Discrimination in the Workplace

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a newcomer to Canada and am working in a macho male-dominated environment. I am highly educated but because I am a newcomer I cannot find work in my field and so I have to do manual labour to feed my family for the time being. I do not intend to be stuck in this pit, I’d rather return to my country  in West Africa.  I work with a lot of idiots who do not have education but the privilege of being born in a rich country. I am among a handful of minority workers. I feel very uncomfortable working close too white people. I feel their energy is negative towards me. I do not feel safe. They watch me from under neath and whenever I look at them they turn away. I hear comments such as  “too many of these people are coming in”  “we won’t recognize Canada in a few years, it’ll be like a shitty third world country”.  I have heard my co-workers using the word “nigger” in their conversation amongst themselves. It makes my blood boil but I have to be quiet, I have to get my citizenship and think of my family but sometimes I am pushed to the brink. What can I do to contain myself how can I handle this situation”

Disappointed

Dear Disappointed:

There are lots of ignorate people i n the world who needs to be educated and it is not fair that the target of the discrimination should be the ones to constantly educate ignorant people. I know there are many Canadians who embrace diversity, equity and  and human rights ideals who are in the majority.

    What you are experiencing appears to be harassment in the workplace and you do not have to put up with it. You can tell someone e.g. a supervisor or manager to speak to these people  and if they fail you can take your case to the Manitoba Human Rights Commission and they will guide you through the process.

Everyone deserves to work in an environment free from discrimination and harassment and it is the job of the employer to provide such an environment, if not, they are violating the human rights code.  I hope you find some relief through this department.

An Interesting email crossed my desk this morning

Written By: Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.”

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1.  Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2.  When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3.  Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4.  Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5.  Pay off your credit cards every month.

6.  You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7.  Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8.  It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9.  Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10.  When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11.  Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12.  It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13.  Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14.  If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15.  Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16.  Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17.  Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18.  Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19.  It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20.  When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21.  Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22.  Over prepare, and then go with the flow.

23.  Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24.  The most important sex organ is the brain.

25.  No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26.  Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27.  Always choose life.

28.  Forgive everyone everything.

29.  What other people think of you is none of your business.

30.  Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31.  However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32.  Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33.  Believe in miracles.

34.  God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35.  Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36.  Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37.  Your children get only one childhood.

38.  All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39.  Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40.  If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41.  Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42.  The best is yet to come.

43.  No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up..

44.  Yield.

45.  Today isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift – that’s why it’s call the present.

Its estimated 93% won’t forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title ‘7%’.
 
I’m in the 7%.
 
Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.  

My boyfriend wants me to choose

Dear global counselor,

 

I am 25 years old and have been out of a relationship for the past year to get over a relationship that ended in a bad way. I met a nice guy three weeks ago and we have been seeing a lot of each other.  Before I met him, my girlfriends have stood by me and ensure that I was not along. They included me in everything and I appreciate that and I want to continue with my girlfriends. I realize how important it is to have girlfriends – they are there for you long after guys leave and are a very important relationship for any woman. My new boyfriend gets angry when I take time to spend with my girlfriends. He keeps saying I have a boyfriend now and I have to put aside my girlfriends.  He said they would understand.  He said we have a life to build together. He said if I wanted him to stick around, I would have to see less of my girlfriends. I am so hurt and confused. I like him but he’s given me a choice to make that I can’t make. I will not give up my girlfriends.

Am I being selfish, am I being stupid to risk losing a wonderful guy?  I feel my boyfriend is trying to control me and that bugs me.

Bugout.

 

Dear bugout,

I would bid the young man adieu. He clearly does not respect your feelings and he is trying to control what you do and who you see.  I happen to agree with you that girlfriends are important.  Man cannot live by bread alone; you cannot survive only on the love of one man.  If he truly loved and respect you he would try and find a way for you to be with him and accommodate your needs to be with your girlfriends. In time you yourself might decide to limit your time with your girlfriends as you spend more time with him but if he is going to demand, I can see why you are resisting. No one likes to be told what to do and when to do it. This man spells trouble to me. He is an abuser in the making. Let him go.

I feel the loss of Michael Jackson

Dear globalcounselor,

I can’t seem to stop crying for Michael Jackson. I feel so stupid because I do not know this man, I know and love his music but I am so saddened by this sudden death.  I was so happy when I heard that he was planning a comeback and he never got a chance to prove himself. I also wanted him to prove that all those child abuse charges were all lies. How can people defile a person like that when there is no proof. Don’t you think someone would have found him guilty if he had done wrong? Is our justice system so incompetent that Michael has gotten off on all counts? Why do people want to hurt him when his love for children is innocent.  I hope that he has left something behind that will finally clear his name because no one has beaten MJ on the pop charts and from what I heard on the news he might break his own record now that he is dead. People are buying his cds in record number. He was a good person with a kind heart.  I don’t know why I write but I had to get my two-cents bit in the mix.

Grieving

Dear Grieving,

You are not alone in your grief. Millions of people out there are in the same boat. They cannot believe that one of the most important iconic figures of our time has passed away so suddenly.  Sometimes we forget that these rockstars are human beings and subject to the same rules as any one of us.  Their stardom does not give them any special powers or anything.  As for Michael alleged child abuse, he was proven innocent by a court of law. We have to accept that. Perhaps one day the truth if there is a different truth will come to light.  In the meantime, you hold on to the higher self of your pop idol.  Maybe as Deepak Chopra has said, he is just a misunderstood genius.  Read the tribute for yourself – others thought highly of him too!

Michael and his friend Deepak

Deepak Chopra: A Tribute to My Friend, Michael Jackson

My husband has become a control freak

Dear globalcounselor,

Last year I had a stroke. As a result of my stroke I have lost some of my long term memory.  My husband is a health nut and someone I think he blames me for being sick. He keeps telling me that I have to eat properly, eat more vegetables and take better care of myself.  We are immigrants from China and have no relatives here. Our children have grown up and are about to leave home to find their own way in life. I believe that my husband is afraid that something will happen to me and that he will be alone.   He would not admit to that but I am getting sick and tired of his controlling behaviour. I am seriously thinking of leaving him because I cannot live this way. I cannot be told everytime what to do and how to take care of myself.  Last evening I was coughing a bit, my husband was upset with me. he tells me I should drink plenty of water. I get so angry with him. How can I get my husband to understand that he is driving a wedge between us and one day he will push me too far.

Tired

Dear tired,

Your husband is obviously trying to project his fears upon you and to use it to control you as if by doing that he can control your destiny.   Tell your husband that he has his own life to worry about and while you appreciate his concern, his constant hovering over you is driving you nuts and if he does not stop this behaviour you will have to leave the marital home.  Help him to understand that you care about your life and you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

 

What should I do with my bully?

My son is a bully and I want help. How can I stop him.

For those who wait for Mother’s Day

This came into my email and it’s a keeper. I hope it inspires you to reach out and touch those you love in special ways.

BEING A MOTHER… After 17 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, ‘I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.’ * * * The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been alone for 20 years, but the demands of my work and my two boys had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. * * * That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. * * * ‘What’s wrong, aren’t you well,’ she asked? * * * My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. * * * ‘I thought it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,’ I responded. ‘Just the two of us.’ She thought about it for a moment, and then said, ‘I would like that very much.’ * * * That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last birthday on November 19th. * * * She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. ‘I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,’ she said, as she got into that new white van. ‘They can’t wait to hear about our date’. * * * We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. ‘It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,’ she said. ‘Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,’ I responded. * * * During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation- -nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. * * * As we arrived at her house later, she said, ‘I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.’ I agreed. * * * ‘How was your dinner date?’ asked my wife when I got home. ‘Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,’ I  answered. * * * A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. * * * Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: ‘I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.’ * * * At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: ‘I LOVE YOU’ and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. G ive them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till ’some other time.’ * * * Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you’ve had a baby…… somebody doesn’t know that once you’re a mother, ‘normal’ is  history. * * * Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct … somebody never took a three-year-old shopping. * * * Somebody said being a mother is boring …. somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver’s permit. Somebody said if you’re a’good’ mother, your child will ‘turn out good’…. somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.. * * * Somebody said you don’t need an education to be a mother…. somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math. * * * Somebody said you can’t love the second child as much as you love the first …. somebody doesn’t have two children. * * * Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery…. somebody never watched her ‘baby’ get on the bus for the first day of  kindergarten … or on a plane headed for military ‘boot camp..’ * * * Some body said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married….somebody doesn’t know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother’s heartstrings. * * * Somebody said a mother’s job is done when her last child leaves home…. somebody never had grandchildren. * * * Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don’t need to tell her…. somebody isn’t a mother.

How to speak about sexual abuse to my child?

Dear globalcounselor,

I was sexually abused as a child and now that I have a daughter I am paranoid and I want to protect her all the time from potential predators. I trust no man, not even my father or brother. Isn’t that  weird? My father and brother are good people but they are men. How do I do this without making my daughter hate men?

paranoid

Dear paranoid,

Sexual Abuse is one of the most difficult topics to discuss or explain to children. In doing so, it is important to distinguish natural healthy curiosity and childhood sex play from exploitative behaviour.  Most early childhood sex play takes place between mixed gender friends of similar age  when both or all are willing participants.  It’s usually light hearted and untainted by fear or shame.  When an older more powerful person forces a child to engage in sexual activity this is not sex play.  It’s sexual abuse.
  To help children distinguish playful sexual exploration from potentially abusive situations, parents can explain the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touches. 
Tips for communicating with your child:
- Teach proper scientific names for all body parts.
- Stay open to questions making sure the child knows you’re willing to listen.
- Take questions seriously and answer in age appropriate detail that the child can understand.
- Be honest
- Take your time and don’t jump to conclusions.

What is love?

Dear globalcounselor,
 What is love and how do you know when someone really loves you? I have not found a definitive answer to either of these questions because every time I feel I’ve finally got it, it slips away from me.
 curious george

Dear curious george
  Love is an ideal to which we strive.  Boy-girl love is one attribute of what we call love because loving is a selfless, caring thing. You only want to be nice and to please, it brings with it a feeling of renewed energy and sunshine and you feel you can conquer the world. It is when you can easily forgive someone who has wronged you and not keep a running tab or what the person has done and has not done. It is giving of the self and being present with that person, laughing at silly things and turning the ordinary walk in the ordinary park into walking in an enchanted garden surrounded by singing angels. It’s a feeling out of this world.
  Love is when simple pleasures transforms into something special when you’re with that someone. I think you know you’re in love or that person loves you when you bring out the best in each other.

Simply put love is total acceptance of another, warts and all.

 

My weight is bearing down on me

Dear globalcounselor,
I’m 15 years old.  My problem is that I feel very bad about the way I look. I feel fat and ugly.  My friends and family reassure me that I am good looking and not overweight but whenever I look in the mirror I see a lot of negative things about myself.  What can I do to change this behaviour. I am tired of feeling so down.

Dear Feeling so Down,
  There are many young girls who feel exactly the way you do. I think the media pressure to be thin has had a bad influence on women and especially young girls like yourself.
   Sometimes the feeling we have about ourselves is a symptom of some other issue we are facing. I suggest you talk to your school counsellor and perhaps you could be referred to an appropriate service. I want you to know that you are not alone. It is a societal problem and if your family and friends tell you that you’re okay perhaps you can pretend they are telling the truth and go with that.  Good luck.

 

Dear globalcounselor,
  I am 16 years old. I had a boyfriend who is three years older than I am.  He is very nice and caring but I don’t feel as if I am ready for a steady boyfriend. I want to take things easy but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  He is quite serious and very intelligent. I am so confused because I like him but I don’t want to be serious. Confused.

Dear Confused,
I think in this case honest would be the best policy. Talk to your boyfriend and express how you feel. Tell him you are not ready for any big commitment and how would he feel about giving you the time and space you need to grow up.
  At 16 it’s difficult to know what you want.  Let him decide what’s best for him. You have to be prepared that he might want to call it quits.
  I know that once you tell it like it is you will feel much better and there will be greater understanding between the two of you if he is intelligent as you say he is.
  The truth never hurts when told up front but it does hurt if you tell only when caught.