“Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering”
Ida Scott Taylor
Dear Global Counsellor,
I have just committed my childhood sweetheart and partner for more than 30 years to the nursing home. I am 73 years old and he is 80 years old. We`ve been together since I was in high school. He was married to another woman but had left her and hooked up with me. We have one child together. Over the years he worn thin but I loved him all through that. He never divorced his first wife so we`re not legally married. He has no will, nothing and it did not seem to mind. I bought my own house and it is only a few years ago on the prompting of family and friends that I made sure that it was only in my name because I believed that if he had died his children and ex could have come and claimed part of my home. Anyway, my honey has early onset Alzheimer`s disease and he was becoming more and more difficult for me to handle at home. He messes himself, he is a pack rat and keeps his room very dirty. I didn`t know what to do and I could not commit him because I was not his wife and his wife wanted nothing to do with him. I had to give him over to the state and together we concocted to get him out without incident. Told him he was going to the hospital. The men came with the ambulance a few days ago and took him away. I cried that entire day and the next, feeling guilty but relieved that I don`t have to deal with that. I could not handle it by myself. I feel I had no choice. I am dreading to go visit him because I expect he will dress me down good. This is one time I wish he will not remember anything. Am I a d woman. I feel it was my only choice.
You are not a bad woman. In fact you are a sensible woman. First cardinal rule in life is to take care of number one first. You are taking care of you and that is not a crime. You sound like a loving person who has given everything to this man and from the sound of things who has not given you much in return except your son. Putting him in a care home where he can receive the care he needs by professionals is the best and most loving thing you could have done for your honey. Breathe, visit him and try not to let his anger if any affect you. It is a difficult stage of life for the best of us so be compassionate and let him have his say but I doubt whether he will be like that. God bless you.
I am a 20 year African Caribbean man. My girlfriend is a 20 year old Caucasian. We both attend University and love each other a lot but I feel my girlfriend is a racist and the more I think about it, the more I become disappointed and aware that this might not work out or may take too much work to get her to understand that she is a beneficiary of the white privilege. She argues with me that she is not privileged and came from a poor family and take exception to me saying she is privileged. She talks about reverse racism and Black folks doing exactly to white folks what were done to them and it does not make it right. She said we‘re trying to guilt trip people into buying into this white privilege BS. She calls it all propaganda. How can I educate this woman to get her to understand that white privilege is real? I am fed up with her and am ready to call it a day because of cultural or social impasse. She is wonderful and I don‘t think she is consciously a racist but her refusal to accept white privilege is like an alcoholic refusal to admit he or she is an alcoholic. Am I being judgemental here should I leave her in ignorance and continue our relationship?
Maybe this is something you have to leave for someone else to do. Your girlfriend appears to have a mind of her own and that’s okay.
It sometimes takes an alcoholic years to admit that their drinking is a problem.
Understanding white privilege is not an easy concept for white folks to get because the privilege blacks see in society white folks take for granted and their right. To them it appears neutral. It took Peggy McIntosh serious self-reflection to realize that her world was a lot different from that of the Blacks around her. It was a white woman who put a name and a framework around white privilege through examination of her own lives. If you and this woman should have children and through their experience she might come to understand that society favours white skin. Hopefully by then, things would have changed.
You are something the whole universe is doing in the same way that a wave is something that the whole ocean is doing. The real you is not a puppet which life pushes around. The real, deep down you is the whole universe. ~ Alan Watts
I am desperate and need help in dealing with my husband’s obsession with the computer. He is addicted to social media. He spends lots of time on the computer. As soon as he comes home from work at the end of the day he turns on the computer and he sits there until past midnight. Many nights I go to bed alone because he is with the computer. I feel so alone. He tells me that I should be happy that he is home and not out on the street like some other men. That’s no consolation to me. When I voice my concerns he calls me a nag and it says that drives him to spend more time on FB. I don’t know what to do. I am jealous of the time he spends with friends on FB and many of them are female friends. I am at my wits end. Our children are grown and they have lives of their own. It’s just me and him at home all the time. What should I do?
Your husband seems to be addicted to these social media. I think you have to find reasons for you to get out more often, suggest activities outside the home or invite friends over for dinner or coffee where he would have to be involved. With your husband develop rules around social mean vis a vis family time. If he is open to it, seek the advice of a counsellor. Sounds like your concerns have fallen on deaf ears. Could you find activities for yourself out of the home- go to the movies with your girlfriend, have girls’ night out – go for coffee and not be available to him as much. Nagging is not helping. However If you are not available at home as much he might start wondering what’s going on and be willing to make room for you in his life again or begin a conversation about your concern.