My mom makes me angry

Dear globalcounselor:

I am 21 year old and an only son. I have a very good and caring mom whom I love a lot.  I’m having a hard time getting her to understand that I am a grown man. She insists on wanting to know where I go and when I will be back and demands that I give her phone numbers of my friends in case something happens to me.

My mom is a single parent – has never been married and I am all she has but her love is strangling me because I feel she expects too much from me. I am struggling to find myself and learn how to be a man without the benefit of any strong male role models. I am blessed with great friends who are like the brothers I never had and I spend a lot of time with them. I do like to drink like most people my age but I am responsible. I do not drink and drive.  Whenever I drink I sleep over at my friend’s place.  I am not home for the “family” meals a lot. I go to university, work and socialize with friends when I get the time. This makes my mom mad. One day I came home and heard her talking bad about me to one of her friends – she was telling them that I am an alcoholic and I yelled at my mom. I feel terrible. I’ve never yelled at my mom before and there is now some strangeness between us.  I’ve apologized but it still does not feel right. How can I mend the fence. I love my mom but I felt she went too far with her suspicions.

Saddened

Dear saddened:

Being an only child can be a blessing and a burden.  Parents do the things they do because they love their children and it is hard for some parents to let go of the control they have over their children and I think the push and pull dance parents and children go through is a natural rite of passage.  Some parents learn this lesson the hard way but they learn.  However, having said that,  it would be nice if you could show a little more sensitivity and make special time for you and your mom – maybe once a month make it a point to have dinner with her or go out somewhere for breakfast. It will make the transition a little easier.

   Your mom being a single parent does not have a father to discuss her concerns and fears about you so her friends become that sounding board. I am sure she was speaking to someone she could trust and someone who would not judge you harshly. Don’t hold it against your mom, try to put yourself in her shoes if you can. You’ve apologized and it’s normal for some strangeness to occur after a child has done what they consider a wrongdoing for the first time. That’ll blow over and your mom will get over it. Parents love their children to their fault.  Keep the lines of communication open and move on.  This is all part of you becoming a man and knowing when you’ve crossed a line. Good luck.