I’m tired of my overjealous boyfriend

Dear globalcounselor,

I work in advertising. My job is to find clients and get them to advertise in the newspaper I work for. I meet lots of business people, a lot of males in the course of my day. My current boyfriend knew what I did when we began dating.  We’re six months into dating and now my job is the problem. He calls me all the time and wants to know what I am doing and with whom – name and everything. Sometimes I am in my car driving from one appointment to the next and he’d be phoning wanting to know where I was, at what corner and when I’d be home and this sort of ridiculousness.  He is someone I care about and I found myself adjusting my behaviour to please him and then be mad with myself when I do not make enough sales. I work on Commission basis.  I broke up with him a few times only to be persuaded by him to make up. Everytime he said he would change but it wouldn’t be long before he returns to his old ways.  What can I do to help my boyfriend change his ways.  He is not independently wealthy to keep me. I have to work to take care of my needs.

Help me

Dear help me,

Your boyfriend has trust issues.  He is insecure in the relationship and feels that you might meet someone better than he is who would take you away from him. He does not have much self-confidence in himself and so he feels that by monitoring you, he can keep you in control. He feels he is doing this because he loves you but love does not know jealousy.  When you love someone you trust them and you have to be prepared to let the person go if you should fall out of love. People who cannot handle break ups are the ones who are so desperate to hold on to what they’ve got so tightly that the squeeze all the life of the relationship.

Have a talk with him and find out what he is afraid of?  Perhaps point him to some relationship counselling because if he continues the way he is going this relationship will not last. He will lose you.  Ask your boyfriend to stop his suspicious ways and assure him that you are faithful and that you love him and what the consequence would be if he continues. Good luck.

My boyfriend is obsessed with my weight

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a little overweight not obesely overweight, but my boyfriend of two years keeps on  bugging me to go to the gym and tells me how better I would look with a few pounds off.  At first I went along because I didn’t want him to leave me for a hotter girl but I am feeling that my self-esteem is slipping away.  Whenever I go to the gym I feel I am letting myself down because I am doing it for him. If we are together walking down the street he always turns his head to look at thin girls and I told him he is rude and that it hurts me when he does not and all he says to be is that I can look like that if I wanted to please him. How can I get him to appreciate me as I am.

Overweight

Dear overweight,

Your boyfriend is rude indeed.  He obviously does not like you for yourself but wants a trophy girl to hang on his arm. While losing weight is a good thing you have to do it for you not for him and if he makes you feel like crap I suggest you move on and find someone who can appreciate all of you.  Forcing or trying to persuade someone to like you as you are is a lost cause.

Three is a crowd

Dear globalcounselor,

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 years. He seems to like me and we get along fairly well. My problem is my boyfriend likes to tag his best friend along on our dates. His friend is always sharing my time with my boyfriend and my boyfriend gets upset when I tell him three is a crowd.  When I tell him I think he spends too much time with his boyfriend, he tells me that he knew him way before he knew me and until he gets a girlfriend, he does not feel right about leaving him out.  Last week I met with his boyfriend secretly and told him that I think he should say no the next time my boyfriend invites him out with us. I told him that it’s not that I do not like him but sometimes I want to be alone with my boyfriend.  I also told him (which was a mistake) that my boyfriend  felt sorry for him that’s why he invites him. He told my boyfriend what we talked about and said he did not want anyone to pity him (that’s what my boyfriend told me). My boyfriend was upset with me and said I was trying to come between him and his friend.  I told him (a mistake) that he would have to choose between having a girlfriend or a boyfriend.  It is a week and I still have not heard from him and he refuses to take my phone calls. How can I win him back?

Mistake

Dear mistake:

Why would you want to win back a person who does not want you? You deserve better, don’t you think so? I think you did the right this by putting your feelings on the line. Perhaps you should have dealt with your boyfriend instead of meeting secretly with his friend. You may have put your boyfriend in an embarrassing position and you made yourself out as manipulative person.  I can understand your frustration. Indeed three is a crowd. Your boyfriend must be an extremely kind person or there is something else going on. He is either afraid to be alone with you or had an unusual allegiance to his friend.  This is unusual behaviour.  Having an extra person around for some event is okay but all the time can be a bit much.  In either case, I think you had better move on. He is not serious about a relationship with you.

My boyfriend grosses me out

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 18 and my boyfriend is 19.  I love my boyfriend very much but he has this bad habit of spitting. He clears his throat very loudly and spit anywhere and everywhere without regard for people around.  One time we were with some friends and he harked and spat in front of my friend.  She said eeewe.  I felt embarrassed and when I spoke to him he said I was making a big fuss about nothing. He said that’s how guys behave.  I don’t think so. I’ve seen other boys who are so polite and sophisticated. I think I will have to leave my boyfriend if he continues that way.  How can I get my boyfriend to change his gross ways and be more considerate.

Grossed out.

Dear grossed out,

You have to tell him in no uncertain terms that you’re gross out when he harks and spit all over the place and that behaviour is not hygienic as well. That’s how disease spreads. I think it is common decency for a person to spit in a place where no one will step in it or have to watch it.  If he continues after you express how you feel then he does not respect you and it’s time to move on. You do not have to put up with such uncouth behaviour.  You cannot make him change; he has to want to change. If he loves and wants to keep you in his life, that will be motivation enough to make him change.  Remember suffering in a relationship is optional. You’re young and have your life in front of you, don’t settle for garbage.

An easy way to break up

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 15 years old and my boyfriend is 15 too. We have been together for five months and I am tired of the relationship. He wants to spend all his time with me and I hardly have time for my girlfriends. I feel I am missing out being with my girlfriend because I am left out of the loop. My best friend go out with a group of girlfriends and it’s only me and my boyfriend. Do you think I’m being weird wanting to be with my girlfriends more than with my boyfriend.  How do I break it off with him, I’m really not into him anymore. He is nice and all but I need to move on.

Moving on

Dear moving on,

It’s natural to get bored with your boyfriend. At 15 the world is before you and it will be a few more years before you are ready to settle down. When you are ready to settle down in a marriage or long term relationship then you get into serious relationship. These relationships at your age are not meant to last long and so they just fall apart and you’re not weird you’re just a normal teenager. Sooner or later your boyfriend might have been tired of you too. It is also natural for girlfriends to be more central in a healthy girl’s life. With your girlfriends you can share a lot, be yourself and gradually grow up to be a woman. Don’t worry about it. Your boyfriend will get over it, trust me on that one.