How to speak about sexual abuse to my child?

Dear globalcounselor,

I was sexually abused as a child and now that I have a daughter I am paranoid and I want to protect her all the time from potential predators. I trust no man, not even my father or brother. Isn’t that  weird? My father and brother are good people but they are men. How do I do this without making my daughter hate men?

paranoid

Dear paranoid,

Sexual Abuse is one of the most difficult topics to discuss or explain to children. In doing so, it is important to distinguish natural healthy curiosity and childhood sex play from exploitative behaviour.  Most early childhood sex play takes place between mixed gender friends of similar age  when both or all are willing participants.  It’s usually light hearted and untainted by fear or shame.  When an older more powerful person forces a child to engage in sexual activity this is not sex play.  It’s sexual abuse.
  To help children distinguish playful sexual exploration from potentially abusive situations, parents can explain the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touches. 
Tips for communicating with your child:
- Teach proper scientific names for all body parts.
- Stay open to questions making sure the child knows you’re willing to listen.
- Take questions seriously and answer in age appropriate detail that the child can understand.
- Be honest
- Take your time and don’t jump to conclusions.

Stuck in a Rot

Dear globalcounselor,

I have the same boyfriend since the 7^th grade and we love each other, I think. We’re both 25 years old. We fight all the time and he calls me so really mean names like slut, bitch, ho. I retaliate by calling him names too that denigrate his masculinity and I feel bad afterwards because I do not mean of the things I say. I say them to get back at him but he never apologizes to me and when I ask him to, he says why apologize when that is what you are and he ends with “but I love you”. Sometimes I feel we have outgrown each other and we do not really love each other but I can’t walk away it’s like I am addicted to him. What should I do?

Confused

 

Dear confused;

Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt and this may be the case. You need to take a break from each other. Calling each other hateful names is verbal abuse. Abuse is wrong in any way, shape or form in my book. Try either dating other people or just stop seeing each other and find yourselves as single autonomous people.  As they say, if it is true love, you will find each other again but if you do not then just say good bye to a childhood dream and move on with your adult lives.  Comfort is hard to let go of.  You two might just have become too comfortable with each other and take each other for granted like an old comfortable chair. Starting a new relationship is challenging and hard work. We humans have a tendency to be lazy. Get off your buts and start working on yourselves.  Good luck.