Feeling used

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 64 year old Black woman in the entertainment industry. I was married to a white man for 35 years. I believe we had a good marriage and were happy but two years ago he said he was not happy and wanted out of the marriage. I was shocked.  He said there was no one but that he just wanted to be free to try something. I was hurt but what could I do. We became separated and we divvyed up our resources. I did all this unwillingly because I could not believe that my husband wanted out. Shortly after we separated he started going out with a white woman. I was even more hurt, I felt he was tired of the Black woman. They went out for about four months and he was single again. After that he used to visit me. He kept assuring me that he is committed to me but not as a husband anymore. He would come and we would eat together and this went on for about a year and a half. My children were upset with me and felt I was allowing myself to be used by their father. They were very angry at him for leaving me. My daughter did not want to come around anymore because she said she was embarrassed for me.  I thought about it and I have decided that it is better I lose my ex’s fair weather friendship that my children’s respect.  I told him that this had to end and that I cannot go on like this anymore and that the children were not happy. He said that was one of the problems with the marriage, he said that I always listened to my children and put him second every time.  It’s not true but he cannot have his cake and eat it too.  Do you think I made the right decision?

I’m through

Dear I’m through:

If you made the decision to please your children it may be the wrong decision. From what I gather they are grown up and out of the house. It is none of their business how you run your life and it’s not like it’s a strange man – it’s their father. You would think they would want you to get back together.

If you felt like you were getting a raw deal and friendship with an ex you obviously still care about would not work for you, then you made the right decision to end any false hope you might be encouraging.

Lifelong marriage is not for everyone. Some people feel restless when life is winding down for them and they feel they have so much more to experience  and may see having a commitment to a wife as not part of their new freedom plan. You have to understand that  your husband’s behaviour may not be about you but it’s about where your ex is at and what he sees as priority in his mid twilight years. I suggest you get out there and start experiencing life in a new way. It can be exciting, just give yourself chance.

Blast from the past

Dear globalcounselor,

Recently I bumped into an old flame I dated way back in high school. I am now in my mid-forties.  I’m talking a few years here. But it so happens we are both single again. Both of us have been married to other people and have four children between us.  We exchanged phone numbers and have been talking a lot lately.  I find that I am drawn to this man again. I am not sure if it is love or just loneliness. I’ve been separated for about 6 years and I’m now ready to date again. I don’t want to make a mistake and I don’t want to give my old boyfriend any ideas. I like the fact that we talk on the phone and I look forward to his phone calls. Any advice on how to proceed here?

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

There is always something comforting about familiarity. Loneliness on the other hand can wreak havoc on our lives and lead us to make unwise decisions.

  I am sure both you and your old flame are quite different people now.  Your life experiences would have changed you for good or bad.  I think the best way to see if this connection is anything other than simple friendship is to be open and honest about the way things are.  There is no harm in a few dates and spending time together with an open mind.  If there is something real and you both think it is worth a shot, why not?  But whatever you do create a love relationship to fill the void  of your loneliness.   There is a good chances that will not sustain the relationship. You mayl end up spoiling a good friendship.  Having a good friend can be quite satisfying.  Make sure you start a love relationship for the right reason.

Dear globalcounselor

My 18 year old daughter brought home a black boyfriend and while I can see my way to open my heart to his difference my husband is totally against it.  I love my daughter and I want her to be happy but what do I do?  I am caught in the middle.

I am not prejudice but we were raised in a certain way. There are no mixtures in our family and frankly, I am embarrased about this situation. What would my neighbours think?

Please give me your suggestion

Not racist

Dear Not racist,

It is difficult embracing difference but it is not your difference, it is your daughter’s choice.  Believe me when you get those cute biracial grandchildren you will forget that they are bi-racial.  All you would see is your grandchildren.

You can get your husband to understand that times have changed and if he does not want to lose his daughter he would respect her choice. Perhaps they may not even end up getting married but if you should show opposition to her choice she may be drawn closer to this man.  Try to look beyond his colour and race, is he a good person, is he capable of taking care of your daughter, does he show her respect. As Martin Luther King said, judge this man not by the colour of his skin but by the content of his character.  You may be surprised to discover what a gem this man is and how lucky your daughter is to have found him or if he is a no-good loser type, then do your darnest to end the relationship.  We are all God’s children man, let’s get along.

Dear global counselor

I am having a hard time feeling good about myself today. My mom just keeps putting me down all the time and sometimes I just feel like leaving home and living on my own but I have no place to go but on the streets and I am terrified of the streets. I don’t know what to do to get along with my mom. I sometimes think that she feels I have no right to happiness. Whenever I am having fun she tries to bring me down with negativity.  I am a 16 year old Black girl.

Tired

Dear Tired,

Parents, though sometimes well meaning can do more to hurt than help their children’s self-esteem.  Some of us have never outgrown the mindset of a slave. Sometimes parents try to clip our wings because they don’t want us to fly too high and get shot down by racist. They try to keep us safe by keeping us down to earth.

I suggest you sit your mother down and tell her how it makes you feel when she does and say the things that are hurtful.  Let her know times have changed and you deserve to be happy and to achieve as much as you want. Ask her to give you a chance. Tell her that her encouragement and support mean a lot to you and finally tell her how much you love her. Maybe you are both locked into different sides of the same room.  Don’t leave home, work it out my child, talk it out, cry it out, get your aunt, a friend or someone you trust to intervene.  The relationship between a mother and her daughter runs deep and if there is problem neither of you can be truly happy with your lives until it is fixed somehow.