What is an open marriage?

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 55 year old married woman with children and grandchildren. Both my husband and I appear younger than we are because we are fortunate to have some money and have taken care of ourselves or have others take care of us. Recently, my husband has been harping about open marriage and that we should have an open marriage. Frankly, I thought we had an open marriage all the time because we are straight talking people. If something does not sit right with anyone of us we thrash it to bits. I did not think much about open marriage until I read something in the papers that talked about the secret of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett’s marriage is that they have an “open marriage” and there was the suggestion that they can have intimate relationship with people outside the marriage providing it is approved by either party. This is ridiculous. I could never go for something like this. I could never imagine my husband consciously going after another woman. That to me is a betrayal of our marriage vows.  I always thought we were happy. We had a healthy sexual relationship until a few years back when I had to have a hysterectomy because of female problems. Since then I have not had the urge for the kind of intimacy we had before. Could my husband now want to bale out onme for another woman? I am scared and hurt at the same time. I cannot see my life without him. Should I broach the subject to him again to clarify what he means by an open marriage or should I let sleeping dogs lie. I know I am going to be watching him like a hawk now and I will suspect any and everything.  Open marriage? no way.

No to open marriage

Dear no to open marriage:

An open marriage in my understanding is being open to sleep with other people while maintaining the integrity of the marriage. It is something that both partners have to be committed to or it could threaten the marriage. The question is would you prefer your partner to have an outside relationship in secrecy? Would you leave your partner if he commits adultery? You said that you are not as intimate as before. Perhaps your husband needs an outlet that you cannot provide and this is his way of keeping his marriage in tack while satisfying a need. I have not done any research into this topic to find out the  rate of success of such relationships but I believe it depends on a person’s values, their willingness to be open about the possibility, perhaps give it a try for a three to six months period and see how it works.  This is a new territory for me. I think it has to do with what you are comfortable with.

I would however, encourage you to have an open conversation about “open marriage” to see if you and your husband are on the same page. Get it out in the open thrash it and who knows what changes might occur either way. Is he prepared to lose you for a night with someone else’s wife or someone else? Are you prepared to call it a day if you cannot see eye to eye on this. This is a challenge that I encourage you to look at as an opportunity to grow as a couple. Listen carefully for the over riding interest behind this idea. And try not to be too suspicious, that in itself is very bad for a marriage. You have to trust until you have a reason not to. Talking will help with this as well.  Good luck.