Tag Archives: violence

My past has paid a visit

Dear globalcounselor,

A man with whom  I have  had an  intimate relationship that ended terribly, because violence was involved,  has made contact lately. This is after 20 years of silence. I must say I have never forgotten him. I have never had a relationship like the one I had with him on both the good and the bad fronts. At the time of our last meeting, I was so angry, I wished him dead. I thought I hated him but when I heard his voice over the phone three weeks ago, my heart melted like a teenager.   He invited me to dinner and it is strange how easily I accepted and agreed and met with him.  The first meeting was strained as we try to get over the bridge of the past. Since then we have had coffee a couple of times and even though these meetings are not anything like those of the past, I find myself looking forward to his calls. I am so afraid that I am being drawn into this man’s web again. He has caused me so much pain that I am surprised that I have succumbed so easily to his wiles again. Am I being foolish. Can a person ever change?

Foolish

Dear Foolish,

We all change with time. If we do not change of our own accord, time changes us. With age comes all kinds of illnesses and challenges that we are forced to make changes to adapt. Maybe you have allowed time to remove the hatred and anger you had towards this individual and that is a good thing. When you carry around anger and hatred towards another, you are hurting yourself and bringing yourself down and allowing the abuse to continue through your own thoughts. 

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, foolish or stupid.  As humans we need affection and to interact with others and if you find some joy or comfort in seeing this man, that’s alright but you are wiser now and if you use your wisdom correctly then I do not think you will allow the same kinds of mistakes to happen.  Trust yourself, be open and expect the best of the other.  If something does not feel right listen to that feeling and respond to what you feel and see not what you are told and you will be fine.

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My Child is being bullied at school

Dear globalcounselor,

My eight year old comes home crying each day. He tells me that some bigger boys tease him and take his stuff away and call him Gaylord.  My son is saying he does not want to return to school because he is afraid. I walked him to school for a week and try to push him to be tougher with those boys. I cannot walk him everyday and the bullying is not stopping. I also went to the school and tried to speak to the principal but he made me feel that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He said boys will be boys and even though they roundhouse they are still friends. He said I should teach my boy to toughen up and stand up for himself.  I am afraid for my son. I have watched a lot of tv shows on bullying enough to know that it is serious and can cause a lot of damage to my child.  I have been bullied myself  when I went to school because I was a little over weight and am a bit shy about approaching authorities. Would it be appropriate to write a letter to the principal.  What can I do?

Concerned mother

Concerned mother,

If you think you cannot face the principal of your child’s school, a letter will do but think about it, what are you teaching your child?  When he sees that you are incapable to standing up to his principal, he may feel that he cannot do anything for himself too.  I think the best thing is to take the letter and personally deliver it to the principal – make sure you keep a copy for yourself. Bullying is serious and children have committed suicide because of it. You let the principal know that it is his responsibility to take care of bullying in the school and should deal with the situation accordingly and not push it. The stakes could be high so use that fact to motivate you to put your fears aside and stand up for your son. You can do it.  Or take a friend with you for support if that will help but you must keep on top of what your son is experiencing and find a resolution.  Don’t let him feel he is all alone and no one understands because that’s not true. You do understand how he feels because you’ve been there too.

How to speak about sexual abuse to my child?

Dear globalcounselor,

I was sexually abused as a child and now that I have a daughter I am paranoid and I want to protect her all the time from potential predators. I trust no man, not even my father or brother. Isn’t that  weird? My father and brother are good people but they are men. How do I do this without making my daughter hate men?

paranoid

Dear paranoid,

Sexual Abuse is one of the most difficult topics to discuss or explain to children. In doing so, it is important to distinguish natural healthy curiosity and childhood sex play from exploitative behaviour.  Most early childhood sex play takes place between mixed gender friends of similar age  when both or all are willing participants.  It’s usually light hearted and untainted by fear or shame.  When an older more powerful person forces a child to engage in sexual activity this is not sex play.  It’s sexual abuse.
  To help children distinguish playful sexual exploration from potentially abusive situations, parents can explain the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touches. 
Tips for communicating with your child:
– Teach proper scientific names for all body parts.
– Stay open to questions making sure the child knows you’re willing to listen.
– Take questions seriously and answer in age appropriate detail that the child can understand.
– Be honest
– Take
your time and don’t jump to conclusions.

Stuck in a Rot

Dear globalcounselor,

I have the same boyfriend since the 7th grade and we love each other, I think. We’re both 25 years old. We fight all the time and he calls me so really mean names like slut, bitch, ho. I retaliate by calling him names too that denigrate his masculinity and I feel bad afterwards because I do not mean of the things I say. I say them to get back at him but he never apologizes to me and when I ask him to, he says why apologize when that is what you are and he ends with “but I love you”. Sometimes I feel we have outgrown each other and we do not really love each other but I can’t walk away it’s like I am addicted to him. What should I do?

Confused

 

Dear confused;

Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt and this may be the case. You need to take a break from each other. Calling each other hateful names is verbal abuse. Abuse is wrong in any way, shape or form in my book. Try either dating other people or just stop seeing each other and find yourselves as single autonomous people.  As they say, if it is true love, you will find each other again but if you do not then just say good bye to a childhood dream and move on with your adult lives.  Comfort is hard to let go of.  You two might just have become too comfortable with each other and take each other for granted like an old comfortable chair. Starting a new relationship is challenging and hard work. We humans have a tendency to be lazy. Get off your buts and start working on yourselves.  Good luck.