Snooping addiction

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a married woman. I have been married for 15 years to the same man. We have a relationship that goes hot and cold. Sometimes we are very tight and sometimes we are kindda distant. I love my husband very much. We have two beautiful children. I never suspected him of any wrongdoing over the years 20 years – we dated for five years before tying the knot – but lately I have been guilty of suspicious mind and eyes.  My husband’s behaviour has changed in a different way.  He seems perkier than usual, happier than usual and  have late meetings more often and often he would bring me a little treat – lindt chocolate that I like, or a small tcb tub and I am asking myself why?  He’s never done that before.  I feel it is to appease his guilt for cheating on me. So I have taken to rifling through his brief case, checking his call display on his cell phone, smelling his clothes for perfume or checking for lipstick, checking for condoms, listening in on his phone calls.  In other words I have become the biggest sleuth, and I am beginning to feel guilty and scared.  What if he finds out what I have been up to?  What can I do to quell this nagging doubt I have about my husband’s fidelity?

Snoop

Dear Snoop,

What you are doing is dishonest and wrong. If you think your husband is cheating on you, ask him. Frame your concern in a way that does not offend, say something like I’ve been feeling a little insecure about our relationship lately because there is something different about you and I am wondering if there is someone else?  It’s direct but yet soft. That would give him space to explain or to confirm your worst fears.  It’s always better to ask questions instead of acting from a place of fear.

Mysterious phone calls late at nights

Dear globalcounselor,

Once a week my husband calls a woman in another state and he spends hours on the phone with her. He said they are colleagues and disussing matters of scholarship.  They are both microbiologists. He said that I should not be narrowminded, this woman is a f riend of many years, a woman he went to University with.  She never phones, he always phones.  If I pass by his office, he lowers his voice. I know something’s going on and I am afraid for our marriage. I would never leave him because I cannot survive on my own but I am afraid he might leave me. He usually tells me that I have an active imagination.  I know  I’m right,  it’s women’s intuition.  What can I do to hold on to my husband.

Afraid

Dear afraid,

What would you do if you find out that your intuition is correct.  Would you leave your husband?  If you are not prepared to leave him then you have to find something creative to distract your husand from the other woman. Howabout you start having long conversations with a pretend old boyfriend and appear to be having a lot of fun.  Talk to your husband about Joe an old school friend who once had a crush on you.  If he becomes jealous you will know that the woman he is talking to is more than a friend and if he is not jealous, perhaps he is telling the truth.  There is a saying that a thief does not like to see anyone walking with an empty bag  he thinks the person is going to steal because that what he does.  The point is jealousy can make us do some crazy things, it magnifies a molehill into mountain. The way to tackle it, is head on.  Ask the questions, talk it over or prove it. Bug the phone and tape the conversation. You said you will not leave, then pour on the love and attention, go for walks, around the time he calls, find something else to do with him. Most of all, talk, share, express feelings, find out what’s lacking in the marriage and try to fix it.  There’s always a few sessions of counselling that could be helpful..