I am feeling the blah

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 63 years old and I feel  like I have lost my mojo. I am not interested in any thing. I am single, not in great shape and have a good job. I have lots of friends but someone I feel joyless. I do not know what I am supposed to do. I feel kind of loss and tired of working but I need to work for a few more years to bring my pension up to snuff. I don’t feel as if I am depressed just lethargic, uninterested in life and don’t know what to do about it. Any ideas?

joyless

Dear Joyless

Sounds like you’re in deep funk. Could it be a low-down after a hectic holiday, could it be you have over-extended yourself financially. It is not unusual for folks to have that let down sort of feeling. I believe this will pass after a few weeks into January. It might be helpful to do something different and fun. Start a new hobby, take a recreational course , try to meet some new friends and see what happens.  Maybe it’s time to find a significant other in your life. That could spice things up a bit. If the feelings persists for weeks without letting up you might want to talk to a counsellor to sort out your feelings.

Heavy hearted Christmas

Dear Globalcounselor,

It’s Christmas and my tears can’t stop flowing. I remember by son Daniel who was killed a few years ago by a drunk driver. I feel cheated out of my beautiful child by a mindless, selfish person.  When will I be able to remember my son without feeling this anger and hurt all at the same time.  I don’t think I will ever be happy again. My life is ruined and what more that drunk driver must be sitting at home and enjoying his Christmas with his family and friends. It is not fair. How can I move this load off my heart.

So sad

Dear So Sad,

Merry Christmas. It is time for you to unload your heart and stop remembering the day you lost your son and try remembering all the happy times you shared together, how many years were that? Two, three, ten, 20 years? Be grateful for the time you had and celebrate his life instead of his death.  That drunk driver might be sitting at his Christmas table today in body but I am sure he is thinking about that life he took. Perhaps if you know that person call him and  tell him you forgive him and that you want him or her to be happy. It’s the only way you will find happiness. You have to want the same for that person as you want for yourself. Unless you can do that you cannot find peace. Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet shed on the heels that had just crushed it. Be open to forgiving the person who have harmed you. You are doing this for them but for you, your peace of mind. You can do it. You’ve carried the burden long enough, today is the day to let it go.

Have a peaceful and joyful holiday. Think about your son, the memories you made together and thank the Creator for the time you had together.

I feel like a stranger in my home

Dear globalcounselor,

I recently came up from the Caribbean with my wife and four children. Before we came, we were a loving, open family where I felt I had place in the home.  Both my wife and I worked and we tried to give our children the best education money could buy. Since we came, thanks to the generosity of my sister who has been living over here for a number of years, things have changed. My wife’s attitude has changed so much I feel I do not know this woman. Money seems to be more important than anything else.  We both have menial jobs trying to make ends meet. Her money is hers and mine is ours. I am expected to pay the bills and when I ask her what she is doing with her money, she tells me it is none of my business. Two weeks ago, my daughter went to a party with people I did not know and came home the following morning as I was leaving for work. I asked her where she was coming from and she said from a sleep over with friends. I was upset and I asked my wife if she knew about that and she said yes and I wanted to know why no one told me, she told me this is the US not back home, children have rights.  I said to myself oh my God, did I make a mistake in bringing my family to the US? My wife is always trying to undermine me with my children.  I am thinking of divorce. I am feeling very discouraged. She has moved out from our bed room and sleeping with our children.

Ready to divorce

Dear Ready to Divorce,

Your marriage is in deep trouble. The problem is communication.  It seems like you and your wife have a block in communication. If this is not corrected, the marriage is headed to divorce. The stresses of integration  into a new country might be impacting on your marriage but this is the time to stick together because together you stand a better chance of a successful life. Encourage your wife to return to your bedroom even if you have to do it with flowers.  However if there is no love or mistrust  between you two then it makes no sense. If there is love I would urge you to try to work it out through some kind of  free community couple counselling. There is still hope. Talk to each other, break the barrier, get your egos out of the way and if that does not work then it will be the divorce lawyer you’ll be talking with. Sometimes couples stop speaking to each other for reasons that are not obvious, perhaps it is because there is less money to work with, adjusting to a new life, feeling out of control or that one is not being up front with the other.  Not telling you that your child will be having a sleep over could be a passive aggressive action. There is hurt or something that triggers this negative behaviour especially if it something new for her.

Feels like crying all the time

Dear globalcounselor,

Two years ago my boyfriend left me for a more attractive younger woman two years ago and until now I cannot get my mojo back. I go to work come home sleep and cry, phone his number to listen to his voice on the answer machine.  I am sick of myself but I can’t forget the jerk. I keep on lovin in spite of all the stuff he put me through. He broke up with me on my birthday.  I can never forgive him for that but why can’t I ever hate this person who has hurt me so much, what’s wrong with me. My friends say I need to see a shrink or something.  I’m crying now as I write this letter.  How can I forget and regain my self and happiness. I”m tired of being drained by sadness.

Drained

Dear drained:

You sound as if you’re in deep mess. Two years are a little long to still be crying and I’m inclined to join the chorus of your friends and suggest that you talk to a counselor. There might be more to your sadness that the jerk you think you’re crying for and unless that comes to the surface you will continue to be troubled.  This sounds like somone who do not deserve this much of your time. Sometimes you just have to make a decision to stop crying and start living but there are times this is impossible because of underlying medical issues so I would urge you to see out professional help and you will take the first step to feeling better. 

My guilt is killing me slowly

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 58-year-old divorced woman.  I have four children whom I love very much.  My marriage was arranged and was a challenge from day one. I could not walk away because of our East Indian custom. In my community divorce is frowned upon. While a man receives support from the community, women are shunned the most by other women who become like rabid animals.  They give you dirty looks, you stop getting invited to their homes, you are isolate and you begin to withdraw.  My husband was abusive and an alcoholic.  I was so unhappy and I had nowhere to run. My immediate family are all living in the USA and England. I was isolated. I stayed in the marriage until I could not take it anymore.l I asked my husband to leave and he left without giving any support to our children,  I worked two jobs to support my children.    They were left on their own many times.  Unfortunately, my children’s fate seems to follow into my pattern.  My eldest daughter’s marriage ended because of emotional abuse.  My second son’s relationship ended after 4 years and he is left hurt and feeling all alone. My younger daughter is in a faltering relationship and my youngest son, he is the only happy camper in my family.

Globalcounselor, I am feeling like a total failure, I am riddled with guilt and I am at my wit’s end. My job is adding to my already overstressed life.  Some days I feel my head would explode because I have a demanding, overpowering boss.   My question is how can I get rid of feeling so guilty about ruining my children’s lives because of my actions.

guilt-ridden

Dear guiltridden,

Your load is heavy.  You’ve carried it for 25 years.  It’s time to put it down. Put it down today, this minute.  It does not belong to you. You did what you needed to do to survive and that is the cardinal rule.  When you’re in an aeroplane, the hostess will tell you when there is  an emergency landing or cabin pressure drop, place the mask over your nose first before trying to help anyone else. You had a right to take care of yourself and you did that by leaving your husband to save yourself and your children. Who ever told you that you have to stay in a loveless, abusive relationship is wrong. For better or for worse, in sickness or in health, till death do us part, says nothing that you have to stay in an abusive situation. For better or for worse means that if your partner loses his job,  it would be against your vows to leave him.  Together you have to find solutions to keep your family going. Guilt is a stubborn emotion that makes no sense a lot of time yet we feel it deeply. We feel guilt when we feel we have done something terribly wrong and the guilt that tears us up inside is like punishing ourselves for that wrong.  Societies and close-knit communities regularly use guilt and shame to control their members behaviour.  They use guilt to make you feel worthless and a bad person.  It is when you internalized their judgement of you take their side against you and you like them begin to hate yourself.  Do you see where this is going – self-hatred.  If you hate yourself, how can you love your children.  If hatred is what’s inside of you, it is that which will come out.  If you want to live your life fully, you have to find a way to forgive yourself, to embrace yourself love you and all your imperfections.  When you inside that is what will come out and people will be attracted to you. Your perspective will change and you will slowly emerge from the fog of 25 years to reclaim your life from your husband and your community.   Release guilt, forgive yourself, that means give up judging yourself harshly for doing the right thing when you did it.

Life gives us lessons so that we learn and grow; accept them graciously.

I feel sad all of the time

Dear globalcounselor,

I know you can’t help me but I am going to tell you my story anyway.  I am a 15 year old girl. I live with my mom. My dad left when we were little. I have 10 year old brother. It was not my mom’s fault but sometimes I still blame her in my heart.  My dad used to slap her around and one time she called the police on him and he said that was it, any woman who going get the police involved in our private family matter is no woman for him.  When he left he told me that I could blame my mom for what happens.

My mom is good. She works two jobs but still we are poor. I feel sad for her, sad for myself and my brother.  Sometimes I start crying for no reason at all.  I am s ad because we are poor and I can’t get the things I want. I feel bad when I tell my friends they can’t come over to my house. I lie because I don’t want them to know how poor we are. I feel like a liar and a loser.  How can I feel better, what can I do?

Loser

Dear loser,

First of all being poor is no reason to be ashame. There are lots of people in the world who are poor.  Not because you are poor you cannot have a nice home.  It is love that makes the home nice, okay. All you have to do is to help your mother keep in clean and from what you are telling me she is working herself to the bones for you children. Show some respect and sympathy for your mom.

   Secondly, at your age, I understand how these things affect you but I will give you this piece of advice. Find a place you can volunteer, maybe a drop in centre for youths, a shelter for the homeless, or help new comers and refugees in the area.  Doing something for others might make you feel better about yourself and appreciate all that you have.

    If you still feel sad and cries all the time, I think you should talk to your mother or your school counselor because there may be more to it that meets the eye.   You have a right and a responsibility to be happy my child.

     Remember it’s no one making you unhappy but you. It is your thoughts that is making you unhappy. Flip the coin and change your thoughts, look for the bright side of your situation. Your mom is safe, she is no longer being abused and you are safe. You have a home and clothes and food and you go to school. You have a lot to the thankful for.