you have and it appears you have a lot, cherish and protect it and go forth. Some days you will have set backs but don’t stay there, reach for the sun on the horizons of life.