My girlfriends are letting me down
Dear globalcounselor,
I am 65 years old Caribbean woman, divorced. My children are all grown up and I am alone at home. I reach out to my female friends and offer them the comfort of my home and cooking. I bend over backwards to please them and be there for them when they are down and lonely. Recently I had an accident and was house bound for a few months. I’ve been calling some of my so-called friends and have not been getting any replies. I feel so hurt and alone. How can we women treat each other so badly. They are like fair-weather friends. Once I can cook and they can come and eat. It’s alright but when I need something from them, no body is there. I am a human being and I have feelings too. I am sad and hurt.
Dear sad and alone,
Now you know that these were not your good friends or maybe you expect too much from them. Friends are there when you are in need especially when you are sick. I think you have to find yourself some new friends. I hope things improve for you my dear. Not all women are like. Some are just users and it seems like you’ve had some of them.
Add comment September 21, 2009
Unrequited love
Dear globalcounselor,
I am 32 years old, never married and am recently out of a long term relationship. There is a man in my office, he is married but I am heels over head in love with him. I am not sure if he knows the way I feel but whenever I bump into him or sit next to him in a meeting, I feel so naked – like everyone is reading my thoughts. I know I should not have these thoughts especially since he is a married man but it’s like something has taken hold of my sense and I’ve lost control. I heard that it is foolish to have an office relationship because if things get sour, they’re always there as a reminder. I don’t know what to do? Should I leave my job? get my head examined? How can I get this man out of my head or fantasy. I’m totally confused.
Confused
Dear confused:
Stop your fantasy and find an available man. This is a married man. Are you afraid of commitment? Is it fear that’s leading you down this path that surely will lead to another heart break. It’s okay to have fantasies, it’s another thing to act on them. We all fantasize about our favourite movies stars or singers, whoever but that’s where it ends.
Having a relationship with a co-worker or boss is a career limiting move (CLAM). When that relationship ends and it ends, if you are on the lower end of the totem pole, you may have to kiss your job goodbye. Is the risk worth the short term gain you may have. I don’t think so.
Add comment September 19, 2009
Worried about my daughter
Dear globalcounselor,
My daughter is 28 years old. She has one divorce under her belt, one failed relationship after that and is in another relationship. I think she is jumping around too much and not giving herself enough time to grieve over the loss of her husband which I believe was a big blow to her ego and self-esteem.
He was the love of her life and after 5 years the marriage ended. He just wanted out and she was not ready. I think she sees the failure as a failure in herself. I told her to seek counselling but refused. How can I help her see that she is just making things worst for herself by jumping from one relationship to another. I am worried she may have a total melt down and then what?
Worried mom:
Sometimes that’s what it takes to make a person stop running. She has to be stopped in her track and most times, let’s face it, children do not listen to parents. They will do what they have to do. My advice to you is to be there for her, to support her through this difficult times. Give her unconditional love and let her know that you are the one person she can count on. She will find her way. Keep the lines of communication open, not with scoldings and judgements – that will push her away – but with love and compassion and prayers. Give her lots of hugs, if she will let you. Losing the love of your life is hard and people do what they can to survive.
Add comment September 19, 2009
My mother is a nag
Dear globalcounselor,
I am 24 years old, a professional teacher and have never been in trouble with the law but my mother always seem to think that I am doing something wrong because I do not do exactly what she tells me to do. I keep telling her I do not need her advice and that when I need it, I will let her know. She wants to run my life and I find it difficult to have a conversation with her because it becomes like a drill. What did I do? Who did I do it with? How much I had to drink? Did I drink and drive? and “I wish you would not spend so much time with so and so and more time with so and so and yes, call your cousin because he just bought a new car. Enough already. I am sometimes very rude to my mom and I know I hurt her but I don’t know how else to deal with her. She is driving me nuts.
Help me
Dear help me,
She does sound like a mother from hell. I am sure she cannot help herself. My advice to you and to people with mothers like the one you described is to just ignore, ignore, ignore. Some mothers just don’t know when to take a back seat in their grown up children’s lives. It’s as if they have not noticed that somethings have changed, that they don’t have to change your diapers or wipe your runny nose anymore.
Instead of disrespecting your mother which leaves you feeling crappy, just let her sounds go through one ear and come through the next. Try to develop a sense of humour about it. Maybe she would get the message then. The focus is how to make yourself not go crazy and still have a relationship with your mother. When the conversation starts to get wonky, break the cycle – get up, change the subject or answer in one-syllables. Let me know how it’s working! Mothers!
Add comment September 19, 2009
My boyfriend is too religious
Dear globalcounselor,
I met the perfect boyfriend. He is considerate, kind and vry easy going but every second word out of his mouth is about God and Jesus. He is a born-again Christian. It’s like he cannot think for himself. He has tried to invite me to Church many times but I have refused as I do not want to give him the impression that I will become a Christian. I believe in Jesus’ message but my idea of religion and spirituality is a little broader than my boyfriend’s.
I like spending time with him but am concerned that I might be wasting my time because in the end he might opt for a Christian girl or I might find his religiosity too stifling, but I am not ready to accept defeat as yet. I have no blinders on. I know a person’s values and beliefs are sometimes and rightly so, should be non-negotiatiable and I hve to say I do respect him but I must admit that such dogmatism can be boring and lead to serious conflict in a long term relationship. Am I being a fool to continue with this?
foolhardy
Dear foolhardy,
You appear to have your own answer. When a person accepts the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ as their personal savior, they develop a relationship with Him and follow the Bible to the letter. If you are not a Christian who is born again, it will be difficult for you to sustain a conversation with him when everything you say he has the perfect answer from the Bible and sometimes the answer can appear to be irrational but when one has beliefs and faith it is difficult to argue against such irrationality. My advice to you is to seriously consider yourself 5 years from now, in this relationship – he off to Church, praying at the drop of a hat and expects you to do the same. What kind of life do you forsee? Are you open to be co-opted on the Jesus train? If you are well there may be some hope but if you you are not, I say get the hell out of that relationship now before its too late.
Add comment September 9, 2009
Pet Peeved
Recently my very good friend bought a dog. At first she treated the dog like a typical dog and she left him home by himself when we had to go for coffee. In the past few weeks my friend has become more attached to this little dog and cannot seem to go anywhere without it. She wants to take him in restaurants and when she is ordered out with the dog she calls the waiters stupid and feels very offended. I tried to talk to her about separating herself from the dog. People do not even carry their little babies everywhere like that. She just don’t get it.
I moved into my new apartment and bought my new rug and my friend came over to see my apartment and without even asking me brought the dog over. As soon as I saw the dog I felt violated but I thought I put up with it for this one time. She told me the dog was trained but the dog peed on my new carpet and I was mad as hell. She started yelling at the dog and I felt that was unfair to the dog since it’s what dogs do, they are not human beings. The next thing she did was to take down one of my bowls to feed the dog water and I told her promptly that she could take the bowl as I would never eat out of a bowl that is used for a dog and she was offended. I asked her not to bring the dog back to the house because it’s not something that I like at all. My friend was shocked and hurt because ot if but I felt if we are to continue our friendship I had to be honest. Do you think I did the right thing. My friend appears to be giving me the cold treatment.
Addicted to dog
Dear Addicted to dog,
Your friend will get over it if she is a friend as you say. You did the right thing by being honest. Your friend had no right taking such liberties such as bringing her dog over to your apartment especially as it appears you do not have any pets and reaching into your cup board to take your good bowl to feed her dog – how rude!
Pet lovers must have consideration for those who do not share their passion and if they can’t well it’s natural someone has to tell them in plain language to get lost with their pet.
Add comment September 9, 2009
Discrimination in the Workplace
Dear globalcounselor,
I am a newcomer to Canada and am working in a macho male-dominated environment. I am highly educated but because I am a newcomer I cannot find work in my field and so I have to do manual labour to feed my family for the time being. I do not intend to be stuck in this pit, I’d rather return to my country in West Africa. I work with a lot of idiots who do not have education but the privilege of being born in a rich country. I am among a handful of minority workers. I feel very uncomfortable working close too white people. I feel their energy is negative towards me. I do not feel safe. They watch me from under neath and whenever I look at them they turn away. I hear comments such as “too many of these people are coming in” “we won’t recognize Canada in a few years, it’ll be like a shitty third world country”. I have heard my co-workers using the word “nigger” in their conversation amongst themselves. It makes my blood boil but I have to be quiet, I have to get my citizenship and think of my family but sometimes I am pushed to the brink. What can I do to contain myself how can I handle this situation”
Disappointed
Dear Disappointed:
There are lots of ignorate people i n the world who needs to be educated and it is not fair that the target of the discrimination should be the ones to constantly educate ignorant people. I know there are many Canadians who embrace diversity, equity and and human rights ideals who are in the majority.
What you are experiencing appears to be harassment in the workplace and you do not have to put up with it. You can tell someone e.g. a supervisor or manager to speak to these people and if they fail you can take your case to the Manitoba Human Rights Commission and they will guide you through the process.
Everyone deserves to work in an environment free from discrimination and harassment and it is the job of the employer to provide such an environment, if not, they are violating the human rights code. I hope you find some relief through this department.
Add comment July 10, 2009
An Interesting email crossed my desk this morning
Written By: Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.”
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up..
44. Yield.
45. Today isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift – that’s why it’s call the present.
Its estimated 93% won’t forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title ‘7%’.
I’m in the 7%.
Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.
Add comment July 9, 2009
My boyfriend wants me to choose
Dear global counselor,
I am 25 years old and have been out of a relationship for the past year to get over a relationship that ended in a bad way. I met a nice guy three weeks ago and we have been seeing a lot of each other. Before I met him, my girlfriends have stood by me and ensure that I was not along. They included me in everything and I appreciate that and I want to continue with my girlfriends. I realize how important it is to have girlfriends – they are there for you long after guys leave and are a very important relationship for any woman. My new boyfriend gets angry when I take time to spend with my girlfriends. He keeps saying I have a boyfriend now and I have to put aside my girlfriends. He said they would understand. He said we have a life to build together. He said if I wanted him to stick around, I would have to see less of my girlfriends. I am so hurt and confused. I like him but he’s given me a choice to make that I can’t make. I will not give up my girlfriends.
Am I being selfish, am I being stupid to risk losing a wonderful guy? I feel my boyfriend is trying to control me and that bugs me.
Bugout.
Dear bugout,
I would bid the young man adieu. He clearly does not respect your feelings and he is trying to control what you do and who you see. I happen to agree with you that girlfriends are important. Man cannot live by bread alone; you cannot survive only on the love of one man. If he truly loved and respect you he would try and find a way for you to be with him and accommodate your needs to be with your girlfriends. In time you yourself might decide to limit your time with your girlfriends as you spend more time with him but if he is going to demand, I can see why you are resisting. No one likes to be told what to do and when to do it. This man spells trouble to me. He is an abuser in the making. Let him go.
Add comment July 3, 2009
