My guilt is killing me slowly

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 58-year-old divorced woman.  I have four children whom I love very much.  My marriage was arranged and was a challenge from day one. I could not walk away because of our East Indian custom. In my community divorce is frowned upon. While a man receives support from the community, women are shunned the most by other women who become like rabid animals.  They give you dirty looks, you stop getting invited to their homes, you are isolate and you begin to withdraw.  My husband was abusive and an alcoholic.  I was so unhappy and I had nowhere to run. My immediate family are all living in the USA and England. I was isolated. I stayed in the marriage until I could not take it anymore.l I asked my husband to leave and he left without giving any support to our children,  I worked two jobs to support my children.    They were left on their own many times.  Unfortunately, my children’s fate seems to follow into my pattern.  My eldest daughter’s marriage ended because of emotional abuse.  My second son’s relationship ended after 4 years and he is left hurt and feeling all alone. My younger daughter is in a faltering relationship and my youngest son, he is the only happy camper in my family.

Globalcounselor, I am feeling like a total failure, I am riddled with guilt and I am at my wit’s end. My job is adding to my already overstressed life.  Some days I feel my head would explode because I have a demanding, overpowering boss.   My question is how can I get rid of feeling so guilty about ruining my children’s lives because of my actions.

guilt-ridden

Dear guiltridden,

Your load is heavy.  You’ve carried it for 25 years.  It’s time to put it down. Put it down today, this minute.  It does not belong to you. You did what you needed to do to survive and that is the cardinal rule.  When you’re in an aeroplane, the hostess will tell you when there is  an emergency landing or cabin pressure drop, place the mask over your nose first before trying to help anyone else. You had a right to take care of yourself and you did that by leaving your husband to save yourself and your children. Who ever told you that you have to stay in a loveless, abusive relationship is wrong. For better or for worse, in sickness or in health, till death do us part, says nothing that you have to stay in an abusive situation. For better or for worse means that if your partner loses his job,  it would be against your vows to leave him.  Together you have to find solutions to keep your family going. Guilt is a stubborn emotion that makes no sense a lot of time yet we feel it deeply. We feel guilt when we feel we have done something terribly wrong and the guilt that tears us up inside is like punishing ourselves for that wrong.  Societies and close-knit communities regularly use guilt and shame to control their members behaviour.  They use guilt to make you feel worthless and a bad person.  It is when you internalized their judgement of you take their side against you and you like them begin to hate yourself.  Do you see where this is going – self-hatred.  If you hate yourself, how can you love your children.  If hatred is what’s inside of you, it is that which will come out.  If you want to live your life fully, you have to find a way to forgive yourself, to embrace yourself love you and all your imperfections.  When you inside that is what will come out and people will be attracted to you. Your perspective will change and you will slowly emerge from the fog of 25 years to reclaim your life from your husband and your community.   Release guilt, forgive yourself, that means give up judging yourself harshly for doing the right thing when you did it.

Life gives us lessons so that we learn and grow; accept them graciously.

Afraid of commitment

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a single white woman in my mid 50’s.  I have been separated from my husband of 15 years.  I have been on my own for about 8 years.  I have had a few relationships during this time – mostly terrible. I feel scarred and jaded.  I was nearly wiped out of my hearth and home by one of these relationships.

I have met a man about three months ago and we have been going pretty steady. He seems to be a man with a mission to get hitched as soon as possible. I am not so sure that I want to get hitched though I like being in a relationship that is together but separate.  I live at my place and he lives at his place. This guy is old-fashioned and he wants me to commit. I realize that we both are mature and don’t want to waste time with relationships that are not in for the long haul. He his subtly pressuring me to move in together, sell our homes and buy one home.  I do not feel ready and whenever the topic comes up I fall silent as if something has hit me on the head and stopped my speech.

This man has been used by women as well.  He wants to be sure that I won’t ditch him after I’ve had my fun with him.  I like this man but I am leery about moving in together, that’s all.  I do not trust myself. I am afraid I will put 100 per cent trust again and I may be disappointed. How can I keep this relationship while maintaining my independent lifestyle.

Leery

Dear Leery,

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to wait and see. Three months is not a long time. If your guy is really into you he will have patience and wait.  Both of you are bringing unnecessary baggage into the relationship.  Leave your past experiences behind. Look at this person as a new person and gauge him with the level of the experience you have accumulated over the years. If it quacks like a duck, then it is a duck, do not go fantasizing about  it being a chicken.  There are not guarantees in life even though we like to think so.  There is no guarantee that after you move in, buy a house together that one of you might conclude that it’s not working out and not worth the heart ache at this stage of your life. You just have to trust the relationship you are in, evaluate it based on what’s showing up and enjoy each other. Things happen when they happen. The most important thing is not setting up shop but enjoying the moments with each other.  Unless either of you is looking for old-age security or something.  Fears take on a life of their own and leave you with nothing.  Be aware of that. Live in the moment. Travel, love, sleep-overs and see what happens.  Don’t be bullied, guilted, or pressured into a relationship when you are not ready. 

I’m feeling restless in my relationship

Dear globalcounselor,

I am a 57-year-old married woman of 35 years.  My husband, God bless him, is the only man I have ever known. We started dating in high school and got married in the middle of college. I became pregnant and had to drop out of my nursing program and we were married. Life has been good to us.  For the most part we have been reasonably happy but as life is becoming a bit stagnant. My hubby is more set in his ways than ever and seems to be unaware of my existence or need for physical contact consumed as he is in his internet buddies.  There is no shortage of internet tidbits or what’s happening in his friends  lives on the net.  He is so engrossed in his “friends on the net”he’ls like a teenager with their first cell phone or iPhone. He is constantly checking his status here and there – things that are totally alien to me.  I pass my time volunteering at the Seniors Centre helping the hungry and homeless people out there.

Recently, I met a man about 10 years my junior who appears to be interested and I have more than a casual interest in this man. We take our coffee breaks together, have wonderful conversations.  A few days ago he put his arms around me as we were both laughing at a joke one of the clients made.  I know it was an innocent act but it felt good. I find myself looking forward to going to volunteering at the Centre so that I could see this man. I felt bad about it and yet I don’t want to stop. I am tempted to have an affair because I am not prepared to leave my husband and give up all that we have.  I don’t feel I will be doing anything hurtful to him because he does not know that I exist anyway.  He is happy with his internet friends and buddies.  Do you think I am a terrible person for even thinking of cheating on my husband?

Terrible

Dear Terrible:

It seems as if you have looked for an escape and you found one.  While there is no harm in flirting, having an all out affair can become much more complicated than it first appears. In most cases women fall much harder for the men and the question of leaving their husbands may come up and if your partner does not want to go that route then you end up feeling hurt and used.  I am not the moral arbiter on this issue.  It’s up to you and what you can live with.  There are known cases where an outside affair serves to strengthen a flagging relationship and in other cases the affair ends a relationship as trust is broken.

You are obviously feeling neglected by your husband. His obsession with the internet has left you out in the cold and your dissatisfaction makes you an easy prey for extramarital affairs.  You have to be certain of what you want and what consequences you are prepared to accept for your action.  On the other hand, you might want to have a serious conversation with your husband and let him know where you’re at.  Such a conversation might wake him up.

I close my ears to protect my lifestyle

Dear globalcounselor,

A few weeks ago my best friend told me that my husband was coming on to her.  She said if he is coming onto her, who is like a sister friend, that he must be cheating on her with other women.   She said it took a lot out of her to tell me because she knew what the risks were in telling me. She said the risk was that I would not believe her and the possible end of our friendship.  It’s exactly what happened. I told my friend that she is jealous of the relationship I have with my husband and that he met both of us the same time. If he were interested in her he would have gone after her instead of me.

Globalcounselor, I blasted my girlfriend to pieces. I told her she is not longer welcome in myh home and friends do not do that to each other. I cried the whole day after we had a falling out because deep, deep, down inside I know instinctually that what myt friend is saying is true.  I felt it a long time that my husband was cheating on me but when I look around at how settled my life is – we have everything, a beautiful home, two cars, two beautiful children, great friends.  Money is not a problem because my husband is a neuroscientist.  I have found phone numbers in his pockets, I have seen lipstick on his clothes and he goes away on weekends on trips with the “boys” which are all symptoms of a cheating spouse.  I had intended to look the other way to safeguard my life and my children.  If I should tell my girlfriend I believed her, then I would be compelled to do something about it.  I am so unhappy but it is difficult to let go. I know I should have a talk with my husband but I am afraid he will tell me that it’s over that he is no longer into me and family life,  I am thinking if I lie low he will come to his senses and change his ways.  What do you think I should do.

Afraid

Dear Afraid,

Sometimes the truth is difficult to hear. But you have said you are not happy.  Are you prepared to live an unhappy life in the hope that your cheating husband would change his ways?  What kind of life is that?  What are you teaching your children by that example?  I think first of all you pick up the phone and call your friend and apologize to her. A good girlfriend is worth a thousand times more than a cheating husband.  girlfriends are there to help you pick up the pieces when your life shatters.  Secondly, have a talk with your husband, tell the truth.  He is who he is and remaining quiet in the hope that he would come to his senses is foolish.  A snake is a snake my child.  A snake might camouflage  himself as a lizard but underneath he is still a snake.  Life is more than stuff and lifestyle. Life is about peace of mind, joy, happiness and contentment. Don’t be seduced by a fancy lifestyle at the expense of your self-worth.  Stand up for yourself.

Religious differences creating problems for me

Dear globalcounselor,

 I am 26 year old and was raised by Baha’i parents. I am not a practicing Baha’i though I believe in the principles of the Faith. It is the only Faith I know, having gone to Baha’i classes and stuff like that when I was a child. But I have listened to some other religious views and I find them quite arcane. I believe the Baha’i faith has the most common sense approach to religion and its principles of Oneness, Unity in Diversity, equality of men and women etc. are all what is needed today and what’s happening. I met a boy who has all the qualifications I needed for a boyfriend, he is smart, kind, respectful and generous but he belongs to the evangelical religion and he is very excited about it and very much involved. He believes in the literal story of Adam and Eve and against homosexuality etc. He is very conservative in his thinking. I find that a problem. He does not see it as a problem. In conversations, his reference point for most ideas comes from the Bible and I’m getting weary of it. Sometimes I feel I should be happy I have found such an upright, clean type of person who does not drink or smoke and sits on a high moral ground. Do you think I am being too rigid or discriminatory or something like that? Please give me your perspective? Undecided

Dear Undecided:

Religion and politics are two areas that people usually have strong emotional attachment to. The beliefs we hold in these areas govern our day to day lives whether we are aware of it or not. I think you have already determined that the relationship would not work out since you are so far apart in your religious beliefs. What kind of a relationship do you foresee if your partner is kept busy with church activities while you remain at home or do something else with other friends? How would you feel when he counters an argument with quotes from the Bible? How would you feel if when you are with friends he comes out with Bible quotes in conversations? Love will not help you unless you are open to giving the religion that he practices a chance. Evangelicals tend to interpret the Bible arguments or discussions will end? Someone may get hurt and or frustrated. I think unless you can honestly compromise your religious beliefs or non-beliefs, the relationship will not be a happy one. Walk away now.

My sister says my boyfriend is mistreating me

Dear globalcounselor,

My boyfriend of three years is beginning to act weird. He claims to love me but does not see our relationship going anywhere in the next little while. He says he does not think he is ready for a long-term relationship because he does not have a steady job and not much to offer any woman.  I felt I have been trying to hold on to this relationship because for some reason I feel addicted to my boyfriend. I really like him.  He has all the qualities I like in a potential partner but I am afraid we have met at the inopportune time.  Deep in my heart I know that I have to let go and move on but on another hand I feel I should stick with him for just a little longer to see if he will have a change of heart.  I can’t imagine life without him at the moment. He did not call on Christmas but showed up the day after with a silly gift.  My sister says he is messinjg with my head. What should I do?

Crazy in love

Dear Crazy in love,

 Get over your boyfriend. He has obviously lost interest in you or the  relationship.  If a man is in love nothing can keep him away from the object of his love.  This is not a judgement against you.  People do fall in and out of love for no obvious reason. Do not feel that it is something you did.  There is no room for wasted guilt.  People are independent actors and they are ruled by their feelings most of the time.  Sometimes it is difficult to let go.  Make a decision to do so and it will happen. Once you make the decision, just look forward to every day.  Imagine your boyfriend looming farther and farther away in the distance as you move forward to the possibilities that await you.

What goes around comes around

 

What goes around comes around is not a new insight. It is something

most of us intuitively know but easily forget, as we attempt to hold

on to most things which come to us. What we don’t realise is the

ripple effect can easily become the cripple effect. Everything we

think and do not only ripples out into the world, it also creates an

impression on our own consciousness inside. If one day you decide to

get really angry (very unrelaxing) at someone, then you create a

memory of your irritation and carve a kind of scar or groove on your

consciousness (non-physical of course). Within this scar or groove is

a recording of the image of the person as you have decided to perceive

them, and the energy of your anger surrounding that image. Remember,

you put it there, not them. Two days later you see the same person and

that triggers the image and the anger which you have already recorded

within. The emotional turbulence inside your consciousness makes it

very hard for you to remain positive, connect and communicate

effectively, positively and harmoniously with them. In effect you are

crippled and clouded by your own emotion. Most of us experience this,

sometimes many times a day, but refuse to see that we cripple

ourselves, preferring to blame the other person. Which is why we can

stay crippled for a long time and not even realise it.

(relax.com)

My boyfriend is crazy

Dear globalcounselor,

I have been divorced for 10 years.  I have recovered from the abuse I endured and ready to start a new relationship.  I started looking for a new partner from among my previous boyfriends instead of seeking new horizons.  I bumped into a childhood boyfriend who was crazy about me. He was unattached and so was I. We met briefly in the airport on a trip back home in Tobago. We exchanged numbers and started a flurry of email and phone calls for about a year before I summoned the courage to tell him I would like to visit him in New York. He made a lot of excuses which appeared plausible because he said his job involved a lot of travel. Anyway, we agreed on a date and I was so excited to see him and get reacquainted for real because I was conjuring up all kinds of romantic ideals about him based on my knowledge of him.  I could hardly contain my runaway imagination.  To my horror, when I arrived at his place I saw a man who was obviously a mentally ill person.  The place was upside down, the sink was high with dirty dishes and he was dishevelled and smelly. I ran out of the house and he did not even try to stop me and got the first plane back to Toronto.  I do not know how I could have missed all the signs in the emails and phone calls.  There were signs of disconnect but I chose not see them because I wanted a relationship so badly. I would like to warn other women and mento tread cautiously with people and to try and read between the lines of conversations and emails for inconsistencies.  There are always signs to be seen but which we choose to ignore at our own peril.  I feel badly about running out the apartment the way I did. I feel I should have shown more compassion but I could not because he was not my prince chrming, you see.

Broken hearted

Dear broken-hearted,

It happens to the best of us. We see and turn away in the hope  that the bad scene will all disappear.  People change sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. As we get older we collect illnesses as well other disabilities, most of which are no fault of our own.  Your boyfriend is not responsible for your imagination.  Perhaps he stopped taking his medication a week before you arrived so as to be fully himself and gave his mental illness the opportunity to flourish.  Imagination is great but must be tempered with a dose of reality.  Perhaps he should have been honest with you and tell  you that he suffers from a mental illness but we all know that taboo. Once he had told you you  probably would have gone running in the other direction just as you did. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope others learn from it and I hope you find the man – forget about prince charming – that suits you.

My boyfriend wants to break up with me because his parents do not like me

Dear globalcounselor,

I am  a 16 year old Black girl from Africa.  My boyfriend is 17 years old Pakistani Canadian.  We met in school and fell in love and have been seeing each other for the past year.  recently, he stopped calling and was avoiding me at school.  I caught up with him and asked him what I did, why was he avoiding me. He said he was busy with school and have a lot of stuff on his mind. I did not accept that because if he had a lot of stuff he would have told me so as he did in the past so I pressed him to level with me, I can handle it. He then told me that his parents did not like the fact that he was going out with a girl from a different race and that he should stop it now before it gets out of hand.  I could not believe what I was hearing. I felt so terrible and hurt inside. Was it because I am black? Would they have said the same thing if he had a white girlfriend, though of a different race?  I could not help feeling so bad about myself.  He apologized and said maybe some day and that if it was any consolation, he said he could not love anyone more than he loved me but he had to listen to his mother. That it is just the way the culture works.  I didn’t know what to say. I just walked away and started to cry.

So sad.

Dear So sad,

Chin up, it’s not the end of the world. It’s an encounter with racism and discrimination. There are some cultures who do not want their children to intermarry with anyone least of all with a black person.  Your boyfriend happens to be traditional in that he listens to the dictates of his parents and perhaps one day they will return to India or Pakistan and find a nice girl from him from a similar background. Whether he is in love with her or not is not of importance.  Not all cultures place a high premium on romantic love.  Some cultures like the Pakistani culture believe in arranged marriage.  I hope that one day people will come to embrace Canadian multiculturalism fully and break  down barriers such as the one facing you and your boyfriend.  You will grow from this experience and unfortunately learn about the racism and ethnocentrism that are still with us.  You are young and just beginning to explore relationship, there is the perfect person for you out there and he will show up at the right time.  Good luck with your future relationship.

Divorce sucks

Dear globalcounselor,

I am single again after being married to the love of my life for more than 15 years. I am 41 years old now. My divorce became final three months ago putting the last nail in the coffin of my dream of  getting back together with my husband.  For him it is over. He is just not into me anymore and I do not know why.   He said he just fell out of love and that it is nothing I did.  I don’t know how to go on because my identity came from being a wife and a mother. We have two teenage children. I  do not feel like getting out of bed most days. I cry a lot and is struggling to find reason or joy in living. My children are mad at me for being so miserable all of the time. I want to feel better. I wretch inside just thinking of MY husband with another woman. He belongs to me. We made a sacred vow. Doesn’t promises count for anything anymore?  Please help me.

Bitter

Dear Bitter,

Breaking up is always hard to do but it happens.  Sometimes we do not get everything we want and that’s life. You cannot control your ex’s feelings but you can conntrol your own. If you need help,  find a good counsellor and work your way back to health.  You will be stronger if you allow yourself  and make the decision to get better.  Would you want to be with someone who does not find you attractive or do not love you anymore?  I cannot think of a greater hell.  You have to realize that your husband’s defection is not a reflection of you but of the kind of person he is.  Maybe he is a great guy but not just into you right now.  You have to accept that and move on.  The quicker you get  yourself together, the quicker you will meet the person who thinks you are the best thing that happened to him or her.