Pregnant at 15 for my stepfather

Dear global counselor,

I am 15 year old and I am pregnant. I am not a bad girl but I have kept a secret from my mom for a long time and now I do not know what to do because the secret is out. My stepfather has been abusing me for some time. He is a cruel man and he beats my mom. He had threatened that If I told my mom what he was doing to me that he would kill her and burn the house down with all of us. When he is not drinking he is okay but whenever he drinks he comes to my room.  I have not seen my period for three months and I think I may be pregnant.  My mom will hate me if I told her what was happening. The problem is my mom is also an alcoholic and whenever my stepfather rapes me he makes sure that mom is drunk so she does not know what is happening.  I don’t know where I will go if she kicks me out of the home. I will end up in Children’s Aid and I don’t think I want that.  Should I have an abortion. I don’t believe in abortion but I will do anything not to let me mom hate me.  Please tell me what to do.  I am scared and confused, sad and scared.

scared

Dear scared,

I’ll tell you what to do and you should follow my advice. First of all tell your mother, tell your teacher. Your teacher would have to tell a social worker because what has happened to you in sexual assault of a minor. This could put your stepfather away for a long time. What he has done to you in wrong and it is not your fault. You are just a child and you did not go looking for him. He took advantage of you and your mother.   I am sure your mother will not hate you.  She may hate herself for not protecting you. Hopefully this will be a wake-up call for her to stop drinking and take care of her family. If she is an alcoholic, she can join an AA group near home. These groups are all over the place.  Once you are taken care of by a social worker, they will help you to give birth to your child and you may choose with the proper counselling whether you want to raise your child or give it up for adoption.  This is an unfortunate incident in your life but it is not your fault and you have your whole life ahead of you.  Use this experience to motivate you to do something good with your life. What happened to you is horrible and something that may stay with you forever but that does not define who you are. You are still the beautiful child. Go and live your life to the fullest. Your mother will come around and if she is still influenced by alcohol or your stepfather, go and live with your grandparents, aunts or family member who will help you or speak to your social worker about options. There are many options out there for you. I hope your mother will act responsibly.

Post Abortion Guilt

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 35 year old mother of three beautiful children. They are healthy and happy and I am at a place in my life that I have everything I asked for, humble though they may be – a house, a car, a little dog, a loving husband and my beautiful rambunctious children.  However, deep down in the pit of my stomach is a knot that appears to get tighter as I get older. You see, when I was 18 I had an abortion.  I did not want to let my parents down and I had no where to turn, I felt I had no choice because my boyfriend at the time said that was all he could do for me – to help me get rid of the child.  It’s not something I am proud of and even back then I knew I would pay for it. I get terrible flashbacks to that day when I walked out of the doctor’s office and felt I had no one to turn to because by then I hated my boyfriend so much for putting me through that. I didn’t know what I wanted from him but at least he could have offered to marry me and so we could have saved our child.

I feel guilt is eating at my soul. I am a Catholic and I have done the confession bit but I am still torched by what I have done.  It is to the point that I feel if I do not get my act together I am going to lose it and lose everything I have and cherish especially my children and my husband. I have not shared this with my husband and that too makes me feel like a bad person. As you can see my trials are many.  I have had bouts of eating disorder but I am smart enough to know that these are all signs of my disordered thinking and feelings.  What can I do?  By the way I have shared with you more than I have ever shared with anyone else. So thanks for this.

guilty

Dear guilty,

I just want you to know that you are not alone. We all have done things when we are young and inexperienced that we live to regret. Abortion is a big one for some people.  It is against religious values and at the human core we have religion.  There is also redemption and that too is at the core of religion.  There is forgiveness and a path to move forward. Your grief over a lost child is real. You must find a way to forgive yourself. Perhaps you might be able to do this best with the help of a counsellor.  Sometimes it helps a woman to do something in memory of her child, like for example, financially adopt an orphan in a third world country through one of the Charitable organizations, and help that child grow and develop.  This may help you to replace the guilt with hope.

Just remember we are only human, we make mistakes and I believe that is what life is all about, mistakes and learning. If we learn from our mistakes then it becomes a lesson to share with others.  Do not feel guilty for not sharing this part of yourself with your family.  Somethings are meant to be that way.  Why burden others with this knowledge.  It may only make them sad.  We are not compelled to share every detail of our lives with others, we should share only those things we want to share, and that is not being dishonest. When I buy a couch that has been used by others, do I need to know all that went on on that couch before? No, I may change the cover and turn it into something that I like or I might just leave it like that and enjoy it. This business of spilling guts and confessions to me are not important.  What is important is the need for us to forgive ourselves for mistakes we might have made in another lifetime. Life is precious, take what you have and it appears you have a lot, cherish and protect it and go forth. Some days you will have set backs but don’t stay there, reach for the sun on the horizons of life.