Category Archives: abuse

I live in a hellish relationship

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 50 years old with grown children and I live with a husband who still abuses me. My husband likes a present our family as intact and he being in control of this thing call family. Behind closed doors he screams at me and when I scream back at him he pushes me around, slaps me in my face and calls me all kinds of name. I am a professional woman too but because I do not have a PhD like he does, he thinks I am less than him and that I should be so grateful to have him as my husband. He is a bully and I hate him. Sometimes I feel like boiling a pot of water and throw it over him when he is asleep.  My children are aware that things are not right at home and they stay away as much as they can spending time with their friends or going to the gym. I am fearful that I am not being a good role model for my daughters. I would not want them living the way I live.  I am thinking seriously of leaving my husband of 30 years. I know my Nigerian community will reject me because they feel a woman should always remain with her husband and pray to God but God is telling me it’s time to leave this junky man I married. He is heartless and cruel and does not have any love in his heart. I am tire and I am too old to live like this. What do you think globalcounselor, would it be so terrible if I leave, am I being unreasonable, a bad wife and mother. What should I do?


Dear Ashamed,

You need to get out of this relationship. After 30 years, you need a break.  No women should remain in an abusive relationship. Abuse is about controlling a woman. You are an abused woman living in a violent relationship with an intimate partner and sometimes the only way to find peace and a life free of this violence is to leave.

A man who abuses his wife has not self-esteem. He is a man who feels that he is not getting enough respect outside the home so to make up for that he becomes a tyrant in the home and asserts his power over his wife and children. When the children are old enough and he can no longer abuse them, he still has the wife to make her life a hell.

Wife abuse is damaging to a woman, physically, spiritually and emotionally.  Many feel they deserve the abuse or they cannot do better than what they have with this man, or they tell themselves they cannot leave because of the children, or that he will change. They make up these stories to justify them remaining in the situation.  It is the shame they feel that force them to make up stories until they cannot make up anymore and then the remorse and sadness sets in, which then expresses itself as anger mostly at oneself.  Do not return abuse with abuse.  You said you are a professional woman, develop a protection plan for yourself before you make a move. Tell a trusted friend, seek help from a counsellor, make sure you have money and a place to go when you leave. Plan your escape well. You can also get the police involved to keep you safe in case he comes looking for you. No one has a right to hit you or make you feel less than. Take back your power. Good luck.


Stuck in a Rot

Dear globalcounselor,

I have the same boyfriend since the 7th grade and we love each other, I think. We’re both 25 years old. We fight all the time and he calls me so really mean names like slut, bitch, ho. I retaliate by calling him names too that denigrate his masculinity and I feel bad afterwards because I do not mean of the things I say. I say them to get back at him but he never apologizes to me and when I ask him to, he says why apologize when that is what you are and he ends with “but I love you”. Sometimes I feel we have outgrown each other and we do not really love each other but I can’t walk away it’s like I am addicted to him. What should I do?



Dear confused;

Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt and this may be the case. You need to take a break from each other. Calling each other hateful names is verbal abuse. Abuse is wrong in any way, shape or form in my book. Try either dating other people or just stop seeing each other and find yourselves as single autonomous people.  As they say, if it is true love, you will find each other again but if you do not then just say good bye to a childhood dream and move on with your adult lives.  Comfort is hard to let go of.  You two might just have become too comfortable with each other and take each other for granted like an old comfortable chair. Starting a new relationship is challenging and hard work. We humans have a tendency to be lazy. Get off your buts and start working on yourselves.  Good luck.