What goes around comes around

 

What goes around comes around is not a new insight. It is something

most of us intuitively know but easily forget, as we attempt to hold

on to most things which come to us. What we don’t realise is the

ripple effect can easily become the cripple effect. Everything we

think and do not only ripples out into the world, it also creates an

impression on our own consciousness inside. If one day you decide to

get really angry (very unrelaxing) at someone, then you create a

memory of your irritation and carve a kind of scar or groove on your

consciousness (non-physical of course). Within this scar or groove is

a recording of the image of the person as you have decided to perceive

them, and the energy of your anger surrounding that image. Remember,

you put it there, not them. Two days later you see the same person and

that triggers the image and the anger which you have already recorded

within. The emotional turbulence inside your consciousness makes it

very hard for you to remain positive, connect and communicate

effectively, positively and harmoniously with them. In effect you are

crippled and clouded by your own emotion. Most of us experience this,

sometimes many times a day, but refuse to see that we cripple

ourselves, preferring to blame the other person. Which is why we can

stay crippled for a long time and not even realise it.

(relax.com)

My boyfriend is crazy

Dear globalcounselor,

I have been divorced for 10 years.  I have recovered from the abuse I endured and ready to start a new relationship.  I started looking for a new partner from among my previous boyfriends instead of seeking new horizons.  I bumped into a childhood boyfriend who was crazy about me. He was unattached and so was I. We met briefly in the airport on a trip back home in Tobago. We exchanged numbers and started a flurry of email and phone calls for about a year before I summoned the courage to tell him I would like to visit him in New York. He made a lot of excuses which appeared plausible because he said his job involved a lot of travel. Anyway, we agreed on a date and I was so excited to see him and get reacquainted for real because I was conjuring up all kinds of romantic ideals about him based on my knowledge of him.  I could hardly contain my runaway imagination.  To my horror, when I arrived at his place I saw a man who was obviously a mentally ill person.  The place was upside down, the sink was high with dirty dishes and he was dishevelled and smelly. I ran out of the house and he did not even try to stop me and got the first plane back to Toronto.  I do not know how I could have missed all the signs in the emails and phone calls.  There were signs of disconnect but I chose not see them because I wanted a relationship so badly. I would like to warn other women and mento tread cautiously with people and to try and read between the lines of conversations and emails for inconsistencies.  There are always signs to be seen but which we choose to ignore at our own peril.  I feel badly about running out the apartment the way I did. I feel I should have shown more compassion but I could not because he was not my prince chrming, you see.

Broken hearted

Dear broken-hearted,

It happens to the best of us. We see and turn away in the hope  that the bad scene will all disappear.  People change sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. As we get older we collect illnesses as well other disabilities, most of which are no fault of our own.  Your boyfriend is not responsible for your imagination.  Perhaps he stopped taking his medication a week before you arrived so as to be fully himself and gave his mental illness the opportunity to flourish.  Imagination is great but must be tempered with a dose of reality.  Perhaps he should have been honest with you and tell  you that he suffers from a mental illness but we all know that taboo. Once he had told you you  probably would have gone running in the other direction just as you did. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope others learn from it and I hope you find the man – forget about prince charming – that suits you.

My boyfriend wants to break up with me because his parents do not like me

Dear globalcounselor,

I am  a 16 year old Black girl from Africa.  My boyfriend is 17 years old Pakistani Canadian.  We met in school and fell in love and have been seeing each other for the past year.  recently, he stopped calling and was avoiding me at school.  I caught up with him and asked him what I did, why was he avoiding me. He said he was busy with school and have a lot of stuff on his mind. I did not accept that because if he had a lot of stuff he would have told me so as he did in the past so I pressed him to level with me, I can handle it. He then told me that his parents did not like the fact that he was going out with a girl from a different race and that he should stop it now before it gets out of hand.  I could not believe what I was hearing. I felt so terrible and hurt inside. Was it because I am black? Would they have said the same thing if he had a white girlfriend, though of a different race?  I could not help feeling so bad about myself.  He apologized and said maybe some day and that if it was any consolation, he said he could not love anyone more than he loved me but he had to listen to his mother. That it is just the way the culture works.  I didn’t know what to say. I just walked away and started to cry.

So sad.

Dear So sad,

Chin up, it’s not the end of the world. It’s an encounter with racism and discrimination. There are some cultures who do not want their children to intermarry with anyone least of all with a black person.  Your boyfriend happens to be traditional in that he listens to the dictates of his parents and perhaps one day they will return to India or Pakistan and find a nice girl from him from a similar background. Whether he is in love with her or not is not of importance.  Not all cultures place a high premium on romantic love.  Some cultures like the Pakistani culture believe in arranged marriage.  I hope that one day people will come to embrace Canadian multiculturalism fully and break  down barriers such as the one facing you and your boyfriend.  You will grow from this experience and unfortunately learn about the racism and ethnocentrism that are still with us.  You are young and just beginning to explore relationship, there is the perfect person for you out there and he will show up at the right time.  Good luck with your future relationship.

Divorce sucks

Dear globalcounselor,

I am single again after being married to the love of my life for more than 15 years. I am 41 years old now. My divorce became final three months ago putting the last nail in the coffin of my dream of  getting back together with my husband.  For him it is over. He is just not into me anymore and I do not know why.   He said he just fell out of love and that it is nothing I did.  I don’t know how to go on because my identity came from being a wife and a mother. We have two teenage children. I  do not feel like getting out of bed most days. I cry a lot and is struggling to find reason or joy in living. My children are mad at me for being so miserable all of the time. I want to feel better. I wretch inside just thinking of MY husband with another woman. He belongs to me. We made a sacred vow. Doesn’t promises count for anything anymore?  Please help me.

Bitter

Dear Bitter,

Breaking up is always hard to do but it happens.  Sometimes we do not get everything we want and that’s life. You cannot control your ex’s feelings but you can conntrol your own. If you need help,  find a good counsellor and work your way back to health.  You will be stronger if you allow yourself  and make the decision to get better.  Would you want to be with someone who does not find you attractive or do not love you anymore?  I cannot think of a greater hell.  You have to realize that your husband’s defection is not a reflection of you but of the kind of person he is.  Maybe he is a great guy but not just into you right now.  You have to accept that and move on.  The quicker you get  yourself together, the quicker you will meet the person who thinks you are the best thing that happened to him or her.

Pet comes between friendship

Pet peeve:

Recently my very good friend bought a dog.  At first she treated the dog like a typical dog and she left him home by himself when we had to go for coffee. In the past few weeks my friend has become more attached to this little dog and cannot seem to go anywhere without it.  She wants to take him in restaurants and when she is ordered out with the dog she calls the waiters stupid and feels very offended.  I tried to talk to her about separating herself from the dog. People do not even carry their little babies everywhere like that. She just don’t get it.

I moved into my new apartment and bought my new rug and my friend came over to see my apartment and without even asking me brought the dog over. As soon as I saw the dog I felt violated but I thought I put up with it for this one time. She told me the dog was trained but the dog peed on my new carpet and I was mad as hell. She started yelling at the dog and I felt that was unfair to the dog since it’s what dogs do, they are not human beings.  The next thing she did was to take down one of my bowls to feed the dog water and I told her promptly that she could take the bowl as I would never eat out of a bowl that is used for a dog and she was offended.  I asked her not to bring the dog back to the house because it’s not something that I like at all.  My friend was shocked and hurt because ot if but I felt if we are to continue our friendship I had to be honest.  Do you think I did the right thing. My friend appears to be giving me the cold treatment.

Addicted to dog

Dear Addicted to dog,

Your friend will get over it if she is a friend as you say. You did the right thing by being honest. Your friend had no right taking such liberties such as bringing her dog over to your apartment especially as it appears you do not have any pets and reaching into your cup board to take your good bowl to feed her dog – how rude!

  Pet lovers must have consideration for those who do not share their passion and if they can’t well it’s natural someone has to tell them in plain language to get lost with their pet.

 

I met someone online

Dear globalcounselor,

I recently met someone through the internet.  I have told none of my friends. I’m a little shy about the way we met. I know many people do it, but it’s so planned that I feel people will think that I am desperate.  I am not desperate but I am tired of being on my own.  I just need a bit of companionship, someone to go to the movies with, or a little dance or something like that.  I am 55 and the man I met is a few years younger than be but it is not obvious.  He seems like a very nice person. We have been out on four dates all in public places during the day or early evening. I am a bit nervous after hearing some of the horror stories about on-line dating.  What advice can you give me on when to take this relationship  to the next level e.g. inviting him home to my place.  He has not invited me to his place either. Maybe we are both cautious people.

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

You are doing the right thing – take this nice and slow. If he is for real he’ll be patient with you.  I am surprised he has not invited you to his home. Does he have a home or is he living under a bridge (lol)?  When you are comfortable you will open up yourself more to him. In the meantime, ask questions during conversation e.g. if he talks about his job, check it out to make sure it is true. Ask about his family and close friends – these are areas.  The fact is most people are honest but the few bad ones makes it hard for us to trust.  Follow your instinct.

My girlfriends are letting me down

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 65 years old Caribbean woman, divorced. My children are all grown up and I am alone at home. I reach out to my female friends and offer them the comfort of my home and cooking. I bend over backwards to please them and be there for them when they are down and lonely. Recently I had an accident and was house bound for a few months. I’ve been calling some of my so-called friends and have not been getting any replies. I feel so hurt and alone.  How can we women treat each other so badly. They are like fair-weather friends. Once I can cook and they can come and eat. It’s alright but when I need something from them, no body is there.  I am a human being and I have feelings too. I am sad and hurt.

 

Dear sad and alone,

Now you know that these were not your good friends or maybe you expect too much from them.   Friends are there when you are in need especially when you are sick. I think you have to find yourself some new friends. I hope things improve for you my dear.  Not all women are like. Some are just users and it seems like you’ve had some of them.

Unrequited love

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 32 years old, never married and am recently out of a long term relationship.  There is a man in my office, he is married but I am heels over head in love with him. I am not sure if he knows the way I feel but whenever I bump into him or sit next to him in a meeting, I feel so naked – like everyone is reading my thoughts. I know I should not have these thoughts especially since he is a married man but it’s like something has taken hold of my sense and I’ve lost control.  I heard that it is foolish to have an office relationship because if things get sour, they’re always there as a reminder. I don’t know what to do? Should I leave my job? get my head examined? How can I get this man out of my head or fantasy. I’m totally confused.

Confused

Dear confused:

Stop your fantasy and find an available man. This is a married man. Are you afraid of commitment? Is it fear that’s leading you down this path that surely will lead to another heart break.  It’s okay to have fantasies, it’s another thing to act on them. We all fantasize about our favourite movies stars or singers, whoever but that’s where it ends. 

Having a relationship with a co-worker or boss is a career limiting move (CLAM). When that relationship ends and it ends, if you are on the lower end of the totem pole, you may have to kiss your job goodbye.  Is the risk worth the short term gain you may have. I don’t think so.

Worried about my daughter

Dear globalcounselor,

My daughter is 28 years old. She has one divorce under her belt, one failed relationship after that and is in another relationship.  I think she is jumping around too much and not giving herself enough time to grieve over the loss of her husband which I believe was a big blow to her ego and self-esteem.

He was the love of her life and after 5 years the marriage ended. He just wanted out and she was not ready. I think she sees the failure as a failure in herself.  I told her to seek counselling but refused. How can I help her see that she is just making things worst for herself by jumping from one relationship to another.  I am worried she may have a total melt down and then what?

Worried mom:

Sometimes that’s what it takes to make a person stop running. She has to be stopped in her track and most times, let’s face it, children do not listen to parents. They will do what they have to do.  My advice to you is to be there for her, to support her through this difficult times.  Give her unconditional love and let her know that you are the one person she can count on.  She will find her way. Keep the lines of communication open, not with scoldings and judgements – that will push her away – but with love and compassion and prayers. Give her lots of hugs, if she will let you.   Losing the love of your life is hard and people do what they can to survive.

My mother is a nag

Dear globalcounselor,

I am 24 years old, a professional teacher and have never  been in trouble with the law but my mother always seem to think that I am doing something wrong because I do not do exactly what she tells me to do.  I keep telling her I do not need her advice and that when I need it, I will let her know.  She wants to run my life and I find it difficult to have a conversation with her because it becomes like a drill. What did I do? Who did I do it with? How much I had to drink? Did I drink and drive? and “I wish you would not spend so much time with so and so and more time with so and so and yes, call your cousin because he just bought a new car. Enough already.  I am sometimes very rude to my mom and I know I hurt her but I don’t know how else to deal with her.  She is driving me nuts.

Help me

Dear help me,

She does sound like a mother from hell.  I am sure she cannot help herself. My advice to you and to people with mothers like the one you described is to just ignore, ignore, ignore.    Some mothers just don’t know when to take a back seat in their grown up children’s lives.  It’s as if they have not noticed that somethings have changed, that they don’t have to change your diapers or wipe your runny nose anymore.

Instead of disrespecting your mother which leaves you feeling crappy, just let her sounds go through one ear and come through the next. Try to develop a sense of humour about it. Maybe she would get the message then.  The focus is how to make yourself not go crazy and still have a relationship with your mother.    When the conversation starts to get wonky, break the cycle – get up, change the subject or answer in one-syllables. Let me know how it’s working! Mothers!