Tag Archives: cheating

I’m feeling restless in my relationship

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 57-year-old married woman of 35 years.  My husband, God bless him, is the only man I have ever known. We started dating in high school and got married in the middle of college. I became pregnant and had to drop out of my nursing program and we were married. Life has been good to us.  For the most part we have been reasonably happy but as life is becoming a bit stagnant. My hubby is more set in his ways than ever and seems to be unaware of my existence or need for physical contact consumed as he is in his internet buddies.  There is no shortage of internet tidbits or what’s happening in his friends  lives on the net.  He is so engrossed in his “friends on the net”he’ls like a teenager with their first cell phone or iPhone. He is constantly checking his status here and there – things that are totally alien to me.  I pass my time volunteering at the Seniors Centre helping the hungry and homeless people out there.

Recently, I met a man about 10 years my junior who appears to be interested and I have more than a casual interest in this man. We take our coffee breaks together, have wonderful conversations.  A few days ago he put his arms around me as we were both laughing at a joke one of the clients made.  I know it was an innocent act but it felt good. I find myself looking forward to going to volunteering at the Centre so that I could see this man. I felt bad about it and yet I don’t want to stop. I am tempted to have an affair because I am not prepared to leave my husband and give up all that we have.  I don’t feel I will be doing anything hurtful to him because he does not know that I exist anyway.  He is happy with his internet friends and buddies.  Do you think I am a terrible person for even thinking of cheating on my husband?

Terrible

Dear Terrible:

It seems as if you have looked for an escape and you found one.  While there is no harm in flirting, having an all out affair can become much more complicated than it first appears. In most cases women fall much harder for the men and the question of leaving their husbands may come up and if your partner does not want to go that route then you end up feeling hurt and used.  I am not the moral arbiter on this issue.  It’s up to you and what you can live with.  There are known cases where an outside affair serves to strengthen a flagging relationship and in other cases the affair ends a relationship as trust is broken.

You are obviously feeling neglected by your husband. His obsession with the internet has left you out in the cold and your dissatisfaction makes you an easy prey for extramarital affairs.  You have to be certain of what you want and what consequences you are prepared to accept for your action.  On the other hand, you might want to have a serious conversation with your husband and let him know where you’re at.  Such a conversation might wake him up.

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I close my ears to protect my lifestyle

Dear globalcounselor,

A few weeks ago my best friend told me that my husband was coming on to her.  She said if he is coming onto her, who is like a sister friend, that he must be cheating on her with other women.   She said it took a lot out of her to tell me because she knew what the risks were in telling me. She said the risk was that I would not believe her and the possible end of our friendship.  It’s exactly what happened. I told my friend that she is jealous of the relationship I have with my husband and that he met both of us the same time. If he were interested in her he would have gone after her instead of me.

Globalcounselor, I blasted my girlfriend to pieces. I told her she is not longer welcome in myh home and friends do not do that to each other. I cried the whole day after we had a falling out because deep, deep, down inside I know instinctually that what myt friend is saying is true.  I felt it a long time that my husband was cheating on me but when I look around at how settled my life is – we have everything, a beautiful home, two cars, two beautiful children, great friends.  Money is not a problem because my husband is a neuroscientist.  I have found phone numbers in his pockets, I have seen lipstick on his clothes and he goes away on weekends on trips with the “boys” which are all symptoms of a cheating spouse.  I had intended to look the other way to safeguard my life and my children.  If I should tell my girlfriend I believed her, then I would be compelled to do something about it.  I am so unhappy but it is difficult to let go. I know I should have a talk with my husband but I am afraid he will tell me that it’s over that he is no longer into me and family life,  I am thinking if I lie low he will come to his senses and change his ways.  What do you think I should do.

Afraid

Dear Afraid,

Sometimes the truth is difficult to hear. But you have said you are not happy.  Are you prepared to live an unhappy life in the hope that your cheating husband would change his ways?  What kind of life is that?  What are you teaching your children by that example?  I think first of all you pick up the phone and call your friend and apologize to her. A good girlfriend is worth a thousand times more than a cheating husband.  girlfriends are there to help you pick up the pieces when your life shatters.  Secondly, have a talk with your husband, tell the truth.  He is who he is and remaining quiet in the hope that he would come to his senses is foolish.  A snake is a snake my child.  A snake might camouflage  himself as a lizard but underneath he is still a snake.  Life is more than stuff and lifestyle. Life is about peace of mind, joy, happiness and contentment. Don’t be seduced by a fancy lifestyle at the expense of your self-worth.  Stand up for yourself.

Snooping addiction

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a married woman. I have been married for 15 years to the same man. We have a relationship that goes hot and cold. Sometimes we are very tight and sometimes we are kindda distant. I love my husband very much. We have two beautiful children. I never suspected him of any wrongdoing over the years 20 years – we dated for five years before tying the knot – but lately I have been guilty of suspicious mind and eyes.  My husband’s behaviour has changed in a different way.  He seems perkier than usual, happier than usual and  have late meetings more often and often he would bring me a little treat – lindt chocolate that I like, or a small tcb tub and I am asking myself why?  He’s never done that before.  I feel it is to appease his guilt for cheating on me. So I have taken to rifling through his brief case, checking his call display on his cell phone, smelling his clothes for perfume or checking for lipstick, checking for condoms, listening in on his phone calls.  In other words I have become the biggest sleuth, and I am beginning to feel guilty and scared.  What if he finds out what I have been up to?  What can I do to quell this nagging doubt I have about my husband’s fidelity?

Snoop

Dear Snoop,

What you are doing is dishonest and wrong. If you think your husband is cheating on you, ask him. Frame your concern in a way that does not offend, say something like I’ve been feeling a little insecure about our relationship lately because there is something different about you and I am wondering if there is someone else?  It’s direct but yet soft. That would give him space to explain or to confirm your worst fears.  It’s always better to ask questions instead of acting from a place of fear.

Mysterious phone calls late at nights

Dear globalcounselor,

Once a week my husband calls a woman in another state and he spends hours on the phone with her. He said they are colleagues and disussing matters of scholarship.  They are both microbiologists. He said that I should not be narrowminded, this woman is a f riend of many years, a woman he went to University with.  She never phones, he always phones.  If I pass by his office, he lowers his voice. I know something’s going on and I am afraid for our marriage. I would never leave him because I cannot survive on my own but I am afraid he might leave me. He usually tells me that I have an active imagination.  I know  I’m right,  it’s women’s intuition.  What can I do to hold on to my husband.

Afraid

Dear afraid,

What would you do if you find out that your intuition is correct.  Would you leave your husband?  If you are not prepared to leave him then you have to find something creative to distract your husand from the other woman. Howabout you start having long conversations with a pretend old boyfriend and appear to be having a lot of fun.  Talk to your husband about Joe an old school friend who once had a crush on you.  If he becomes jealous you will know that the woman he is talking to is more than a friend and if he is not jealous, perhaps he is telling the truth.  There is a saying that a thief does not like to see anyone walking with an empty bag  he thinks the person is going to steal because that what he does.  The point is jealousy can make us do some crazy things, it magnifies a molehill into mountain. The way to tackle it, is head on.  Ask the questions, talk it over or prove it. Bug the phone and tape the conversation. You said you will not leave, then pour on the love and attention, go for walks, around the time he calls, find something else to do with him. Most of all, talk, share, express feelings, find out what’s lacking in the marriage and try to fix it.  There’s always a few sessions of counselling that could be helpful..