I’m in love with my brother’s wife

Dear globalcounselor,

I am in big trouble. I am in love with my brother’s wife.  OMG she is hot and so beautiful I can’t stop thinking of her. I love my brother and I love his wife even more. She loves me too and we’ve fooled around a little bit, jokingly but I know if I press it something could happen. I am thinking of leaving the city all together and go somewhere else to live to get her out of my system. If I stay I might do something that I may regret for the rest of my life and bring divisions in our close-knit family. Do you think I should walk away from her, this woman who I feel I love and  will be difficult to live without.

Scum

Dear Scum,

I think you should leave this one alone. Your brother’s wife is off bounds. Leave it alone and be the better man you are and walk away from this temptation. Imagine if your brother should  find out that you have betrayed him, how would you feel about that – how would your brother feel about that? Go and find another woman, there are plenty of fishes in the sea man.  What is to say that after you betray your brother this woman realizes  that he is the one she really loves.  Why didn’t she choose you before the wedding? It might help you to try to see your sister-in-law as your sister. Would you fall in love with your sister? I don’t think so.

I feel like a stranger in my home

Dear globalcounselor,

I recently came up from the Caribbean with my wife and four children. Before we came, we were a loving, open family where I felt I had place in the home.  Both my wife and I worked and we tried to give our children the best education money could buy. Since we came, thanks to the generosity of my sister who has been living over here for a number of years, things have changed. My wife’s attitude has changed so much I feel I do not know this woman. Money seems to be more important than anything else.  We both have menial jobs trying to make ends meet. Her money is hers and mine is ours. I am expected to pay the bills and when I ask her what she is doing with her money, she tells me it is none of my business. Two weeks ago, my daughter went to a party with people I did not know and came home the following morning as I was leaving for work. I asked her where she was coming from and she said from a sleep over with friends. I was upset and I asked my wife if she knew about that and she said yes and I wanted to know why no one told me, she told me this is the US not back home, children have rights.  I said to myself oh my God, did I make a mistake in bringing my family to the US? My wife is always trying to undermine me with my children.  I am thinking of divorce. I am feeling very discouraged. She has moved out from our bed room and sleeping with our children.

Ready to divorce

Dear Ready to Divorce,

Your marriage is in deep trouble. The problem is communication.  It seems like you and your wife have a block in communication. If this is not corrected, the marriage is headed to divorce. The stresses of integration  into a new country might be impacting on your marriage but this is the time to stick together because together you stand a better chance of a successful life. Encourage your wife to return to your bedroom even if you have to do it with flowers.  However if there is no love or mistrust  between you two then it makes no sense. If there is love I would urge you to try to work it out through some kind of  free community couple counselling. There is still hope. Talk to each other, break the barrier, get your egos out of the way and if that does not work then it will be the divorce lawyer you’ll be talking with. Sometimes couples stop speaking to each other for reasons that are not obvious, perhaps it is because there is less money to work with, adjusting to a new life, feeling out of control or that one is not being up front with the other.  Not telling you that your child will be having a sleep over could be a passive aggressive action. There is hurt or something that triggers this negative behaviour especially if it something new for her.

I Cheated on my wife

Dear globalcounselor,

I have been married for 25 years and have a great marriage. I love my wife and children and they are the most important part of my life. Without them I will be nothing, there will be no joy in my life. My wife is my high school sweetheart and she is my best friend.  In spite of all that I have done the unthinkable and it weighs heavily on me. I don’t know where to turn. I bumped into this website so I thought since I can maintain my anonymity I’d give it a shot. I am a confused man. How could it have happened? I have cheated on my wife more than once in the past couple of months with a woman who I care about as well.  This woman, 10 years my junior,  is like a breath  of fresh air, she excites me  and my manhood that I thought could never happen again because my wife and I have slipped into that comfortable phase of our lives and exist  almost like room-mates. Our love for each other is that deep abiding love but not that passionate, not that arousing kind of lusty love. I am confused. I want to tell her what I have done but afraid it might change our relationships even end our marriage something I can’t even think about without tearing up inside.  The woman I’ve been with is a colleague – we are on the same Board of a charitable foundation and one thing led to another.  We were drawn to each other by some unseen force and I like what I feel with her but it can’t continue.  I have not been this alive in a long time and that part feels good. It feels like springtime again, love or lust is in the air and I am revelling in it as long as I can put my marriage out of my mind in that moment.

Sweet angst                  

Dear sweet angst,

You need to call Oprah or Dr. Phil right away because you’re in deep trouble. You sound as if you are going through some kind of mid-life crisis on the one hand and on the other hand you sound like someone who needs some attention as a man from your wife that you are not getting. Sometimes married couples stop behaving like partners and more like parents or good friends instead of lovers. You are both parents and partners and the partnership relationship must always be number one.  If you have the opportunity to go on a retreat with your wife at one of those encounter sessions that some churches organize I think that will be excellent. I have heard of good things about those encounter session where couples were able to connect with the story that brought them together in the first place. Others go on a  cruise.   Being on the ocean feeling carefree does put a bit of spark in a dying relationship.  I think your relationship is solid.  You must confess your sins to your wife in order to start on your new journey into your marriage. Your wife will forgive you if you forgive yourself and if you make it up to her in a big way.  Sometimes these extramarital crazy relationships are a wakeup call to what’s missing. You can fix it.  Your marriage can be stronger and more exciting f you want to.  What you did was wrong but it is not the end of the world, not if you use the lesson in it.

 

I’m feeling restless in my relationship

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 57-year-old married woman of 35 years.  My husband, God bless him, is the only man I have ever known. We started dating in high school and got married in the middle of college. I became pregnant and had to drop out of my nursing program and we were married. Life has been good to us.  For the most part we have been reasonably happy but as life is becoming a bit stagnant. My hubby is more set in his ways than ever and seems to be unaware of my existence or need for physical contact consumed as he is in his internet buddies.  There is no shortage of internet tidbits or what’s happening in his friends  lives on the net.  He is so engrossed in his “friends on the net”he’ls like a teenager with their first cell phone or iPhone. He is constantly checking his status here and there – things that are totally alien to me.  I pass my time volunteering at the Seniors Centre helping the hungry and homeless people out there.

Recently, I met a man about 10 years my junior who appears to be interested and I have more than a casual interest in this man. We take our coffee breaks together, have wonderful conversations.  A few days ago he put his arms around me as we were both laughing at a joke one of the clients made.  I know it was an innocent act but it felt good. I find myself looking forward to going to volunteering at the Centre so that I could see this man. I felt bad about it and yet I don’t want to stop. I am tempted to have an affair because I am not prepared to leave my husband and give up all that we have.  I don’t feel I will be doing anything hurtful to him because he does not know that I exist anyway.  He is happy with his internet friends and buddies.  Do you think I am a terrible person for even thinking of cheating on my husband?

Terrible

Dear Terrible:

It seems as if you have looked for an escape and you found one.  While there is no harm in flirting, having an all out affair can become much more complicated than it first appears. In most cases women fall much harder for the men and the question of leaving their husbands may come up and if your partner does not want to go that route then you end up feeling hurt and used.  I am not the moral arbiter on this issue.  It’s up to you and what you can live with.  There are known cases where an outside affair serves to strengthen a flagging relationship and in other cases the affair ends a relationship as trust is broken.

You are obviously feeling neglected by your husband. His obsession with the internet has left you out in the cold and your dissatisfaction makes you an easy prey for extramarital affairs.  You have to be certain of what you want and what consequences you are prepared to accept for your action.  On the other hand, you might want to have a serious conversation with your husband and let him know where you’re at.  Such a conversation might wake him up.