I have been separated from my boyfriend for about 4 months and I still feel a hole in my heart and I get so lonesome that I sometimes want to run back to him. Then I think about how unhappy I was being with him and that does not seem appealing anymore but why can’t I be alone, why do I feel like I need someone by myself all the time. I feel so needy and although people say I am beautiful I cannot feel it. What is wrong with me?

Something’s wrong.

Dear Something’s wrong,

You need to get busy and keep yourself occupied so you do not pine away for that exboyfriend of yours. You need to spend time with yourself and get to know and love you. Unless you love and respect yourself no one else will. You need to get in touch with the Source of your being, your higher self, that part of you that is divine and embrace it.  (Some folks call it God, some higher consciousness, some Source energy – these are  semantics) You are not how you look, how much someone loves you, you are way more than that. You are a divine creative being. Think about that and find a way to see yourself as that.  What we think is what we manifest and what we attract into our lives, so be aware of your thoughts. Change your thoughts, change your life. While it is okay to want companionship at times it should not be a need. Neediness creates a clinging personality and that’s not attractive at all to anyone. Neediness makes you settle for anything that creates more pain for you, it does not fill the hole in any heart just makes the hole bigger.

I am a 16-year-old Muslim girl and ever since the trial of three Muslim people in Montreal who they think murdered those four women by drowing them in a car my school friends are giving me weird looks. They pretend they’re whispering but I can hear them talking about my scarf and looking at me funny. I am tired of being stared at, talked about and feel less than other people because I am muslim and dress a little different. I feel different and I wish I did not have to stand out by wearing a scarf on my head all the time, but my parents would not let me go without it. They tell me I should be proud of who I am and that people will like me when they see how good I am but they don’t. What can I do?I don’t want to feel like an outsider. I want to be like everyone else.

Weird,

Dear Weird,

Being yourself can sometimes be challenging especially when you want to be like everyone else. But being yourself is the only way you can be truly happy and if people don’t  like you for who you are they don’t really like you and no matter how much you change they will not like you, not really. I understand how difficult it is for you to stand out but right now you don’t have a choice but to wear the scarf because your parent want you to. How about if you get people to understand why you wear a scarf.  Discuss this issue with your teacher and tell her you would like to invite a speaker to speak to your class about Islam. Maybe when your friends understand that you’re no different from a nun who wear special clothes, or a priest who wears a frock, or the Jewish man who wears the cap on his head.  These things are different but they all mean something  important. Ignorance breeds distrust and distrust causes people to make up stories about things they don’t understand. So it’s hard work but try educate your ignorant school mates and things might be different. They might come to appreciate that difference is not always bad and that Muslims are not bad people but that bad people use religion to do bad things.

I recently started dating a man. We’ve been dating for about three months but just before Christmas he disappeared from my life. I left phone and text messages, but he did not return not one of them. I spent the holidays alone. I did not receive a card let alone a gift from him. I was so disappointed and hurt.  Guess what, yesterday I heard from the creep wanting to come over. I asked him where he was all this time, over the holidays. He said he had to be away. He was very vague and unapologetic. I told him no thank you, it’s  a new year and I am moving in a different direction. I believe he was just being cheap. He did not want to spend any money on me to take me out or buy a gift. Silly me I had bought him a gift but he’s not getting it. I am taking it back and get my money. His behaviour disgust me.

Disgusted.

Dear Disgusted,

I must say your friend’s behaviour is rather strange. You must have thought a great deal more about  the relationship that he did. People usually like to spend Christmas with their loved ones and girlfriends and boyfriends but this guy is something else. I think you’ve made the right decision to move on. There are plenty of fishes in the sea, go find someone who shares the same idea of a relationship.

I am 63 years old and I feel  like I have lost my mojo. I am not interested in any thing. I am single, not in great shape and have a good job. I have lots of friends but someone I feel joyless. I do not know what I am supposed to do. I feel kind of loss and tired of working but I need to work for a few more years to bring my pension up to snuff. I don’t feel as if I am depressed just lethargic, uninterested in life and don’t know what to do about it. Any ideas?

joyless

Dear Joyless

Sounds like you’re in deep funk. Could it be a low-down after a hectic holiday, could it be you have over-extended yourself financially. It is not unusual for folks to have that let down sort of feeling. I believe this will pass after a few weeks into January. It might be helpful to do something different and fun. Start a new hobby, take a recreational course , try to meet some new friends and see what happens.  Maybe it’s time to find a significant other in your life. That could spice things up a bit. If the feelings persists for weeks without letting up you might want to talk to a counsellor to sort out your feelings.

The big holiday is over and I am crying the blues. I am bitterly disappointed that my boyfriend of three years did not propose.  Leading up to Christmas, he was hinting as a big surprise saying things like “I hope you’re ready for this” and I pretending not to have a clue, which it turns out I did not have a clue because the big surprise was giving me a dog for Christmas. I was thinking of getting myself a dog but I couldn’t afford the one I really wanted which is a pure bred Shih Tzu. I like my present but that was not what I was expecting and as a result I find myself just crying on the poor dog.  I am afraid I might make the dog depressed.  I am so mad and so hurt and to add insult to injury he has asked me to move in with him. Who does he take me for some kind of a slacker woman who would do something like this? I have my values and I never want to live with a man until there is a ring on my finger and I told him flat-out he must be joking and that I feel insulted by that proposition. He said I was being old-fashioned. I told him so be it he could go find himself a modern slutty woman to use and discard when he feels like it. Am I being old-fashioned, what am I not getting here?

Confused

Dear Confused,

I don’t think you’re being old-fashioned at all. You are being yourself and you have certain values which you hold dear. Unfortunately, your boyfriend does not appear to hold those same values. This does not mean you are old-fashioned. It means you are principled, that’s all. 

Perhaps your disappointment at not getting an engagement or a proposal of marriage may also have triggered such strong sentiments. It’s like when your mind is set on something you can’t hear any other alternatives. Perhaps if you had pursued the proposition by asking your boyfriend what he had in mind? Was there a plan to move in together and get married within a specified time and if you would have stated your values and expectations the discussion might have gone in a different direction. What if he thought you were the kind of woman who would not want to be married, maybe he was afraid of rejection and we could go on speculating because we do not know.  You would only know what motivated him to ask you to move in with him if you

I met a girl recently and I really like her and felt we could be an item for a while anyway but she has bad breath. It’s not like she is not brushing her teeth or anything like that, I don’t know why it smells so bad. Sometimes it’s like stale garlic, sometimes it is putrid and that turns me off completely. I can’t be comfortable near to her. I always have to carry chewing gum with me or mints to slip her one and then it will be fine for a whole. I am disgusted with this, not with her but with this awful stench and I am thinking of just slinking out of her life by not returning phone calls, not showing up for dates something to get her mad enough to leave. I  feel like a heel but there’s no way I can go out with this girl anymore.

Slinky.

Dear Slinky,

Bad breath can be a relationship breaker and there is no easy way to tell someone that their breath is bad.  Leaving is the easiest way out but what if you ask one of her good friends or someone she trusts to give her heads up about her breath. Bad breath could be a serious medical problem. By making her aware of it she might go to her doctor to see if there is something that could be done to help the situation.

I leave it up to you to do the right thing.

This is one of my most memorable holidays. I have a boyfriend whom I can share Christmas with. I have never had this before in all my 36 years. I am so happy. Last evening I invited the family over for Christmas dinner including my granny to my apartment to formally meet my boyfriend. Everyone was happy for me except my granny whom I love.  She almost spoiled my evening by her critical  attitude which made everyone uncomfortable. She does not approve of my boyfriend because he is  divorced with children and she believes he is not good enough for me. I love him and she does not respect that. She was pouting and demand to leave just after dinner. All the time she sat there She was whispering mean things about my boyfriend. My mom and I had to make all kinds of excuses for her. She is 86 years old.  My granny said she would not come to Christmas dinner if my boyfriend is going to be there.  She is making my mom choose between my boyfriend and her. My mom told my granny that my boyfriend is going to be there and she is free to choose to do what she likes. I feel terrible, I feel I have spoiled Christmas for the family. Granny will not be at the table.

Upset

Dear Upset,

Well it sounds like your granny is from the old school and one who likes to get her way always.  Sometimes even the elderly need to be taught that they cannot always have their ways. Let your granny be and you do what you have to do. Do not let her sentiments spoil a good Christmas for you. She will get over her concerns sooner than later. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings and values you are responsible to acknowledge your own feelings and be true to that. You love this man then make no excuse to anyone. Instead of being sad and upset about who’s not there – one crotchety woman – be thankful for those who show up and support your decision as a woman – your mother, siblings and friends.  Celebrate that. Have a merry Christmas.

It’s Christmas and my tears can’t stop flowing. I remember by son Daniel who was killed a few years ago by a drunk driver. I feel cheated out of my beautiful child by a mindless, selfish person.  When will I be able to remember my son without feeling this anger and hurt all at the same time.  I don’t think I will ever be happy again. My life is ruined and what more that drunk driver must be sitting at home and enjoying his Christmas with his family and friends. It is not fair. How can I move this load off my heart.

So sad

Dear So Sad,

Merry Christmas. It is time for you to unload your heart and stop remembering the day you lost your son and try remembering all the happy times you shared together, how many years were that? Two, three, ten, 20 years? Be grateful for the time you had and celebrate his life instead of his death.  That drunk driver might be sitting at his Christmas table today in body but I am sure he is thinking about that life he took. Perhaps if you know that person call him and  tell him you forgive him and that you want him or her to be happy. It’s the only way you will find happiness. You have to want the same for that person as you want for yourself. Unless you can do that you cannot find peace. Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet shed on the heels that had just crushed it. Be open to forgiving the person who have harmed you. You are doing this for them but for you, your peace of mind. You can do it. You’ve carried the burden long enough, today is the day to let it go.

Have a peaceful and joyful holiday. Think about your son, the memories you made together and thank the Creator for the time you had together.

 I am 15 years old. My parents are new immigrants and are now learning English. I speak good English because I learn from my friends. I learn a lot of things from my Canadian friends and that helps me to feel more confident and to know how to go about my life here is this new country. We have been here for two years now. I have a brother and a sister. They are only 7 and 5 years old. My mom said that after they got me they did not want to get another child in  Afghanistan because they were waiting to leave for another country. Anyways my problem is that my parents do not want me to have a life, my life is to take care of my brother and sister all the time. All my friends can go shopping at the mall, or for an ice cream or something but not me. My parents say I have to look after my brother and sister.  One of my friends tells me that I could tell Child and Family Services and they will take me out of the house and put me to live with other family where I will get more freedom. I love my family and they are good to me but they say it is my duty to take care of my brother and sister.  They also said that girls should not be out walking and having fun because it is not how girls behave in our culture.  We get into fights all the time and I am tired. One day I lied to my mom. I told her I had to join a program to learn better English and in the meantime, I went with my friends. They found out what I was doing and beat me. I could not leave the house for two weeks. I am still mad with my parents. If they give me some free time I would not have to lie. How can I get my parents to give me some free time to have fun with my friends?

Mad

Dear Mad,

Have patience with your parents. They are new to the country and are still trying to hold on to their culture.  Maybe that is how girls are treated in Afghanistan and maybe it the duty of older siblings to take care of the younger ones. In many parts of the world people cannot afford to pay babysitters so they depend on family members and older siblings to help out. Your parents are still adjusting to how different it is in Canadabut they will learn in time. I know it is frustrating for you because you want to have fun now.

   It might be helpful to speak to someone who has lived in Canada for a longer time and ask them to speak to your parents.  Having you look after your siblings all the time could be interpreted by Family Services as a kind of abuse.  Speak to someone from your cultural group or from a service providing agency to tell your parents that is normal for girls to go out.  Keep having conversations with your parents, help them to trust you and to see that you are responsible and will not do anything foolish.  Do what you say you are going to do, return home at the time you say and do invite your friends over.  When they know your friends, they might be more willing to allow you to go out for a walk or to a movie with them.  I am glad you did not listen to those friends who tried to tell you go and live with foster parents or in a group home. Being home with your parents is the best place for you to be, unless your parents are extremely abusive people and risk hurting you, I suggest you remain at home and be a little understanding. Use your knowledge of English to help them understand Canadian culture and what is good about it.  Finally you have to earn your parents’ trust by being truthful, listen to what they say, keep their curfew i.e. come home when you say you will and let them know where you are going. Things will change in time, I promise you that.