bMy girlfriend betrayed me

D ear globalcounselor,

I am a nurse and I work shift. When I am at work my husband stays home with the children.  We also have a babysitter who will watch the children if he had to go out in a hurry. My husband and I had a wonderful relationship. There was no problem. I trusted him with my life.  Last week I had to cancel my shift on short notice because I was not feeling well.  I didn’t tell my husband until 15 minutes before I was scheduled to leave. Instead of being happy that I’d be home, I felt he was a little disappointed. Then the babysitter showed up. I asked if he had planned on going out and why didn’t he tell me. He got mad and asked if he had to clear everything with the Sargent General.  I was taken aback but I was too sick to argue. Then I heard him whispering on the phone about change of plans and that Carla is home and is not going to work. I pretended not to hear. I asked him who was he talking to and he said he was telling his buddy that plans changed. He said he was not going to leave me home alone with the kids when I am sick. I thought that was sweet. Late that evening when my husband was asleep curiosity made me check the phone to see the last caller. My best friend’s phone number showed up. I did not think anything at first but the next day when I asked why she called the house and spoke to Doug. She said that it was something she wanted to ask him about plumbing. She said her toilet was plugged and bubbling up. Oh my God, I knew something was going on between them. After much cross-examination by me and mutual yelling my husband admitted he slept with my best friend and they were going to go out to talk about ending the relationship because they both felt it was not right.

I have decided not to divorce my husband over this because of my children but how do I move on, how do I trust him again? Am I doing the right thing.

Confused

Dear confused.

If you decide to forgive your husband’s indiscretion, you have to stop focussing on his behaviour and start thinking of what you shared before this happen. Focussing on the marriage and think of ways you can move forward beyond this.  I have seen marriages survive infidelity but there has to be more than just for the children. There has to be a foundation of love or something to build upon. To want to remain in a loveless marriage for children will not do your children any favour. Think of some of the things you can do to forget. Will you still have your girlfriend in your life. How about a vacation, just the two of you. Some ideas to get you started.

I Cheated on my wife

Dear globalcounselor,

I have been married for 25 years and have a great marriage. I love my wife and children and they are the most important part of my life. Without them I will be nothing, there will be no joy in my life. My wife is my high school sweetheart and she is my best friend.  In spite of all that I have done the unthinkable and it weighs heavily on me. I don’t know where to turn. I bumped into this website so I thought since I can maintain my anonymity I’d give it a shot. I am a confused man. How could it have happened? I have cheated on my wife more than once in the past couple of months with a woman who I care about as well.  This woman, 10 years my junior,  is like a breath  of fresh air, she excites me  and my manhood that I thought could never happen again because my wife and I have slipped into that comfortable phase of our lives and exist  almost like room-mates. Our love for each other is that deep abiding love but not that passionate, not that arousing kind of lusty love. I am confused. I want to tell her what I have done but afraid it might change our relationships even end our marriage something I can’t even think about without tearing up inside.  The woman I’ve been with is a colleague – we are on the same Board of a charitable foundation and one thing led to another.  We were drawn to each other by some unseen force and I like what I feel with her but it can’t continue.  I have not been this alive in a long time and that part feels good. It feels like springtime again, love or lust is in the air and I am revelling in it as long as I can put my marriage out of my mind in that moment.

Sweet angst                  

Dear sweet angst,

You need to call Oprah or Dr. Phil right away because you’re in deep trouble. You sound as if you are going through some kind of mid-life crisis on the one hand and on the other hand you sound like someone who needs some attention as a man from your wife that you are not getting. Sometimes married couples stop behaving like partners and more like parents or good friends instead of lovers. You are both parents and partners and the partnership relationship must always be number one.  If you have the opportunity to go on a retreat with your wife at one of those encounter sessions that some churches organize I think that will be excellent. I have heard of good things about those encounter session where couples were able to connect with the story that brought them together in the first place. Others go on a  cruise.   Being on the ocean feeling carefree does put a bit of spark in a dying relationship.  I think your relationship is solid.  You must confess your sins to your wife in order to start on your new journey into your marriage. Your wife will forgive you if you forgive yourself and if you make it up to her in a big way.  Sometimes these extramarital crazy relationships are a wakeup call to what’s missing. You can fix it.  Your marriage can be stronger and more exciting f you want to.  What you did was wrong but it is not the end of the world, not if you use the lesson in it.

 

My husband is eccentric and he is pushing me away

Dear globalcounselor,

Me and my husband came to North America 25 years ago. At first we struggled to make ends meet.  We are a bi-racial couple. He is more African than me. I could pass for a white person with an accent. He had a much harder time getting that first job than I did and we believe it was because of discrimination. Anyway we had three children and they are all grown up and taking care of themselves. My husband is a perfectionist, he is always grumpy about everything in our new home including discrimination. He does not like our daughter’s boyfriend because he is not a university graduate and therefore he does not speak or have anything to do with them.  Our daughter and him have not spoken in years.This is troubling for me.  We are at a stage in our lives where we both have good jobs and can enjoy ourselves but he is so negative all the time that I am becoming tired of trying to please him.  He does not want to mix with people from our community who are mostly like myself, whitish looking, because they are all racists. We quarrel all the time because we cannot see eye to eye.  I am also upset with him because he does not want to reach out to our daughter and that hurts me. Sometimes we do not speak for days and I am getting tired and depressed. I find myself looking at other men with interest that I had never done before and it tells me that I am looking for love. I love him as my husband and a human being but he is dragging me down with his negativity and complaining, complaining all the time.

Tired

Dear tired:

Your marriage does appear to have a lot of problems, serious ones that need to be looked after before it gets worse and irreparable damage occurs. I believe in seeking outside help from a neutral party who will not take sides. It is important that you be honest with each other and get everything out on the table. There may be old grudges festering and creating problems for you now.

Your husband does sound like a man with a lot of issues but I am only hearing your side of the story. He might look at the problem from a completely different perspective. It sounds as if you can afford a professional counselor. My advice to you is to seek out the help you need. It will be money well worth it, if it results in saving your marriage.  There is no perfect marriage out there. Every marriage has its problems and we are all imperfect creatures of habit. If you leave your husband there is no guarantee that you would find a better man, a man without problems so think carefully, is it better to deal with the devil you know or the one that you do not know.  I think this marriage and the entire family need a good sit down together to heal the relationships. It is not good for a daughter not to speak to her father and it is not good for a father to hold grudges against his daughter for the choices she makes. It is her life and her decision, parents must respect their children and not treat them like possessions or puppets to do what mom and dad want. That is a sure way to lose them and lose their respect.

Your homework:

discuss the matter with your husband

– hire a counsellor that you both agree on

– Be honest with each other – let everything out  – it’s sink or swim time

– You both must want to save the marriage.  It sounds as if it is worth saving. You have to get over the communication hump and I think you’ll be good to go.

I close my ears to protect my lifestyle

Dear globalcounselor,

A few weeks ago my best friend told me that my husband was coming on to her.  She said if he is coming onto her, who is like a sister friend, that he must be cheating on her with other women.   She said it took a lot out of her to tell me because she knew what the risks were in telling me. She said the risk was that I would not believe her and the possible end of our friendship.  It’s exactly what happened. I told my friend that she is jealous of the relationship I have with my husband and that he met both of us the same time. If he were interested in her he would have gone after her instead of me.

Globalcounselor, I blasted my girlfriend to pieces. I told her she is not longer welcome in myh home and friends do not do that to each other. I cried the whole day after we had a falling out because deep, deep, down inside I know instinctually that what myt friend is saying is true.  I felt it a long time that my husband was cheating on me but when I look around at how settled my life is – we have everything, a beautiful home, two cars, two beautiful children, great friends.  Money is not a problem because my husband is a neuroscientist.  I have found phone numbers in his pockets, I have seen lipstick on his clothes and he goes away on weekends on trips with the “boys” which are all symptoms of a cheating spouse.  I had intended to look the other way to safeguard my life and my children.  If I should tell my girlfriend I believed her, then I would be compelled to do something about it.  I am so unhappy but it is difficult to let go. I know I should have a talk with my husband but I am afraid he will tell me that it’s over that he is no longer into me and family life,  I am thinking if I lie low he will come to his senses and change his ways.  What do you think I should do.

Afraid

Dear Afraid,

Sometimes the truth is difficult to hear. But you have said you are not happy.  Are you prepared to live an unhappy life in the hope that your cheating husband would change his ways?  What kind of life is that?  What are you teaching your children by that example?  I think first of all you pick up the phone and call your friend and apologize to her. A good girlfriend is worth a thousand times more than a cheating husband.  girlfriends are there to help you pick up the pieces when your life shatters.  Secondly, have a talk with your husband, tell the truth.  He is who he is and remaining quiet in the hope that he would come to his senses is foolish.  A snake is a snake my child.  A snake might camouflage  himself as a lizard but underneath he is still a snake.  Life is more than stuff and lifestyle. Life is about peace of mind, joy, happiness and contentment. Don’t be seduced by a fancy lifestyle at the expense of your self-worth.  Stand up for yourself.