I feel lonely

Dear globalcounselor,

I have been separated from my boyfriend for about 4 months and I still feel a hole in my heart and I get so lonesome that I sometimes want to run back to him. Then I think about how unhappy I was being with him and that does not seem appealing anymore but why can’t I be alone, why do I feel like I need someone by myself all the time. I feel so needy and although people say I am beautiful I cannot feel it. What is wrong with me?

Something’s wrong.

Dear Something’s wrong,

You need to get busy and keep yourself occupied so you do not pine away for that exboyfriend of yours. You need to spend time with yourself and get to know and love you. Unless you love and respect yourself no one else will. You need to get in touch with the Source of your being, your higher self, that part of you that is divine and embrace it.  (Some folks call it God, some higher consciousness, some Source energy – these are  semantics) You are not how you look, how much someone loves you, you are way more than that. You are a divine creative being. Think about that and find a way to see yourself as that.  What we think is what we manifest and what we attract into our lives, so be aware of your thoughts. Change your thoughts, change your life. While it is okay to want companionship at times it should not be a need. Neediness creates a clinging personality and that’s not attractive at all to anyone. Neediness makes you settle for anything that creates more pain for you, it does not fill the hole in any heart just makes the hole bigger.

My boyfriend is obsessed with my weight

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a little overweight not obesely overweight, but my boyfriend of two years keeps on  bugging me to go to the gym and tells me how better I would look with a few pounds off.  At first I went along because I didn’t want him to leave me for a hotter girl but I am feeling that my self-esteem is slipping away.  Whenever I go to the gym I feel I am letting myself down because I am doing it for him. If we are together walking down the street he always turns his head to look at thin girls and I told him he is rude and that it hurts me when he does not and all he says to be is that I can look like that if I wanted to please him. How can I get him to appreciate me as I am.

Overweight

Dear overweight,

Your boyfriend is rude indeed.  He obviously does not like you for yourself but wants a trophy girl to hang on his arm. While losing weight is a good thing you have to do it for you not for him and if he makes you feel like crap I suggest you move on and find someone who can appreciate all of you.  Forcing or trying to persuade someone to like you as you are is a lost cause.

My weight is bearing down on me

Dear globalcounselor,
I’m 15 years old.  My problem is that I feel very bad about the way I look. I feel fat and ugly.  My friends and family reassure me that I am good looking and not overweight but whenever I look in the mirror I see a lot of negative things about myself.  What can I do to change this behaviour. I am tired of feeling so down.

Dear Feeling so Down,
  There are many young girls who feel exactly the way you do. I think the media pressure to be thin has had a bad influence on women and especially young girls like yourself.
   Sometimes the feeling we have about ourselves is a symptom of some other issue we are facing. I suggest you talk to your school counsellor and perhaps you could be referred to an appropriate service. I want you to know that you are not alone. It is a societal problem and if your family and friends tell you that you’re okay perhaps you can pretend they are telling the truth and go with that.  Good luck.

 

Dear globalcounselor,
  I am 16 years old. I had a boyfriend who is three years older than I am.  He is very nice and caring but I don’t feel as if I am ready for a steady boyfriend. I want to take things easy but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  He is quite serious and very intelligent. I am so confused because I like him but I don’t want to be serious. Confused.

Dear Confused,
I think in this case honest would be the best policy. Talk to your boyfriend and express how you feel. Tell him you are not ready for any big commitment and how would he feel about giving you the time and space you need to grow up.
  At 16 it’s difficult to know what you want.  Let him decide what’s best for him. You have to be prepared that he might want to call it quits.
  I know that once you tell it like it is you will feel much better and there will be greater understanding between the two of you if he is intelligent as you say he is.
  The truth never hurts when told up front but it does hurt if you tell only when caught.

Why can’t I keep a man?

Dear globalcounselor,
I am a 35 year old divorced woman. I look very young and I am quite an attractive blond but I cannot seem to hold on to any man and I do not know why. I am giving, I am loving and I am no feminist. I like nice things and I aim to please my man. Why am I having such a hard time holding on to a man? What is the problem?
I was about to marry this fabulous guy who is rich. He took me for  weekends in Paris, Bahamas and the Caribbean. We bought a home and was about to move it when everything fell apart and I don’t know why. Am I jinxed or what.  What is wrong with me.
Broken

Dear broken:
You sound like the perfect person but no body’s perfect. Perhaps you sell yourself short by giving too much. Unfortunately, but true, things that come too easily are not valued by many people. Respect yourself a little more and do not go out of your way to please because that can backfire on you. You are seen as boring and a push over. As yourself why you try to please people – is it because you are a nice person or you just want to be loved and so you give more than you receive. Maybe you need a self-esteem makeover, eh.

Show off makes me mad and hurt

Dear globalcounselor

There is a girl in my school who is a big show off. She wears the most expensive clothes and make up and those of us who are not allowed to dress that way feel like dirt. She thinks she is better than everyone and she is not even that beautiful though she thinks she is. All the girls follow her around like a puppy dog because she buys them bones. She comes from a rich family and she uses her allowance to bribe her friends.  She goes around with a group of about five girls.  They are all tall and thin and wears cool clothes.  She makes fun of me because I wear glasses that are a bit think she says my eyes are like fish eyes because they bulge out of my face. That hurts. The stupid girls around her just laugh at me,  One of those girls used to be my best friend but she too has turned against me. I don’t care about them because they are all so shallow.  I’m going to be like Bill gates because he used to be teased and look who’s laughing now. I am sure those kids that used to laugh at him wished they didn’t because he is the richest person in the world and could put them out of a job. I’ll study hard to be rich and famous when I grow up just like Bill Gates. Do you think this is fair?

Really mad and hurt

Dear mad and hurt:

All showoffs are attention seeking persons. They do not feel they have enough going for them. They generally feel insecure and must bring themselves to the attention of people, sometimes through tacky and thoughtless ways. There is not much you can do about what others do but you can do a lot to change your feelings about it.  Instead of judging her give her your sympathy and know that she is acting from a place of low self-esteem.  You may not know what is going on in her life but it must be something not so good to make her such a person.

You need to build your internal resources. You are good enough and you are a human being like everyone else. You are worth it and you do not need fancy clothes and that kind of stuff to let your good heart shine through. Build bridges, smile at people be nice to those who are nice to you and even those who are not so nice, be nice to them. One day if not today they will thank you for it.

   You can also complain to your teacher and ask them to intervene on your behalf if the bullying becomes more serious.  Surround yourself with friends, people who really care about you.

 

Fat is an environmental problem?

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a fat, no obese 35 year old Caucasian woman who’s been married 14 years to the same man.  We have a great relationship. At some level I know he loves me and he is not unfaithful.  He is tall lean and thin. We eat the same food but he never gains an ounce.  It all comes to me. I’ve tried several dieting tricks, even tried bringing up the food but my weight remains and I feel so bad about myself. I don’t feel like a glutton. I don’t have a regular exercise regimen but I walk I am sure a minimum of 3 or 4 miles a day. My self-esteem is so low. I think my husband deserves better than me. He deserves woman by his side who he can be proud of. I feel that because of our two children he is not leaving but what happens when they grow up. My children even begs me to lose weight. They have not told me so but I feel that they are embarrassed about my weight. They do not bring their friends home. I feel ashamed of my fat self but I feel I am stuck somewhere in nowhereland and I don’t know what to do. Do you have any suggestions at all.

fatty

Dear fatty,

First of all your worth as a human being is not based on your physical appearance. It is based on who you are as an individual.  Being overweight in today’s world is troubling. Everywhere you turn there is someone or something or the media telling you to be thin. First it was to be thin because of beauty and now it’s for your good health. I’m sure you know the risk of being overweight – diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure – a host of illnesses is associated with obesity.  Let me tell you this straight up. There is no shortcut to losing weight.  Are you familiar with the 80-20 formula? Well 80 percent of weight loss is due to food restriction, dieting and 20 percent exercise.  You have to cut back on what you eat and watch the portion size. You have to eliminate unnecessary calories in chocolates, chips, french fries, cakes, pastries etc. and stick to a healthy diet of whole grains, lean protein and dark green leafy vegetables, beans etc. There is no way around this. You can opt to vomit, crash diet on lemon water etc. but all that would do is to delay the inevitable – the return of the fat.  If I am going to recommend any diet at all to jump start your weight loss that would be Weight Watchers. That’s an organization with a history and credibility. They do help you lose the weight if you stick to their plan which is quite flexible.

   Having said that, beauty starts from the inside. If you are overweight and you feel good about yourself that will show and people will see it too. If you feel crappy, unattractive that’s how you will act and people will reflect that to you.

  While I urge you to lose some of the weight do not wait until you reach your desired goal to start feeling good about yourself. Just look inthe mirror each day and say, “I’m beautiful and weight, you are on your way out“.

Words to live by – by Maya Angelou Poet Laureat

Don’t break the elastic!
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. ?Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was “exciting.” Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day…like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!
 
 Maya Angelou said this:
“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”

 “I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”
 
“I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.”
“I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as “making a life.”
“I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.” 

“I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.”
 
“I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.”

 “I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.”

“I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.”
 
“I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.”
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
 

Christmas Blues

Dear globalcounselor,

It’s almost Christmas and the dread is overtaking me. The dread of our once or twice a year family dinners. Everybody is expected to attend.  It’s nice to be with my folks and to see my nieces and nephews but my siblings are boring. All they could talk about is their acquisitions, be it new home, new car, new this or that and all their accomplishments. My parents, like any parents bask in their accomplishment.  I usually do not have much to contribute to these discussions except talking about my ex-husband and whether the child support payments he owes me will ever be paids. I had a nervous breakdown after my separation four years ago and since then I have not been able to hold on to any job for any amount of time. My siblings think that I am just plain lazy and don’t want to work. I am wallowing in self-pity and I have to pull up my bootstraps.  They make sure they give me practical gifts and money because I am always short. I feel awful for myself and my children because they feel kindda bad too because they are not involved in the extra curricular activities like my nephews and nieces. They have to work to help make ends meet in our home. I  am thinking of increasing my medication just to prepare for Christmas. I feel like such a failure to myself and my children especially.

When we are not with my siblings we have a great time together. There is a lot of love and care among us by ourselves but I can’t keep them away from their family. I like the fact of having a large extended family.  I have two sisters and a brother.  They have four children each. But God oh God, sometimes I can’t stand them. They make me feel bluesy.

Bluesy

Dear Bluesy:

Families are good but sometimes they can be a pain in the neck. It is true holiday times bring out the best and the worst in them.  It is a time of sharing and celebrating. It is obviously hard on you and I wonder why are you choosing to go to these events that leave you feeling so badly. Sometimes we have to grow up and leave toxic situation.  Perhaps you can form your own family of close friends and people who support and appreciate where you are at and who make you feel good about yourself. Perhaps if you take a stand your family will sit down and listen to how to feel and be a little more considerate.  If you can swing it try doing something different this year with just you and your children and see what happens.  Good luck. Families are something we can’t live with or without.