Crazy insecure

Dear globalcounselor,

I have been married for five years and have dated my husband for another five years  before that and everything was fine until we got married. I became a stay at home mom at my husband’s request because we had two children in two years. They are three years and two years old.  I gave up my position as an Administrative Assistant. I am at home most of the time but have programs that I take  my children to so that I could interact with adults. My husband is very loving and caring. When he comes home from his law practice even though he is tired he helps out around the house. Everything is fine if he is home on time but if he is a little late I am filled with suspicions. I suspect him of having a girlfriend, perhaps taking a beautiful client to dinner or something and when he gets home I would fish for information ad nauseum. Then when I push too hard he’d say   “Are you alright?”and then I’d feel as if I am losing my mind. At some level I know I have nothing to worry about but this irrational fear takes over me and makes me so crazy. How can I tame my suspicions and be happy.

Crazy

Dear Crazy,

The mind can work wonders. All these stuff that’s going on in your head are just that, imagined realities.  I don’t know how to help you to get that out of your head. You have to outgrow these suspicions.  You have to become tired of making yourself sick.  I can offer you what I heard Wayne Dyer said in a talk about Excuses be Gone. It has worked for me when I faced certain challenges –  ask yourself is it true? Can you be 100% certain that what you are thinking is true?  If you cannot be 100% certain that it is true or not true then you clearly have an option to believe one or the other.  Choose the answer that would take you to a better place, a place of hope and happiness.  You can choose to believe it is not true and live with that. The mind has a way of going  to the worst case scenario and it is up to us or to you to control the thoughts that you act upon. I would also like to offer the suggestion to hire a babysitter or ask a friend to babysit and go out with your husband on a date. Do this at least twice a month. Enjoy yourself, refill your tank so that you have something more to offer your children. Being at home can be a lonesome thing and you may need intellectual stimulation.  You’re fine. Your husband appears to have his heart in the right place. However if you continue in this fashion, you might push him where you do not want him to go.   Good luck.

Jealous Lover

Dear Globalcounselor,

I am sick and tired of feeling this jealous rage whenever I see my girlfriend talking to another man even if as she tells me they are only friends or colleagues, I feel as if that other man is seeing her the way I see her as beautiful, desirable and attractive. I am in a constant state of insecurity waiting for her to say that it is over.  Because of my fear I keep tab on her movements calling her on the cell phone at home and at work, always interrogating her about her day, what she’s done whom she saw in a matter of fact way, pretending that I care about her day when all I care  about is to see if she spoke or saw a man.  My girlfriend has confronted me many times accusing me of not trusting her and what’s the point of the relationship. I tell her I trust her completely and that I am insanely in love with her. I buy her lots of cool gifts which she appreciates. I do things other men do not do all in the hope that she would not find anyone quite like me. This is exhausting and I am tired but can’t help myself. What can I do to trust my girlfriend, I do love her and hope one day we can be married. We have been dating for about three years.

Sicko

Dear Sicko,

You do  appear to have a problem. You have a  serious problem of insecurity and you have to get to the bottom of why you have such a fear of losing something you can never own. Did you lose someone in your childhood e.g. your mother or father, are your parents separated. Sometimes anxieties from our childhood show up in our adult lives and  unless we examine these issues they’d continue to haunt us and wreck our lives. I would suggest you seek some professional counselling to help you unpack some of these behaviours or you risk losing the woman you love and losing yourself in the process. You cannot watch your girlfriend 24-7, you will drive yourself crazy. Find peace and happiness by getting the help you need. Good luck.

I feel I have to choose between my son and my new husband

Dear globalcounselor,

I recently got married to my boyfriend of 4 years.  We dated for a long time at my doing. If he had his way we would have been married after six months but he stuck with me and we were almost living as if we were married though not living together permanently until after the marriage took place about six months ago.  The main reason I delayed the marriage was for my son who is now 14 to get comfortable with my boyfriend and my boyfriend with my son as well. I am a sucker mom.  I spoil my son a lot. I love him more than anything else.  He is a good boy.  Although I know I spoil him rotten, he is not rotten. He is respectful, thoughtful and likes to spend a lot of time playing video games.  My husband and I separated when he was 4 so it was my son and me for about 10 years.  My son has a relationship with his father.  Every second weekend he spends with his dad and it was during those weekends my boyfriend would sleep over.  Before we were married my boyfriend was good to my son.   He took time to talk about video games which is my son’s passion. However, since the marriage my husband seems to be finding all kinds of faults about my son. He criticises him for being so much in the house playing video games.  One day he asked my son if he was gay and why he does not have a girlfriend. I thought that was out of line and we had our first big fight.  My son was hurt and I was hurt for him. I asked my husband to apologize to my son and he said no way he would do that.  He said I should thank him for trying to toughen up the boy. He said my son is a big baby a mama’s boy.  He said it in a mean-spirited manner.   I cried a lot wondering if I made a mistake, did I betray my son by bringing this man into our lives.  What should I do?  Is this a sign that I missed somehow?

Confused

Dear Confused:
Sounds like your husband hid his dislike for your son’s passion for video games or for your son for that matter until he had you where he wanted. I think he was out of line asking your son if he is gay just because he does not have an interest in girls – at 14? Come on.  Maybe he is jealous of your relationship with your son. He wants to control your heart. This guy is an abuser.  I would definitely see this as a dangerous sign of impropriety, insensitivity and disrespect both for you and your son.  He knows how much your son means to you and he wants to discredit him to you to hurt you and for you to start feeling as if you have done something wrong. Abuse starts small then builds up to such an extent until you begin to question what is real and what is not real. Get this guy out of your life as soon as you can.  Don’t let him nest too long or you will regret it. There comes a point when you will not be able to do a darn thing.  He may do all he can to push your son out of the house – perhaps to go to his father – so that it can be just you and him.  That way he will have more control over you. Get him out now.

Need to be married

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 45 years old and I have never been married.  I have been living with a man for the last 7 years and each anniversary of our relationship for the last three years, I have asked him to marry me.  He has resisted saying it was not necessary that everything is fine between us, we love each other and that’s the most important thing. While I agree, I still feel a little insecure. He could ups and leave me any day and with not much consequence.  I can’t get over the need to be married, to feel like I am someone’s wife.  I am tired of referring to him as my boyfriend. I want to introduce him as ”my husband.”

     We live in my home.  His home went to his previous wife and children. I have no children and I am thinking of the future.  His wife is not remarried. She is dedicating all her time to raising their three children. Every now and then he would say she is a great mother, how much he appreciates her for the time she is giving to their children. I feel insecure or jealous when he says things like that.  What’s going on with me? Am I being too sensitive, too old-fashioned or what?

 Insecure

Dear Insecure:

There is nothing wrong in wanting to be married.  It is the next step after living together. If you are the religious type you might want to feel as if you are no longer living in sin.  These days there isn’t much difference between being married and living together, however if that is important to you and you and your boyfriend are at loggerheads about it, it is time you re-evaluation what is important to you in a relationship.   If your current boyfriend meets everything you need, then what short of marriage will help you to feel secure and comfortable. Perhaps you can agree to introduce each other as husband and wife.  That what you are in essence or if there can be no compromise to getting married then you might have to start looking for the marrying kind. With regard to the jealousy you feel when he speaks well of his wife, isn’t that much better than bitching at the woman he once married to?  It shows he is a man of character. Getting married to you will not be enough of a deterrent from going back to her if he still loves her but after seven years of living with you, I think what he feels for the mother of his children is respect.  You have to find a way to overcome your jealously.  That could become an impediment in your relationship.