What’s all the fuss about Chris and Rihanna?

Dear Global Counsellor,

I am 18 year old country girl and my boyfriend is 22. We love each other a lot.  I know he loves me but sometimes I make him mad and he hits me and we kiss and make up. I won’t leave him because we promise to be together forever. One day we plan to be husband and wife. I think the public should stay out of the couple’s problems and let them deal with it by themselves.  They are such a cute couple and cthey love each other.  If they were not celebrities would anybody care?

In love

Dear In Love,

Girl you are living in another world. Your idea about love is not the right one. When people love each other they do not hurt each other but care for each other. Abuse is wrong.  No one has the right to hit another person. Abuse happens because the person wants to control you.  Usually the abuse escalates over time. Your boyfriend is going beat you up  more severely and more frequently if you do not stop him.  Unfortunately sometimes abuse ends in death of one or both partners.  Many women continue in such relationship because they enjoy the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse  and live for such tender moments, when their boyfriends for husbands show remorse for their violent behaviour and shower them with gifts and kisses for a day or so,  but those moments will become fewer and far between the beatings you will get.  With regard to Chris and Rihanna,  I think the public is right to be concerned about their behaviour.  Rihanna is seen as a role model for young girls. What message is she giving young women who might be in a similar situation?  When you promote yourself as a role model, there are responsibilities.

  I suggest that you, young lady, seek counselling for your own abusive relationship.  You need to get out of that relationship before it is too late. What you are going through is not normal.  Get help, now.

Can’t get out from under his feet

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 35 years old and it’s hard to write it but I am obese but well proportioned. I consider myself reasonably good looking given my size and all. I feel fortunate to have a nice boyfriend, who is very handsome, suave and keeps himself in good shape.  We’ve been together for about 2 years. He has his own apartment and I have my own apartment, but we see each other regularly. Ever since I started going out with this guy, I felt insecure about our relationship. I wanted to know what he saw in me. I am polar opposite to him. I am bright, I am intelligent and I own my own successful business. In my work life I am confident as they come but in my love life well…  He is a blue collar worker and does not make as much as I do financially and whenever we go out we split the bill except if he or I am treating. I buy him lots of neat (expensive) presents and I feed him well with steaks and chicken breasts. Our love life is excellent. So what is my problem? Well, he keeps nagging me to lose the weight and sometimes says some hurtful things. Lately we’ve been quarrelling over the silliest things and I end up crying and asking for forgiveness. Then I feel he would patronise me saying something “you can’t help it.”  The most hurtful  thing he has done was refusing to take me out to an event with his friends because he said all their girlfriends are “skinny bitches” and they’d make fun of me behind my back. He went alone and I cried the whole night.  I’ve tried to lose weight but it’s difficult and takes time. If he really loved me I feel he would have been patient and more understanding. My size would not matter. He treats me shabbily. Sometimes when we look at TV together he would say, “doesn’t looking at those hot girls make you sick?”.  I feel like a dog for still putting up with him but I feel I may not get someone like him again and I do not want to be alone without a boyfriend.  How can I make this work globalcounselor?

Doormat

Dear Doormat:

What do people do with doormats my friend?  They want on  them and wipe their feet on them. That’s what your boyfriend appears to be doing to you.  This cannot work, you have to stand up for yourself and demand respect.  Your boyfriend obviously do not care about you and may be just using you. He knows you have low self-esteem and is playing to that to keep you subjugated to him. If he worried about your weight because he was afraid of losing you to illness that may have been something to think about but he is only interested in you being “hot”.  This guy needs to be thrown on the curb. You have many good qualities and the right guy will come along who will cherish and appreciate all of you. Do not sell yourself short. When you feel good about yourself that becomes part of your beauty and you reflect that and people become attracted to it.  You do not have to apologise for being overweight or feel worthless because of it. What your boyfriend is doing to you is abuse, emotional abuse. Abuse of any kind is wrong. Yes, it is good to maintain a healthy weight but you have to do that for you, not to be loved.

Father abuses mother in front of children

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 15 year old boy from India. I came to Canada two years ago with my ma and pa. My pa said he came for better life but I believe our life is worse. I miss my family and friends back in India so much. The thing that makes me sadder is my pa and the way he hurts my ma.  He pushes her around, yells at her and calls her stupid jackass in front of me and my younger brother. My ma is so sad all of the time and she does not fight back. She allows my pa to treat her like dirt. I am mad at my ma because she does not fight back. When I told her to fight back she said I should not get involved.  I am not happy at home and I feel like calling police on my pa.  What can I do? One of these days I know I will hurt my pa very badly. I will.  What can I do to prevent this from happening?

Sad and angry

 

Dear sad and angry,

Your father is abusing your mother. That’s family violence and it’s against the law in North America for a man to beat his wife.  Your mother may be afraid to do or say anything because she might be afraid that there will be no one to take care of you and your brother.  She may think she is putting up with the abuse because of her children. This is not right and it is not healthy.  I believe you when you say you will hurt your dad one of these days because your anger is building up against him. You will be in trouble should you hurt your father really bad. The best thing for you to do is to call the police whenever you witness you’re father beating or abusing your mother.  The police may charge him or send him for Counselling. This may help your father to change his ways and may save your mother from abuse. He will be told he could be sent to jail if he abuses your mother or you and your brother. Your mother will thank you one of these days for being so brave and for protecting her.

 

Stuck in a Rot

Dear globalcounselor,

I have the same boyfriend since the 7^th grade and we love each other, I think. We’re both 25 years old. We fight all the time and he calls me so really mean names like slut, bitch, ho. I retaliate by calling him names too that denigrate his masculinity and I feel bad afterwards because I do not mean of the things I say. I say them to get back at him but he never apologizes to me and when I ask him to, he says why apologize when that is what you are and he ends with “but I love you”. Sometimes I feel we have outgrown each other and we do not really love each other but I can’t walk away it’s like I am addicted to him. What should I do?

Confused

 

Dear confused;

Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt and this may be the case. You need to take a break from each other. Calling each other hateful names is verbal abuse. Abuse is wrong in any way, shape or form in my book. Try either dating other people or just stop seeing each other and find yourselves as single autonomous people.  As they say, if it is true love, you will find each other again but if you do not then just say good bye to a childhood dream and move on with your adult lives.  Comfort is hard to let go of.  You two might just have become too comfortable with each other and take each other for granted like an old comfortable chair. Starting a new relationship is challenging and hard work. We humans have a tendency to be lazy. Get off your buts and start working on yourselves.  Good luck.

  

I feel sad all of the time

Dear globalcounselor,

I know you can’t help me but I am going to tell you my story anyway.  I am a 15 year old girl. I live with my mom. My dad left when we were little. I have 10 year old brother. It was not my mom’s fault but sometimes I still blame her in my heart.  My dad used to slap her around and one time she called the police on him and he said that was it, any woman who going get the police involved in our private family matter is no woman for him.  When he left he told me that I could blame my mom for what happens.

My mom is good. She works two jobs but still we are poor. I feel sad for her, sad for myself and my brother.  Sometimes I start crying for no reason at all.  I am s ad because we are poor and I can’t get the things I want. I feel bad when I tell my friends they can’t come over to my house. I lie because I don’t want them to know how poor we are. I feel like a liar and a loser.  How can I feel better, what can I do?

Loser

Dear loser,

First of all being poor is no reason to be ashame. There are lots of people in the world who are poor.  Not because you are poor you cannot have a nice home.  It is love that makes the home nice, okay. All you have to do is to help your mother keep in clean and from what you are telling me she is working herself to the bones for you children. Show some respect and sympathy for your mom.

   Secondly, at your age, I understand how these things affect you but I will give you this piece of advice. Find a place you can volunteer, maybe a drop in centre for youths, a shelter for the homeless, or help new comers and refugees in the area.  Doing something for others might make you feel better about yourself and appreciate all that you have.

    If you still feel sad and cries all the time, I think you should talk to your mother or your school counselor because there may be more to it that meets the eye.   You have a right and a responsibility to be happy my child.

     Remember it’s no one making you unhappy but you. It is your thoughts that is making you unhappy. Flip the coin and change your thoughts, look for the bright side of your situation. Your mom is safe, she is no longer being abused and you are safe. You have a home and clothes and food and you go to school. You have a lot to the thankful for.