Immigrant Lover

Dear globalcounselor,

I have been going out with a man from Trinidad for a few years. Every Christmas he always leaves me to hang out to dry in the frosty snow while he goes off to visit relatives in the tropical paradise of Trinidad in the West Indies. I think he is so selfish not to invite me along.  No matter how I cajole him to spend Christmas with me he sniggers and says his family would be very disappointed. I feel he has a woman down there and just stringing me along for the ride at his convenience.  He spends a month there whenever he goes.   Globalcounselor, I think I am wasting my time, I feel it in my heart. I think I just have to have the guts to cut the rope.  I am 39 years old and have been never married.

Suspicious

Dear suspicious,

I think if you continue with this guy, you many never be married. You’ve answered your own question and I agree with you 100 per cent.  He is selfish and not thinking about you. Give him an ultimatum and if he can’t deliver walk away and put your energy into a relationship that’s going somewhere.

Christmas Blues

Dear globalcounselor,

It’s almost Christmas and the dread is overtaking me. The dread of our once or twice a year family dinners. Everybody is expected to attend.  It’s nice to be with my folks and to see my nieces and nephews but my siblings are boring. All they could talk about is their acquisitions, be it new home, new car, new this or that and all their accomplishments. My parents, like any parents bask in their accomplishment.  I usually do not have much to contribute to these discussions except talking about my ex-husband and whether the child support payments he owes me will ever be paids. I had a nervous breakdown after my separation four years ago and since then I have not been able to hold on to any job for any amount of time. My siblings think that I am just plain lazy and don’t want to work. I am wallowing in self-pity and I have to pull up my bootstraps.  They make sure they give me practical gifts and money because I am always short. I feel awful for myself and my children because they feel kindda bad too because they are not involved in the extra curricular activities like my nephews and nieces. They have to work to help make ends meet in our home. I  am thinking of increasing my medication just to prepare for Christmas. I feel like such a failure to myself and my children especially.

When we are not with my siblings we have a great time together. There is a lot of love and care among us by ourselves but I can’t keep them away from their family. I like the fact of having a large extended family.  I have two sisters and a brother.  They have four children each. But God oh God, sometimes I can’t stand them. They make me feel bluesy.

Bluesy

Dear Bluesy:

Families are good but sometimes they can be a pain in the neck. It is true holiday times bring out the best and the worst in them.  It is a time of sharing and celebrating. It is obviously hard on you and I wonder why are you choosing to go to these events that leave you feeling so badly. Sometimes we have to grow up and leave toxic situation.  Perhaps you can form your own family of close friends and people who support and appreciate where you are at and who make you feel good about yourself. Perhaps if you take a stand your family will sit down and listen to how to feel and be a little more considerate.  If you can swing it try doing something different this year with just you and your children and see what happens.  Good luck. Families are something we can’t live with or without.