I hate my manipulative friends

Dear globalcounselor,

I recently ended my relationship with a girlfriend who I found to be dishonest and manipulative.  I was hurt badly in this relationship because I trusted her but I was betrayed. The problem is my friend does not appear to understand my reasons for ending the relationship.  It is as if she is incapable of grasping the truth or understanding the difference between truth and lie. I think she is so accustomed to fudging the truth that she now believes her own lies.  I discovered she was lying to me all along to manipulate me to give her things and pay for her bills.  All along she was using the money to buy drugs.  I feel used and abused and looking back now, I have to ask myself, how could I have been so blind.  I feel dumb and terribly betrayed.  She is now crying and want us to continue being friends. She cannot understand why a little lie should come between us. She has no conscience.  She offers no apology, she does not appear to be sorry for her behaviour, well I do not need someone like that around me.

Gone

Dear Gone,

I think you’ve made a wise decision.  When something is not working for you, the best thing to do is leave it alone.  Your friend has to recognize the errors of her ways and until she does, she will not see any need to change and nothing you can say or do will make her see. So move on and cut your losses. There are many more friends to meet. You are not dumb, you are an honest person and you judge others by your standards. Be careful next time but don’t compromise your standard.

Burning up with anger

Dear globalcounselor,

I am am so angry right now I don’t know what to do with it. I left my husband for another man who said he wanted to spend the rest of  his life with me. I eventually divorced my husband, got a good settlement which I spent generously with my new man until it was all gone.  It took us  about two years to spend $500,000 .  We are almost broke and in debt right now.  At this my lowest point, I find out that this scumbag is having an affair with one of our mutual friends. Luckily I owned the house so I told him to get the hell out before I do something I will regret.  Like a dog he keeps calling and asking me to forgive him. After I refused to talk to him, his phone calls have become threatening. I guess he has found out he is nothing without me. What should I do?

Angry

Dear Angry,

Get the police involved. Do not take threats at face value. It is better to be safe than sorry.  Get a restraining order, change your phone number.  You’ve been betrayed and you have every right to be angry but you made the choice to leave your husband for this guy. You made a mistake.  Cut your losses and leave.  Too many women  are victims of male violence. I don’t want you to be a statistics.  So get your safety plan in plan.  Go and speak to a social worker immediately and let her help you assess the situation.

My girlfriend is trying to steal my boyfriend

Dear globalcounselor,

I am almost 16 years old. My boyfriend is 17 years old.  He likes to be a player. I know he has been messing around with other girls but he always came back to me.  But one of my friends told me that she saw my boyfriend and my best girlfriend having coffee and looking pretty cozy.  I waited for my girlfriend to tell me but she never did, neither did my boyfriend. I asked my girlfriend it its true and she did not deny it.  She said they liked spending time together because they have a lot in common, such as sports, electronic games and so on. I felt hurt. I told her I did  think that was cool and she said that I am welcome to come anytime, that she does not have anything to hide and that I did not own Ricky, my boyfriend. I told her that I thought she was my friend and didn’t expect she would go  after my  boyfriend. She said she could not help it if she’s hotter than me. I was shocked. I called her the b word and just walked away crying.

Should I leave my boyfriend or should I fight for him.

Fly or fight

Dear fly or fight,

Listen honey, you are 15 – all this love talk is puppy love. This is the time when young people should explore relationships with the opposite sex and develop an understanding of each other without getting into sex which complicates a simple relationship and always  ends up in regrets. Let him go and you move on. There are many more fishes in the sea. Another boyfriend will emerge soon.   You have to learn what friendship means and it does not mean trying to steal your girlfriend’s boyfriend. You have to learn boundaries and the meaning of love and all that stuff. Your special guy is out there but he will show up a little later baby. I am not trying to make light of your pain but this is what I call emotional growing pain. There are pain you are going to experience in the future that will make this one appear like a walk in the park.  In time you will even forgive your girlfriend and you both will have a good laugh over it. Sometimes the guys we think we can’t live without at 15 turn out to be quite the frogs as grown ups and then girls ask themselves ‘what did I ever see in him’. It happens … a lot.

Pregnant at 15 for my stepfather

Dear global counselor,

I am 15 year old and I am pregnant. I am not a bad girl but I have kept a secret from my mom for a long time and now I do not know what to do because the secret is out. My stepfather has been abusing me for some time. He is a cruel man and he beats my mom. He had threatened that If I told my mom what he was doing to me that he would kill her and burn the house down with all of us. When he is not drinking he is okay but whenever he drinks he comes to my room.  I have not seen my period for three months and I think I may be pregnant.  My mom will hate me if I told her what was happening. The problem is my mom is also an alcoholic and whenever my stepfather rapes me he makes sure that mom is drunk so she does not know what is happening.  I don’t know where I will go if she kicks me out of the home. I will end up in Children’s Aid and I don’t think I want that.  Should I have an abortion. I don’t believe in abortion but I will do anything not to let me mom hate me.  Please tell me what to do.  I am scared and confused, sad and scared.

scared

Dear scared,

I’ll tell you what to do and you should follow my advice. First of all tell your mother, tell your teacher. Your teacher would have to tell a social worker because what has happened to you in sexual assault of a minor. This could put your stepfather away for a long time. What he has done to you in wrong and it is not your fault. You are just a child and you did not go looking for him. He took advantage of you and your mother.   I am sure your mother will not hate you.  She may hate herself for not protecting you. Hopefully this will be a wake-up call for her to stop drinking and take care of her family. If she is an alcoholic, she can join an AA group near home. These groups are all over the place.  Once you are taken care of by a social worker, they will help you to give birth to your child and you may choose with the proper counselling whether you want to raise your child or give it up for adoption.  This is an unfortunate incident in your life but it is not your fault and you have your whole life ahead of you.  Use this experience to motivate you to do something good with your life. What happened to you is horrible and something that may stay with you forever but that does not define who you are. You are still the beautiful child. Go and live your life to the fullest. Your mother will come around and if she is still influenced by alcohol or your stepfather, go and live with your grandparents, aunts or family member who will help you or speak to your social worker about options. There are many options out there for you. I hope your mother will act responsibly.

In Love with my Girlfriend Boyfriend

Dear globalcounselor,

 I am 15 years old and am so in love with my best girlfriend boyfriend. He is so cool and I know he is into me and we want to be together. I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend feeling but how can I tell her that her boyfriend loves me better and that she could find herself another boyfriend and we could all be friends.

In love

 

Dear In love

At 15 you will be in love many times with different boys but good girlfriends are hard to find.  Going out with a best friend’s boyfriend is crossing the line of social decency and you should think carefully about boundaries.  Are you a friend or not? Friends do not go out with their best friend’s boyfriend and what does that tell you about the boyfriend? He may do the same thing to you.

What is an open marriage?

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 55 year old married woman with children and grandchildren. Both my husband and I appear younger than we are because we are fortunate to have some money and have taken care of ourselves or have others take care of us. Recently, my husband has been harping about open marriage and that we should have an open marriage. Frankly, I thought we had an open marriage all the time because we are straight talking people. If something does not sit right with anyone of us we thrash it to bits. I did not think much about open marriage until I read something in the papers that talked about the secret of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett’s marriage is that they have an “open marriage” and there was the suggestion that they can have intimate relationship with people outside the marriage providing it is approved by either party. This is ridiculous. I could never go for something like this. I could never imagine my husband consciously going after another woman. That to me is a betrayal of our marriage vows.  I always thought we were happy. We had a healthy sexual relationship until a few years back when I had to have a hysterectomy because of female problems. Since then I have not had the urge for the kind of intimacy we had before. Could my husband now want to bale out onme for another woman? I am scared and hurt at the same time. I cannot see my life without him. Should I broach the subject to him again to clarify what he means by an open marriage or should I let sleeping dogs lie. I know I am going to be watching him like a hawk now and I will suspect any and everything.  Open marriage? no way.

No to open marriage

Dear no to open marriage:

An open marriage in my understanding is being open to sleep with other people while maintaining the integrity of the marriage. It is something that both partners have to be committed to or it could threaten the marriage. The question is would you prefer your partner to have an outside relationship in secrecy? Would you leave your partner if he commits adultery? You said that you are not as intimate as before. Perhaps your husband needs an outlet that you cannot provide and this is his way of keeping his marriage in tack while satisfying a need. I have not done any research into this topic to find out the  rate of success of such relationships but I believe it depends on a person’s values, their willingness to be open about the possibility, perhaps give it a try for a three to six months period and see how it works.  This is a new territory for me. I think it has to do with what you are comfortable with.

I would however, encourage you to have an open conversation about “open marriage” to see if you and your husband are on the same page. Get it out in the open thrash it and who knows what changes might occur either way. Is he prepared to lose you for a night with someone else’s wife or someone else? Are you prepared to call it a day if you cannot see eye to eye on this. This is a challenge that I encourage you to look at as an opportunity to grow as a couple. Listen carefully for the over riding interest behind this idea. And try not to be too suspicious, that in itself is very bad for a marriage. You have to trust until you have a reason not to. Talking will help with this as well.  Good luck.