Worried about my dad

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 18 years old and I have been raised by my wonderful dad as a single parent ever since my mother died  when I was only 4 years old. My dad never remarried and as far as I know never had a girlfriend. He committed himself to looking after me and my two other sibling brothers who are older than me. My dad was our biggest cheer-leader and he is my best friend. I could talk to my dad like I would talk to a mother. He has been there, taking me to school on the bus, taking me with him shopping, taking me to gym classes and other extracurricular activities. I never once thought of him as a man. It was difficult for him when I brought home my boyfriend. It was something new for him and he scolded me in the ways of boys. Recently I lashed out at him when he tried to stop me from going out with my boyfriend. He thought I was seeing too much of this boy and I don’t think he likes the fact that my boyfriend is white. We are Ethiopians and with strong cultural ties to Ethiopia. He even made sure I spoke our mother tongue Amharic. In my anger, I told my dad to get a life and stop worrying about me. He turned to me and said  I think you’re right, I should get a life and get a wife now. You are all grown up and I promised your mother I would take care of our children  and she was able to die in peace. I apologized to my dad but I know I have disrespected my dad and I feel so bad. Something broke. Then, a month of so later, he started dressing up and going out and coming in later. I suspected that he may have found a girlfriend. Last week he brought an Ethiopian woman home and introduced her to us as a friend. She is no  stranger, we’ve seen her in the community. My brothers seem to like her but I find myself wishing she would go away and leave my dad alone. I don’t think she is good enough for my dad and worst of all I feel that I have pushed my dad away and into the arms of this woman who I feel is only going to come and complicate our lives and take my dad for all he has. My dad is accountant and we’re not doing too badly off. How can I let my dad know that this woman is not right for him.

Guilty

Dear Guilty,

Thank you for sharing your story but my answer is short and hopefully sweet. Leave your dad alone. He is a grown man and from your description of him he has been a great dad. He’s done what a lot of men would not do so be grateful he’s seen you through your most critical years. He is your father but he also is a man and he has needs. Let him be. I am sure if he finds out that this woman is incompatible with him he’would know what to do.  Be happy for him. With regards to your little hissy fit, most parents are resilient to their children’s insults and maybe that was indeed a wake up call for him to realize he could not live his life through his children but ought to get on with his own. He must be thanking you for that in his heart. It sounds like you and your dad has an easy rapport, so if after a while you can be objective about your dad’s relationship (let’s face it you must be a little jealous of another woman coming into your dad’s life – and that’s normal in these circumstances)  and if you see something that worries you, I am sure you can talk to your dad and maybe he will clarify things for you.  What a lucky girl you are to have had a father as you described. He is one special dad

Cheating Spouse

Dear globalcounselor,

I am an African American woman 58 years old and I have a cheating husband. I have threatened to leave him, I have begged him to leave her but he keeps on disrespecting me by continuing his affair with a woman with whom he has a child.  I am willing to look the other way and welcome the child into our home but the woman must go. My husband does not seem capable of doing that. He keeps saying he will and always end up going back to her. He claims to love me and does not want to lose what he’s got with me but yet he cannot give up the woman.

Truth be told, I am a proud woman and I do not want to be another statistic of broken home. I pride myself in keeping my family together but he is wearing me down. I love my husband and we are good god faring people but he has this weakness.  Do I have to live with this for the rest of my life?

Fedup

Dear fedup

No you don’t. It’s totally up to you. Can you live like this and look the other way or is this situation making you sick?  It seems to me that your husband has broken a cardinal rule in your marriage. Not only has he been unfaithful he has been careless in allowing himself to father a child outside of the marriage. From what you told me this man does not intend to give up anything. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. If you allow this to go on, it will be forever or until the woman kicks him out. You can end it by giving him a ultimatum to give up the woman or you. It is a risk that he might do nothing or choose the other woman, are you prepared for that?  Or will your ego continue to get in the way of your self-esteem? Whatever you choose is a lose, lose situation unless you do something about it now. Good luck.

New Year’s Eve

Dear globalcounselor,

It’s a couple days before New Year’s Eve and I have not had an invitation from my boyfriend. He has not mentioned anything about where I am going or what he is doing. He seems to be evading the topic and I don’t want to bring it up for him to think I am fishing for an invitation. I thought we were tight but I guess he must have someone else. Don’t you think he should have asked me by now?

Uncertain

Dear Uncertain,

I think your boyfriend ought to have asked you out by now. Maybe he is playing the field to see if he could catch something better.  I would ask him directly about his plans for the New Years Eve and whether you will be spending it together. No point beating around the bush.