My boyfriend is forcing me to have an abortion

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 18 and my boyfriend is 19. We have not been dating but had a one night affair that ended up with me being pregnant. It was one of those nights of careless sex. I was under the influence. Anyway since I found out I was pregnant I have cleaned up my act and am trying to be responsible since I am carrying life inside of me. My boyfriend says he is not ready to be a father and wants me to have an abortion. His father is also pressuring me saying it is for the best since we are both young and could have other children. He said we are not ready to be parents and we have our lives ahead of us and this baby can ruin all that. I agree with all that but I  cannot bring myself to have an abortion. I have religious values and feel that I will be taking the life of my innocent child. I told them I would prefer to get the baby and give it up for adoption or to have the baby on my own and not bother with their family but that does not seem to wash. The father said that these kinds of deals have a way of coming back to bite people on their butts. I am so stressed. My parents said they would support whatever I want but they too think that having a child will change the course of my life. I know that I take responsibility for my action but I cannot, cannot abort this baby. Sometimes I pray that God will have a hand and make me have a spontaneous abortion but if that does not happen. Global counselor,  what should I do that is best for me.

Not a Killer

Dear Not a Killer

Everything that the adults in your life tell you is true. Your life will change forever. You might not achieve what you want because of the responsibility of your child on the one hand or on the other hand you might surpass your expectations motivated by the responsibility of having to take care of another life.  It is all how you choose to look at this issue. Whatever you do be true to your values.If abortion is not something you can live with then do not, don’t listen to the voices of others. You have to live with your decision. If your parents are going to support you then take that support and as for your boyfriend, you let him know that you expect him to support the child at some level.  People have a way of changing the way they see things once a child comes into the world. Grandparents are suddenly willing to help out because who can resist an innocent child. I hear you are willing to make compromises just to keep your child alive. Well it’s your body and you have the final say about what happens to it. Having an abortion is a medical procedure, having a child is natural.

My wife cannot cook

Dear globalcounselor,

I have a big problem. I have been married for about six months now and my wife has not cooked a single meal that I can say I enjoy. She is absolutely ignorant when it comes to mixing ingredients and coming from a home of superb cooks – my mother and sisters, I find I get a little irritable just thinking about mealtimes at home. I love my wife but shamefully I must admit that I am beginning to love her less because of her cooking. Don’t suggest that I eat out or send her to cooking school, I have tried that. I am tired of eating out I am bored of that. I love home cooking that’s why I got married in the first place. If things do not change quickly, I can’t see my marriage continuing, in as much as I love my wife. Eating is my most pleasurable activity. I love to eat good delicious food, home cooked. Nothing makes me happier. What can I do to save my marriage.

Hungry

Dear hungry,

Well this is a big problem but there is an easy solution if you want to save your marriage. Hire a cook and let him or her do the cooking, perhaps your wife will learn over time to cook herself. If you married your wife because you needed a maid, I can see how disappointed you’d be but if you married her for love, you will be patient and make cooking a family time where you too can help make the meals you love to eat. Good luck

My parents are hypocrites

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 20-year-old girl. I am muslim – a faithful practising one who believes in what this religious stands for. Unlike in Pakistan, I attend a mixed mosque. There are muslims from all over the world who I interact with and make friends with. I am in love with a beautiful soul from Ethiopia. We love each other very much and I was sure my parents would have been happy to hear that I have found someone to marry and who wants to marry me and start a family. I have been faced with more stumbling blocks than a Brahmin hindu girl who wants to marry a Dalit boy.  Both my parents are not in favour of this union even though my boyfriend has all the qualities of a good man – he is well-educated, respectful, honest, God-fearing and all that but he is also black. They are not saying it is because he is black, but because we are different and he is not the right person for me. I spoke to the Imam and he said to listen to my parents because they are wiser. What do I do? Should I give up the love of my life to please my racist parents and hypocrites because the religion clearly  forbid  this practice  Arabs before Islam used to look down upon others specially blacks. The Prophet repeatedly contrasted the believing Africans versus non-believing Arab nobles. Arab nobles.  What are my options here!!!

disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

Cultural habits are hard to break and if religion cannot change people’s hearts against racism and discrimination, I do not know what will.  If as you say this man is perfect, then his only imperfection appears to be the colour of his skin. I think you are of age, you can choose your path or you can convince your parents to warm up to your boyfriend. Ask your boyfriend to speak with your father to get to know what his concerns are while you work on your mother. Somewhere in these discussions the truth will come to light and if it is race then you can convincingly argue your case by quoting from the Koran.

 

Jealous Lover

Dear Globalcounselor,

I am sick and tired of feeling this jealous rage whenever I see my girlfriend talking to another man even if as she tells me they are only friends or colleagues, I feel as if that other man is seeing her the way I see her as beautiful, desirable and attractive. I am in a constant state of insecurity waiting for her to say that it is over.  Because of my fear I keep tab on her movements calling her on the cell phone at home and at work, always interrogating her about her day, what she’s done whom she saw in a matter of fact way, pretending that I care about her day when all I care  about is to see if she spoke or saw a man.  My girlfriend has confronted me many times accusing me of not trusting her and what’s the point of the relationship. I tell her I trust her completely and that I am insanely in love with her. I buy her lots of cool gifts which she appreciates. I do things other men do not do all in the hope that she would not find anyone quite like me. This is exhausting and I am tired but can’t help myself. What can I do to trust my girlfriend, I do love her and hope one day we can be married. We have been dating for about three years.

Sicko

Dear Sicko,

You do  appear to have a problem. You have a  serious problem of insecurity and you have to get to the bottom of why you have such a fear of losing something you can never own. Did you lose someone in your childhood e.g. your mother or father, are your parents separated. Sometimes anxieties from our childhood show up in our adult lives and  unless we examine these issues they’d continue to haunt us and wreck our lives. I would suggest you seek some professional counselling to help you unpack some of these behaviours or you risk losing the woman you love and losing yourself in the process. You cannot watch your girlfriend 24-7, you will drive yourself crazy. Find peace and happiness by getting the help you need. Good luck.

Sometimes I feel so down

Dear globaleyes,

I am a single parent who is an immigrant to this country. I have given my life for my children. My marriage ended when my children were all under 10 years old and I worked two job and rarely spent time with my children. My ex did not want to support me and the children and he put me through hell during our marriage and after. I am now torn up with guilt. I feel like a failed mother and wife sometimes especially when my sons speak to me in a rude fashion. It brought back all that I went through with their dad. Two days ago, I asked my son, 33,  to help with a task at home and he said to me that he was frustrated with me always having to help me do this  or that and that he felt as if he were my servant. These words hurt me to  my heart. I cried the whole evening unable to stop myself. Then I thought to myself what was the purpose of living if my children whom I dedicated my life to treated me as if I did not matter.  Yes, I contemplated suicide. I became frightened and called a crisis line and we chatted for a while and I felt better. The counsellor told me to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I felt insulted and as if I was a mental case. Do you think my condition needs a psychiatrist? Please give me your thoughts.

Suicidal

Dear suicidal,

First of all what is your life? Is it catering to your children? You have to get a life of your own . It seems that you are still dedicating your life to your children even though it appears they have grown up. This is not the way it is. There is a time to loosen the hold and dependency on your children for your social life. They are in a different space and can feel strangled by your constant needs and wants of them. It is not that they do not love you but they want to feel independent. To answer your question directly, I think it would be a good idea to speak to a psychiatrist at first and later on find a counsellor to follow-up and have a relationship with. To have contemplated suicide is a cry for help and you’ve got to help yourself. Please get the help you need before you face another stressful encounter with your children.

Answer me this question

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 57 years old and have several chronic diseases.My mother is 89 years old and also struggles with many illnesses – name it she has it. She is not enjoying life, just existing in a care home. I go to see her everyday. I feel it is my duty. My heart breaks every time I leave. The sad thing is that she is conscious of everything and whenever I try to leave she holds me and says “don’t go”or “take me with you”.  I always leave crying my eyes out. Why isn’t God putting my mother to rest.  Is there a God at all?

Curious

Dear Curious,’

I feel your frustration, your sadness and helplessness.  But this is a question of values and faith. If you are a believer in some higher power or God, then you would see this as God’s will and there is a reason behind your mother’s apparent suffering. Maybe her life is a lesson to others, her life is teach others compassion and what it means to value a life. If you are not a believer, you might want to lobby the government to institute  euthanasia. Like we do for our pets – put them down when life becomes too difficult for the pet owners or the pets, for convenience or love, those who see this as the end of the road for us will see euthanasia as a practical things.  For those of the spirit, we did not give life therefore we must not take like and this is just the beginning of some other life. I hope this helps to focus your thoughts about your mother’s situation. By the way you can try praying, meditating and try to find something of value in your mother as she is, maybe that would help you to cope. You don’t have to go everyday. Are you going because of guilt, love or duty?  You can use part of your visit or days when you cannot visit your mom to hand out with a girlfriend or do something fun for yourself. Do not become a martyr. That’s not good for you or your mother.