Tag Archives: abusive-relationship

I had run away with my two young children

Dear globalcounselor,

I recently went back to my country and married someone my parents picked for me. As soon as I saw him I liked him because he was tall, dark and handsome looking. He was also very well-educated. I did not go to university but my brothers are doctors and engineers and my family is well off. My father had his own business.  He could afford to send me to North America when I told him I wanted to come and live in North America because there are more opportunities for girls. He was happy for me to go because I was 23 and still not married. He thought sending me here might make me more attractive to Indian men back home. He was right.  We had one good year of marriage. I had two children in three years and then my husband began showing his true colours. He started at first to dehumanize me by calling me stupid, ignorant, bad mother, don’t know anything. He always used to say “what’s wrong with you are you crazy?” After a while I began to feel useless and crazy. Then he started slapping me around.  If he comes home and dinner is not on the table or the house is a little bit messy he would get into a range and push me hard against a wall and tell me to smarten up.  Once when I told him I will tell my father, he beat me badly and threaten to finish off my father if I told him anything. I was so scared. I became a puppy dog, trying to do everything to please this man.  I was foolish enough to still love him and genuinely wanted to please him so that he would stop beating me. One night he came home a little intoxicated and one of the children might have left one of their toys by the door and he tripped and fell and he picked up a shoe and started hitting me on the head calling me stupid. I ran to the phone and dialled 911 before I could change my mind the police came and I was dripping in blood. My husband tried to tell the police that I fell but I saw my coffin and I said no, my husband has been hitting me for a long time. I was trembling like a leaf.  The police told my husband to find someplace else to live and to leave me and the children in the house.  The police were great. They referred me to a shelter and I have been receiving counselling ever since.  It is hard raising two children by myself but when I think of the alternative, this is a piece of cake.  His family and my family are after me to reconcile and I said I could never go back, he’d have to wash my feet and drink the water first. He is very cruel and has hurt me. I just want to tell other women, they don’t have to wait as long as I did. It was all for nothing. I thought he’d change and he never did, it only got worse. I would have died one day, had I not have the courage to phone for help.

Abused wife

Dear Abuse wife:

Thanks for sharing.  It is true, there is no pay in delay when it comes to wife abuse.  Sometimes it is best to sever ties and move on. The children are better off. It is no good for children to witness such abuse. It confuses them.  If you are in an abusive relationship, take the first step and get help. You deserve better.

 

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Fed up with elderly parent

Dear globalcounselor,

Both my parents are in their late 80’s and I am their only child. My mom is the sweetest and gentlest person I know but my dad insists on being mean to her regularly. I hate the way he speaks to her.  I have confronted him  many times asking him to be nice to mom. He does not hear himself because he thinks he is being normal. The problem is my mom has allowed dad to have his way over the years but she does not have the energy to do the things he wants her to do – like cooking three meals a day and taking care of his needs. He keeps saying she is not doing her share of the work.  In the meantime he does nothing but calls for help in doing “man’s” work – like mowing the lawn, cleaning the eaves etc.  I feel like taking my mom out of the situation and leaving him in his house alone.  She does not deserve this kind of abuse in her old age. I am so hurt and distraught over this. It really bothers me. How can I help.

Distraught

Dear Distraught,

Habits are hard to kill and some become more entrenched as we age. There comes a time when we have to make tough choices. Perhaps your father just cannot help himself. It is who he is.  If your mom did not stand up to him when she could i.e. when she was younger, he probably thinks that his behaviour is quite acceptable to her.  Your scolding him will not help, your threats may help for a short time but without good counselling, he will not voluntarily change. It may be too late for counselling at this point in the game.  Maybe they need their own space – maybe it’s time to get them each their own apartment in the same complex where they can see each other when they like. Or if chores are the problem e.g. cooking and cleaning the house, hire someone to come in and do the work, maybe that would solve the problem.  Another suggestion is to segregate them in different parts of the house.  Your mom can have a self-contained room where she can enjoy her peace and quiet.  It’s a difficult choice no matter how you look at it but something needs to be done to stop the abuse of your mother. No one at any age needs to live in an abusive relationship.