Dear globalcounselor,
I’ve been married to my husband for 18 years. Then he got sick with Multiple Sclerosis. My husband has been unfaithful to me twice with two younger women and both times I found out and because I like to keep up appearances I forgave him so that we could keep our marriage in tact. We have two teen age children and they’re always my number one reason for the compromises I have made. Now my husband is ill with this debilitating illness and I have to take care of him. He has gone downhill very rapidly and need a lot of help and I resent the fact that I have to give him so much of my time. I feel I am doing a lot and always feeling tired. I don’t think I love him anymore and frankly I feel bloody trapped. What would people say if I left him high and dry with his MS. I never told anyone what he did so everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. My resentment is turning into anger and that’s affecting my mental health. What can I do? I don’t want to be here anymore.
Trapped.
Dear Trapped,
It’s time to let your guard down, come clean and stop keeping up appearances. It did not work for you in the past and it will not work for you now. You have to be honest. Are you resentful with your husband or his illness? You’re mad that he’s let you down again.
It is very difficult to divorce a sick man. People feel guilty about things like that and stay because of obligation, something they feel they must do because of human compassion. In your case, you have two children together. How will they feel if you left their dad to fend for himself? Can they live with him and help him or would he be willing to get private care or be committed to an institution.? These are tough choices but you have to find out the source of your discontentment. I think you might be just tired of taking care of your husband. Looking after a sick person is tiring and takes a lot out of us. Are you eating properly, getting the required rest, do you have help for you to take some time for yourself, hang out with your girlfriends etc. You do not have to be a martyr. Take time for yourself, go away for a short vacation somewhere fun – this will help put things in perspective for you and give you a break. I think talking to a counsellor or social worker will be very helpful in assisting you to sort out your feelings. Let me know what you decide and we can talk again.
