Fat and ugly

Dear Globalcounselor,

I am a 16-year-old high school girl and I feel fat and ugly. All my friends are slim and I am always the biggest in the group and I have tried all kinds of diets and yet I can’t lose weight. I feel very sad and alone most of the time because even though I am with  my friends I still can’t stop thinking of my weight and how ugly I feel.  My mom and dad keep telling me that I am beautiful and that I must learn to accept myself and I want to but how do I do that, can you help me please. I am tired of feeling so bad about myself.

fat and ugly,

Dear Fat and Ugly,

First of all  your mom and dad are right. You have to accept yourself the way you are. You have to change the way you think about yourself, instead of  seeing yourself  as fat and ugly, how about  fat and beautiful. When you change the way you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.  Think about this and practice this:  every time you think of yourself as ugly, imagine that you are beautiful until you believe it. I am sure you are a beautiful person but caught up like the rest of the world with the media idea of that cookie-cutter beauty. The world is full of all kinds of people, with different sizes, shapes complexions etc. Accept that. Believe it. Now,  if you feel you are overweight, then reduce the amount of food you eat, if you are eating a lot of sweets cut back on those unhealthy foods, eat whole foods, (fruits, vegetables, grains etc) walk or bike a few times a week or participate in school sports.  Just don’t expect to lose weight overnight, be patient with yourself and once a day or so tell your self “even though I have to lose 10 pounds I still love and respect myself” Say it until you mean it.   Eighty percent of your problems is the way you think about yourself, think yourself beautiful, think that you are committed to losing the weight you want to and accept that we are not all the same, we are unique and have unique body shape and sizes. Try to adopt a lifestyle that is longterm and not just to lose weight but to be a healthier person. I know what I am saying may not be what you want to hear but if you follow this advice you would be on your way to being a healthier and happier person. If this does not do it, speak to your school counsellor or get your folks to hook you up with a dietian to provide you with some nutritional counselling. We are what we think.

 

I am ashamed of my job

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 45 years old. I work in home care in Canada. Back in my country of origin I was an office manager in an international firm. I am also very active in my cultural community and this puts me in contact with many important people like MLA’s, MPs,City Councillors,  Bank Managers etc. Each time I meet these people I fear the dreaded question of what do you do for a living. I try to sugar coat my answer sometimes by saying I am in the nursing industry and soon the questions become more focussed and more direct and I find myself telling one lie to cover up another lie. How can I feel good about what I do. I know it is important work but why I feel so inadequate.

Inadequate

Dear Inadequate,

You’re have a sorry case of  an infection of  virus of the mind. A virus of the mind is when one mind is infected with thoughts from another mind. This virus is transmitted from our parents, our teachers, our culture and our friends. You have been led to believe that you are what you do, you are what you have, you are your reputation that you are all these external things which has nothing to do with who you are. You allowed those thoughts to infect your mind and now you must get rid of the virus. You have to change the way you think.  Change your thought, change your life.  You are not your education, you are a divine being. Your knowledge from your lived experience is just as valuable as another person’s book knowledge.  All work is honourable. The highest work in the world is one of service to others. In my mind, what you do ranks just up there. If you do not give value and be proud of what you do, people will pick up on that and reflect that back to you. Speak about your work with passion, enthusiasm and as the love of your life and watch people’s reaction. See if they would not look at you in a different light. You are good enough my friend.

I am sick of the girls in my school

Dear globalcounselor,

I think my best friend at school is a prostitute and I don’t know what to do about it.  We are both 15 years old and very insecure about our sexuality.  My girlfriend is acting weird and allows boys to slap her bum, feel her breasts and all she does is giggle. I told her that’s sick and she should not let them disrespect her like that. My girlfriend said she like the attention she is getting from the boys because it makes her feel hot and high up on the social ladder. I couldn’t believe what she was saying,.  As we were talking one day a guy passed by us and called out to her ‘”hey whore who’s the bitch?”I told him I hope he was not referring to me because I would take him up to the Principal.  He went away saying “whatever”.  My friend was mad with me for reacting that way.  She said I was too uptight that I should relax and have fun. I told her I did not think that was fun and that I don’t think I want to hang out with her and her friends anymore.  I have not spoken to her in weeks and the funny thing is I don’t miss her but I know she’s hurting and  I feel sorry for her. Those boys just taking advantage of her weakness and need to be popular.  There is a little part of me that feels guilty.  I am fighting that because I don’t want to be disrespected by those loser guys she hangs out with.

Little guilt

 Dear little guilty,

You have done the right thing to protect yourself. You cannot help your friend, all you can do is to be there if she needs you to listen. She is going through the “complicated teen-age syndrome” which is like prostituting her body for  the attention of boys. Her desire to be popular is greater than her self-esteem and because her sense of self is none-existent, I think  she will do whatever it takes to be noticed by the boys and in the process lose her soul until she hits rock bottom when she will be forced to look at herself and see the mess she has made of it.

Unfortunately, your friend is among many young women who as the cliché says “have gone totally wild.”   These girls behave like animals and have no shame in the way they pander to men to have sex with them.  It’s totally disgusting. I am happy that some girls have their heads on and in control of themselves and feel that they deserve respect rather than be treated as a sexual doormat which is the way some boys treat women and girls these days. The standard needs to be raised and girls need to stand up and say enough is enough. Boys will take whatever latitude girls give them. You will find if you respect yourself they will show you respect.  Good on you, you go girl. Stick to your values principles and respect yourself.

I hate myself

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 15 years old and weighs about 200 pounds. I hate myself. I wish I could be thin but I cannot stop eating the things that make me fat. My mom is on my case all the time. I think she is ashamed of me too because she is so nice and thin and here is her daughter like a fat pig.  I have gone on a few diets but I can resist junk food. I love to eat donuts, I love to eat french friends and chips and sweet things. I know these things are not good for me but I don’t know how to stop.  I do not have a lot of friends.  I have a few good friends but sometimes when they are mad they call other people fat pig in front of me forgetting that hey, you have a fat friend too. My self-esteem is at its lowest. I want to lose weight and be like a normal teenager and have normal dates and feel good about myself because I have a lot going for me, I am smart, I am funny and I have a good heart.

Fatpig,

Dear Goodheart,

Calling yourself names like fatpig will not help your self-esteem. Regardless of your weight you sound like a great person. Losing weight should be a priority for you because it will save your life. I am not a dietitian but what people always tell you is to start keeping a diary of what goes into your mouth and what’s going on for you at the time you are eating.  You might be an emotional eater.  My advice is to simply cut out the junk food, get help if you need from your school dietitian if you have one, or have your school counselor refer you to one, engage is some form of exercise that you like – walking, skipping, basketball, yard work whatever’s your fancy, and eat three square meals a day.  You will see a difference. There is no magic wand anyone can wave over you to lose weight.  It’s simple maths, you have to use more calories than you ingest.

You can do this by exercising more or cutting down on your caloric intake. I find that once I have to start writing down what I eat, I eat less because I am lazy to write and that helps me to keep my weight in check.

And no matter how you look, love yourself, be your own best friend. If you do not love yourself, do not expect others to love you either. When you love yourself, it shows and others take the cue from you. Our worth does not come in weight, it comes from what’s inside.

Good luck.

How can I divorce my parents

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 18 years old and I live in the most dysfunctional family ever and I want out. My mom is a prostitute and my dad is a pimp. They both drink a lot but I do not think they do drugs.  They provide a reasonable living. We have a home, an old car and we get to go to school but I am so ashamed on my folks that I never invite anyone to my home. I keep to myself all the time.  I am quiet in school and play dumb because I do not want the question about my folks to come up and don’t know what to say.  My grandma lives in another state and she does not speak to my mom and dad because she says they live the devil’s life.  She wanted me and my brother who is 16 to live with her but my parents refused.  They don’t see that their lifestyle is a problem, they argue that it puts food on the table and a roof over our heads and that we should be grateful.  I am depressed and sad a lot of times. Sometimes I worry for my mom and afraid that maybe one day she will not come home. I cry a lot. I can’t take this any more. I love my folks because they’re my folks but I do not want anything to do with them anymore.  I thank them for protecting us from abuse and tried in their own way to show us the right way to live in spite of what they do with their own lives. They don’t understand that what they do impact on us, their children. I feel so bad about my life. I want to live my life without them. How can I divorce them and just go on with my life.

Want-out

Dear wantout,

I have to agree with you, you live in a strange world.  You can divorce your parents legally but how do you divorce them from your heart. You’re 18 years old and old enough to live on your own.  You can move in with your grandmother until you save enough money to branch out on your own. It’s difficult  world out there without education and money but if you have the determination to work hard for what you want you can do it. To divorce your parents pyschologically would take months of counselling because it is not as easy as signing a piece of paper.  The bonds between parents and child go deep my child. Why not take the first step, get your own place or move in with your grandmother and give yourself time to reflect and think things over. Talk it out with your grandmother and supportive friends. Find a support group in your area and talk about your feelings. That will help.  Also do not forget to pray and ask for guidance.  Good luck.