My son is acting weird

Dear Globalcounselor,

I am a single African-American mother of a 15-year-old boy. He is a sweet child. He is extremely smart and I have trained him to think that there is no one better than him. I have always praised him to boost his self-esteem and always tried to be a step ahead of his class. I constantly nourish his mind and spirit by buying interesting books and toys to stimulate him.  Recently my son’s behavior has become erratic. He has frequent temper tantrums and the last time he was verbally abusive to me, calling me bitch and to get out. I am really concerned. The first thing that came to mind was drugs.  Is my son doing drugs? I could not stand it, not after all I have tried to give him to make him do the right thing.   He is always penitent  afterwards when he sees how sad I am. He promises never to do it. He says things like he would rather kill himself than hurt me because he loves me so much. I believe him. He is a good boy, so what is the problem? I have tumbled the place up looking for drugs but I haven’t found a trace of anything. I have gone through every note, writing scrap paper and I have found nothing to suggest anything.  Any advice for me?

Sad

 

Dear Sad,

Think about what may have triggered this behavior, when did it present itself. Has he hinted at anything different going on at school?  Think about the foods he eats. Have you introduced anything different? Sometimes allergic reaction to food can have this kind of reaction.  My advice to you is to take him to the doctor and if it is necessary he may be referred to a psychologist. I don’t want to scare you but it could also be the onset of a mental issue.  I know this may hit you hard but there is so much out there to help people with all kinds of mental issue you need not be afraid but I think it is important to rule this out. Also, talk to his teachers at school to see if his behavior had changed, talk to his friends – do your research before going to the doctor.

 

Can’t get out from under his feet

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 35 years old and it’s hard to write it but I am obese but well proportioned. I consider myself reasonably good looking given my size and all. I feel fortunate to have a nice boyfriend, who is very handsome, suave and keeps himself in good shape.  We’ve been together for about 2 years. He has his own apartment and I have my own apartment, but we see each other regularly. Ever since I started going out with this guy, I felt insecure about our relationship. I wanted to know what he saw in me. I am polar opposite to him. I am bright, I am intelligent and I own my own successful business. In my work life I am confident as they come but in my love life well…  He is a blue collar worker and does not make as much as I do financially and whenever we go out we split the bill except if he or I am treating. I buy him lots of neat (expensive) presents and I feed him well with steaks and chicken breasts. Our love life is excellent. So what is my problem? Well, he keeps nagging me to lose the weight and sometimes says some hurtful things. Lately we’ve been quarrelling over the silliest things and I end up crying and asking for forgiveness. Then I feel he would patronise me saying something “you can’t help it.”  The most hurtful  thing he has done was refusing to take me out to an event with his friends because he said all their girlfriends are “skinny bitches” and they’d make fun of me behind my back. He went alone and I cried the whole night.  I’ve tried to lose weight but it’s difficult and takes time. If he really loved me I feel he would have been patient and more understanding. My size would not matter. He treats me shabbily. Sometimes when we look at TV together he would say, “doesn’t looking at those hot girls make you sick?”.  I feel like a dog for still putting up with him but I feel I may not get someone like him again and I do not want to be alone without a boyfriend.  How can I make this work globalcounselor?

Doormat

Dear Doormat:

What do people do with doormats my friend?  They want on  them and wipe their feet on them. That’s what your boyfriend appears to be doing to you.  This cannot work, you have to stand up for yourself and demand respect.  Your boyfriend obviously do not care about you and may be just using you. He knows you have low self-esteem and is playing to that to keep you subjugated to him. If he worried about your weight because he was afraid of losing you to illness that may have been something to think about but he is only interested in you being “hot”.  This guy needs to be thrown on the curb. You have many good qualities and the right guy will come along who will cherish and appreciate all of you. Do not sell yourself short. When you feel good about yourself that becomes part of your beauty and you reflect that and people become attracted to it.  You do not have to apologise for being overweight or feel worthless because of it. What your boyfriend is doing to you is abuse, emotional abuse. Abuse of any kind is wrong. Yes, it is good to maintain a healthy weight but you have to do that for you, not to be loved.

Jock with insecurities

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 25 year old white male university graduate. I am proud of my achievement in spite of my dysfunctional upbringing. For most of my years growing up my dad was in jail.  We were poor and I was teased a lot. I had a lot of anxieties growing up and had very poor self-image. I was a little overweight and that made me more of a joke butt. I am now quite a jock. I am in the best shape ever and girls gravitate towards me but I still feel inadequate. I can’t explain it but I feel as if I am living someone’s  life because I don’t deserve what I have.  My mother is proud of me and I am trying to live a good life because of her. I’ve messed up and got involved in beating up a girl which I have never done again and now I am charged with assault and my life is ruined. I feel really bad.  My need to be liked and be popular make me do some foolish things. I hate myself for this need for approval, this need to be liked.

Help me

Dear helpme:

You need some good old fashioned counselling. You are dealing with a lot of baggage and still trying to justify your existence. Growing up with a father in jail could not do much for a child’ self-esteem or security. You need to learn that what your father did is his burden that you can define your own life. You need to learn how to build your own self-esteem based on your own values and who you are at this point in your life. If you keep up trying to prove your worth to others you may end up in trouble. You cannot please everyone, no one can. Get ued to that by pleasing yourself.  Like the old saying goes you can please some people all of the time but you cannot please all of the people all of the time. Please find a good counsellor or psychologist and get some real help. You can make it inspite of the assault charges. You can turn your life around. That may have been a great wake-up call for you.